Bangkok, it’s the city so nice they named it exactly what it does. But did you know that it’s sinking? Turns out the one thing you know about the city is what’s to blame.
Thai police are cracking down on Bangkok’s world-famous brothels, but not for the underage sex workers and other illicit activities (that’s a separate crackdown). Authorities want the brothels to stop illegally tapping into groundwater, rather than paying for utilities, for use in their “soapy massages” for clients. The draining of these underground aquifers is causing the city to sink, they say.
Once again, the brothel districts in Bangkok are so seedy that not even the water is legal.
Thailand — the pederasty capital of the world — has imprisoned an American citizen, Joe Gordon, for the crime of insulting the curry-farting Thai monarchy online. Gordon was sentenced to a reduced sentence of two and a half years for posting translations from a book about the family (who also enjoy the smell of those farts) while living in the U.S. over two years ago.
Although Gordon is the first American sent to prison by Thailand for insulting their presumably inbred royalty, at least two others have also been jailed this year. One was a 61-year-old grandmother, who will spend the next 20 years in prison for sending text messages that insulted the big-boned queen. Another person was sentenced to 13 years, where he can think long and hard about why the Thai monarchy is so thin-skinned and lily-livered.
I think the message here is pretty clear, you guys. The Thai royal family is off limits, especially
- their four-eyed king.
- a queen who picks her nose whenever she thinks nobody is looking.
- and a crown prince who’s OK for a guy throws like a girl.
It’s not cool to make fun of them, OK? So, don’t do it.
Please follow all these directions in order.
Step 1: Live in Thailand.
Step 2: Be a bomb disposal expert.
Step 3: Stare down an explosion. If the wave of fire blinks first, you win.
Step 4: Make the “raise the roof” motion while walking back from the aforementioned explosion.
When you go home, if your wife does not have dinner waiting for you, if at least three people do not buy the entire bar around on them, if a bevy of women do not skip toward you for purposes of procreation, then you are not more badass than other people. Please repeat the process from the beginning and try again.
So, you hate your job? Today a bad day? Want to quit, but too afraid of the job market right now? Here’s your afternoon pick-me-up:
“A vaccine to prevent HIV infection, the virus that leads to AIDS, has shown modest results for the first time.”
Oo, awesome news!
“Previous vaccine trials failed to prevent infection. And during one trial, the vaccine seemed to boost the chance of being infected, which ended testing early.”
Uh, but that’s not the case now, right?
“The new study was conducted in Thailand, with more than 16,000 people between ages 18 and 30 participating. They were all HIV negative at the beginning of the trial.”
“Nearly 8,200 received a placebo and a similar number received a combination of six vaccines over six months. All were followed for three years.”
“A placebo,” you say?
“Researchers found that those who received the vaccine combination were 31 percent less likely to contract HIV compared with those on a placebo.”
Really? Placebos don’t prevent HIV infection?
“Fifty-one people in the vaccine group eventually contracted HIV, compared with 74 in the placebo group.”
F#%k. They hired people to get AIDS. Did they inject them in the research lab, or just follow them around the streets of Bangcock while they had unprotected sex with shared needles?
But, that’s not all:
“[Colonel Jerome Kim, U.S. Army,] cautioned that a lot more research was necessary, because the vaccine did not prevent everyone from being infected.”
So, they’re still hiring! Time to quit that job and move to Thailand!
In Thailand, they eat scorpions. This is thought to be a symbol of rage against the band that sang “Rock You Like a Hurricane.”
It also makes Thai people badass, but one former scorpion cook is giving up the fight against these killers.
In what has to be some sort of form of Stockholm Syndrome, the name felt guilty about cooking scorpions over the years, and to antone, he has begun to breed scorpions.
Folks, you don’t have to participate in the war, there’s no draft. But helping the enemy is nothing short of treason.
Everyone, not just Republicans, hates poor people. They’re smelly because they seldom shower. They jangle cups without so much as actually asking you if you want some change, and the seldom come up with signs that do not end in “God Bless You.”
