Jive turkeys invade Boston

Turkeys are taking over Boston. And of course, conservationist traitors are just fine with it.

According to police records, complaints about turkeys in the greater Boston area have skyrocketed in the past three years. These earthbound birds walk around like they own the place and chase after any unarmed human who dares challenge them. Massachusetts wildlife officials say this increase means that efforts to bring back wild turkeys to the area really are working. But when it comes to human safety they stick their heads in the sand.

These things are regularly harassing people on their own property, and all these self-loathing wildlife folks can do is marvel at the foul fowl’s recovery.

Let’s all grab a musket and celebrate Thanksgiving in a more authentic way this year. For Boston!

Pro vs. Con: Yule be sorry


The Guys – well, Rick and Bryan, anyway – are at an impasse. We both agree that, since Thanksgiving is over, we’re in the officially acceptable period of expressing Christmas joy. But, is there a Too Soon for dialing Christmas up to 11? Are there limits, both structurally and psychologically, to how quickly we should ramp up Christmas? Can we maintain the holiday spirit for an entire month, or should we taper it off a bit to make it to December 25th? Bryan believes this is stupid and insane (Con), and Rick thinks it’s not only inevitable but makes December better (Pro).

We hash out all this and more in Pro vs. Con: Yule Be Sorry Edition.

Christmas trees and other decorations

In the real vs. fake tree debate, the only one that can entertain for an entire month is fiber optic.
In the real vs. fake tree debate, the only one that can entertain for an entire month is fiber optic.

Rick: There’s definitely a Too Soon for Christmas decorations, and that’s any time before Thanksgiving. Stores setting up Christmas displays before Halloween? That’s ridiculous, and Christmas in July is a buttf*cking blasphemy. But, once we’re past Thanksgiving? I say go for it.

Christmas decorations in my house mean rearranging furniture, heaving lifting, gardening/floristry, ladders and outdoor work. You won’t have a larger unpaid labor force any other day of the year than on the Friday immediately after Thanksgiving, which you can pay in leftovers. With that amount of work put into decorating, I’m not taking them down until my final eviction notice in mid-January. I figure there’s Advent, Christmas Eve and Day, the twelve days of Christmas, the Epiphany (if you’re Catholic), New Years, and then the two weeks of 2016’s hangover.

Bryan: If you’re able to move off the couch after Thanksgiving, you’re doing it wrong. The day after Thanksgiving is for one thing only: praying for a smooth bowel movement. Continue reading Pro vs. Con: Yule be sorry

You Missed It: Nurse Molly edition

Side effects include excessive accessorizing.Last week my wife and I hosted Thanksgiving dinner for the first time ever. Technically, that makes us grownups. The thing is, I don’t think you ever really feel like an adult, you just do things you want or have to do, and without realizing it you make yourself into a decent member of society. A great example is the turkey I cooked. I had no idea what I was doing. I just googled things on how to thaw, brine and cook a turkey, and sort of did it on my own. It came out great, which means I’m a turkey expert now, only I don’t feel like it. If you were busy being named the National Mall’s first black Santa Claus this week, odds are you missed it.

Operation Rollin’ Thunder
This week, the Food and Drug Administration approved new trials for testing MDMA, the 90s and early 00s party drug better known as ecstasy, to treat veterans with post-traumatic stress disorder. Test subjects so far have reported generally positive results, although they have requested that the Department of Veterans’ Affairs hotline hold music have more EDM in the mix.

Study: Your grandparents were right
A new study has found that the old adage “never go to bed angry” may be good advice after all. Scientists found that subjects were less likely to think back on something negative, like an argument, if they resolved the issue and had a solid night’s sleep. Those who didn’t resolve the issue tended not to sleep as well and were more likely to have memories of the issue associated with anger. The scientists’ wives remain unconvinced.

Secret to long life is breakfast at every meal
The oldest person in the world, Italy’s Emma Morano, celebrated her 117th birthday this week. She attributed her longevity to her diet of biscuits and raw eggs, which she has been eating for 90 years. So if you don’t want to end up like her, avoid those foods.

Reviews: Plymouth Rock sucks

President Abraham Lincoln set Thanksgiving as an annual holiday back in 1863. He did it to inspire patriotism and keep more states from seceding. But instead we remember the Pilgrims, who were such tight-asses that even the super-religious England didn’t want them around anymore, and their first feast with Native Americans in what is now Plymouth, Mass.

While it’s true we’re off this week, please allow these real negative reviews of Plymouth Rock to tide you over. Makes you wonder why the Pilgrims bothered going there at all.

  Continue reading Reviews: Plymouth Rock sucks

The McBournie Minute: I’m over life on Earth

I spent the week of Thanksgiving seeing family and friends out in Ohio. We drove some 18 hours in all, which means there was a lot of radio time during the trip. It’s easy to forget this, but it you’re outside a populated area, radio stations come in only three flavors: pop, classic rock and country. And they all play the same songs for their respective genres.

This meant I heard a lot of Taylor Swift, who apparently has a few very popular songs out right now. I learned to memorize that “Bang Bang” song, and had ample opportunity to reaffirm my dislike for Ariana Grande. It’s a good thing for sexuality, otherwise pop songs would have nothing to say.

As you can imagine, I had an urge to drive into the nearest tree. But I had a lot of time to think, so I thought about less lethal ways to get away from pop songs. What if I could go into space? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: I’m over life on Earth

The people call for Caramel the turkey’s head

Citizens are upset by the actions of President Barack Obama, and they are making their grievances known. In a petition, the people are making their stance clear: Caramel the turkey must die.

This fall, the White House set up an online vote for either Popcorn or Caramel this year’s official Thanksgiving turkey. Popcorn won the vote, but both turkeys were given a pardon by Obama. The Internet believed that the winner of the contest would be saved, and the loser would end up on a plate. Since that didn’t happen, nearly 100,000 people have signed a petition demanding that Caramel be executed.

Justice must be served. Preferably with a side of mashed potatoes and candied yams.

The McBournie Minute: The Midwest just isn’t like around here

I counted myself as one of the millions of drivers traveling this year for Thanksgiving. Though I’m amazed every year that the holiday’s chaos isn’t reported in any other country in the world. The traffic was manageable, the weather wasn’t bad, so I won’t bore you with any tales of how I sat in a car voluntarily for hours on end. I won’t even bore you with what I ate.

However, I did go to the Midwest. And as an East Coast native, it always seems just a little bit weird to me. The people are friendly and generally happy for no reason at all. Their roads are straight and flat. Weird, right?

But as I followed the news across the relatively wide region, I found that things get weirder there all the time. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The Midwest just isn’t like around here

Turkeys now involved in violent protests

Hey there reader. Did you have a happy Thanksgiving? We sure hope so. It’s a delicious time of the year where people get to celebrate family and give thanks by feasting upon our animal enemies. Frankly, I find the holiday to be wonderful. But it wasn’t wonderful for everyone this year.

At an Eat’n’Park in Penn Hills, Pennsylvania, chaos disturbed the tranquility enjoyed on Thanksgiving. Near midday afternoon, unprovoked, unwarranted and potentially suicidal, a turkey burst through the window of the restaurant, shattering glass and sending the shards across the carpets and booths near and far. The bird was not thrown. This was upon its own volition.

Animals, do not think that this act of rebellion will be forgotten. While we’re very thankful that no one was in the restaurant at the time of terrorism, forgiveness will not come easy. We will remain ever vigilant, and if a pig decides to break into a restaurant on Christmas Day, it better not be one that has an oven and pineapple juice.