Turkeys now involved in violent protests

Hey there reader. Did you have a happy Thanksgiving? We sure hope so. It’s a delicious time of the year where people get to celebrate family and give thanks by feasting upon our animal enemies. Frankly, I find the holiday to be wonderful. But it wasn’t wonderful for everyone this year.

At an Eat’n’Park in Penn Hills, Pennsylvania, chaos disturbed the tranquility enjoyed on Thanksgiving. Near midday afternoon, unprovoked, unwarranted and potentially suicidal, a turkey burst through the window of the restaurant, shattering glass and sending the shards across the carpets and booths near and far. The bird was not thrown. This was upon its own volition.

Animals, do not think that this act of rebellion will be forgotten. While we’re very thankful that no one was in the restaurant at the time of terrorism, forgiveness will not come easy. We will remain ever vigilant, and if a pig decides to break into a restaurant on Christmas Day, it better not be one that has an oven and pineapple juice.

Fun Fact: Expected results are expected

Our favorite government-sanctioned four day weekend is almost upon us! Normally, this just means drinking (more) on a Wednesday. But, a new survey indicates that 59 percent of us will check our work email over the break.

If that wasn’t bad enough, of those who will be in to eat turducken “in just a minute,” 41 percent will report to be annoyed to have actually found work-related email in their inbox.

People, there are better and less sad ways to avoid your family than pretending to work–only to receive actual work to do. There’s always:

  • Food comas.
  • Bringing a fake “life partner” to dinner.
  • Injuring and then taking someone to the emergency room after the family football game.

The McBournie Minute: Famous people holidays are just more fun

I have been critical of people who follow celebrities more than they do the real world–or even their own lives–in recent years, but I would now like to say that I, Bryan McBournie was wrong. It is not wrong to follow celebrities simply because they are beautiful and you don’t want to think about your crap job.

Actually, I think it’s only wrong to do that unless there is a holiday coming up.

All of a sudden, celebrities are making the holidays a little bit more tolerable. First, we have (allegedly) Tiger Woods yelling at his (alleged) wife on Thanksgiving, who is made about his unfaithfulness (allegedly). He then (allegedly) takes off in an SUV, but not before the wife (allegedly) smashes a window with an (alleged) golf club. Woods then hits a fire hydrant and tree (allegedly). Then we Charlie (allegedly) Sheen and his wife (allegedly) getting in an argument on Christmas day, with Sheen (allegedly) holding a knife at one point. I can’t wait to see that episode of Two and a Half Men. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Famous people holidays are just more fun

Remember: skulls make excellent cups

When you shot and killed your turkey this Thanksgiving, did you really end up using the whole bird? If you’re like The Guys, you kept the head as a trophy, put the gizzard in formaldehyde until you can figure what the hell it’s for, and used the feathers to fluff up that pillow that’s been bothering you. Then you made a xylophone with its bones.

When we kill animals, especially when we do it legally, we find uses for all the parts of the animal we offed. Luckily, corporations are catching on to this trend, too. Companies these days are all about finding ways to sell the parts of the beasts that we don’t like to eat or clothe ourselves with. They’re all about turning the fat into soap, making diesel fuel, they’re even going all soilent green and putting real chickens in the chicken feed.

We here at SG just want to encourage all of you to do the same. Remember, if you kill enough squirrels, you can make a homeless man a coat that could save his life.

Tradition doesn’t always make sense

There are certain traditions every U.S. president must observe.

Every year, they have to pardon a turkey from Thanksgiving, while everyone the turkey loves gets a duck and a chicken stuffed inside of them.

They have to give a State of the Union Address, even though they are only constiutionally required to write it down. (Kinda like people who read their blogs to you.)

They have to pardon Richard Nixon at the end of their term. (Gerald Ford started that one.)

And, of course, they have to restart Mideast peace talks.

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)

So we just got through an election and the first half of Thanksgristmas, and that means I had to listen to a lot of stupid. This is the third time we’ve gone through this, so I shouldn’t have to explain it to you.

And if you’re new here, welcome and try not to get your ass in my foot’s way. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)

The McBournie Minute: It’s the most lethal time of the year

Thanksgiving has come and gone and left behind the traditional amount of deaths and injuries in its wake. We all know that it’s nice to go home for the holidays, but really, isn’t the true American holiday tradition that of finding new ways to hurt ourselves.

I’m not talking about family arguments and hurt feelings, I’m talking about injuries both turkey-related and non-turkey-related.

Perhaps the biggest domestic story of the Thanksgiving break was the traditional late-NFL season Wound From a Deadly Weapon (WFDW). New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress, a poster child for why our heroes suck, was shot at a night club. It was only found out later that the person who shot Burress was Burress. Not only can this man catch anything thrown at him, he can even catch a bullet. He currently leads his team in WFDWs, but the Cincinnati Bengals league the league overall. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: It’s the most lethal time of the year

Take it from Snee: I’m thankful

Every year, Americans do what we do best: sit around a table to observe a once-meaningful holiday because we’d look funny if we didn’t.

Me: Hey, Ted from Accounting. Big four day weekend, eh?

Ted from Accounting: Yep, gonna eat turkey with the family and watch some football. You?

Me: Oh, I’m going to Aruba for the long weekend to collect orgasms.

TfA: Well, that makes too much sense. Freak.

Thanksgiving, like every other U.S.-observed holiday, has auspicious, yet bullsh-t, origins. But if you boil that bathwater past the paper headdresses, you find a story that doesn’t matter anymore today: a group of proto-Americans are starving to death, yet finally scrape up enough farming to survive … until winter starts in earnest.

They’re thankful for managing with what they’ve got to enjoy each others’ presence, which ironically helps spread the cholera.

We don’t have that problem anymore. Even if we catch childhood leukemia, we still get an awesome last wish. (That’s only because Leonard Nimoy can’t catch leukemia from his Make-A-Wish cancer kid.) And we don’t really enjoy each others’ company. If it weren’t for Thanksgiving, entire families would never see each other except to marry or bury someone.

And we definitely aren’t just scraping by. Outside of a certain percentage of poor people, the modern Thanksgiving is a modern festival of consumer distractions. The table is full of food that will go uneaten, and those who attempt to finish it off will slip into a gluttony coma on the leather sofa. This happens while everyone watches a parade full of cartoon characters selling toys, the latests must-see TV stars and the pirate of plastic productions, Santa himself. Then there’s football, which features players goosed up on the latest pharmaceuticals beating Vegas odds so the owner can sell more ball caps to guys trying to find cool new ways to cover up bald spots.

Even the idea of a feast in today’s America is ridiculous. The idea of a feast is to celebrate having plenty when you normally have little. Seen those obesity numbers lately?

So, with all that in mind, here’s my list of the things that I am thankful for this year: Continue reading Take it from Snee: I’m thankful