Just imagine how it could be if homeless people were elephants. In Thailand, that’s how they roll.
Elephant begging in Thailand is a huge problem. Apparently these things are roaming around the streets of cities, finding tourists and stopping. They then make their human companion species traitors ask for money for the honor of feeding the elephant. Not only are these poor tourists forced to feed the enemy, they have to pay tribute!
Well, no more will that be the case in the country. The government has decided to crack down on it. Southeast Asia: once again, leading the way in the War on Animals.
1 + 2 + 3 +4 = solution
1. Jill St. Onge went to Thailand.
2. Jill St. Onge died while on vacation in Thailand.
3. Jill St. Onge died of lung congestion.
4. Some of Jill St. Onge’s lung tissue is now completely and totally gone.
Solution: Jill St. Onge has the Andromeda Strain and Thailand is totally crazy.
We make fun of a lot of things here at SG: the crazy parts of Japan, New Jersey, Germans, celebrities, just lots of things in general. But one thing we don’t make fun of are heroes.
Unless they dress up to save people. Then they’re just weird. Or cosplayers.
Kind of like Sonchai Yoosabai. He dressed up like Spider-Man in order to coax an autistic student back into a building and off of a bridge. This is not unusual for the firemen of Thailand.
“Somchai said he keeps the Spider-Man costume and an outfit of Japanese television character Ultraman at the station in order to liven up school fire drills.”
Sounds like a lot of commitment to live up to. Not to mention possible copyright infringement. Hey Sonchai, can we at SG recommend that you educate kids with the rousing adventures of “Arachno-Dude” and “Fantastically Shiny Guy”?
Nearly five months ago to this day, former President George Bush said those exact words in regards to a need for the $700 billion bailout package.
George Bush was a soothsayer. Nay, an oracle of wisdom.
Clearly, we never truly understood what he said. Sure, he didn’t make a lot of sense at times, what with his talks regarding fish, families and the sea, but we should have paid more attention to him. Everything he said regarding those items? He was simply portending the future.
The enemy has arrived, and it is large. And poisonous.
A monstrous freshwater stingray weighing in at 772 pounds was recently caught in Thailand. Ian Welch, a courageous angler from Britain was simply minding his own business, attempting to tag the stingrays (probably to help our war efforts, no doubt), when the gigantic fish attempted to kill the man. The horror!
Through the valiant efforts of Welch and twelve other men, the beast was caught. Unfortunately, the terror doesn’t end there. Research put the creature at being only a year and a half old. That’s right: it could get bigger.
What’s even scarier is that it’s back on the loose again! For some rhyme or reason, the monster was released back into the river. The stingray’s probably got some sort of nefarious mind-controlling powers, I’d say.
So really, what’s our one true problem? We’re gonna need some really big slices of bread.
Listen, animal warriors. When you tell us you’re doing your part to keep all animal life at bay, we believe you. Why? Because we thought we could trust you.
So, do you want to explain why scientists found over 1,000 new and thought-to-be-extinct species stuffed in the Mekong Delta? Did you think we wouldn’t eventually look in there?
It’s not just the deception that hurts, but look what’s been sitting in there this whole time:
- 11 million-year-old rats
- Spiders with foot long(!) legspans
- Hot pink cyanide-producing dragon millipedes
- Bright green pit vipers
- Horned bovines
It’s like you’re trying to hide the worst from us.
Fortunately, the people of the Mekong are trying to help clean up your mess.
“There are cultural obstacles to protecting rare species, too. Many restaurants serve them as food. Restaurants often have rickety bamboo floors that one can look through to see cages filled with exotic animals, [Dekila] Chungyalpa [, Director of the World Wildlife Fund’s Mekong Program,] says. The more exotic the animal, the more status it often bestows on the person who consumes it.”
Until you prove that you’re trustworthy, we’re afraid that we cannot give you nice things anymore. Now get back to work. We don’t want to see you until dinner. (It’s Ocelot Helper Night.)