After two Christmas horror films, Robert Zemeckis is done turning the holiday into a celebration of soulless-eyed celebrity vanity projects. His next sacred target: The Beatles.
Zemeckis plans to motion capture four actors playing The Only Good Thing from England (suck it, Shakespeare!) in a remake of Yellow Submarine. At least there’s four actors instead of Robin Williams or, old standby, Tom Hanks impersonating them all.
The eyes won’t be the only dead things haunting our dreams in his production, though. The songs will also be the actual Beatles’ recordings that, if you’re a fan, you’ve heard over and over again. At worst, the baby boomers will think they’re having an acid flashback, and at best, you’ll finally be over The Beatles.
It’s October. That means it’s time for Octoberfest. It also means time for playoff baseball and football is just starting to get interesting. For those reasons I am significantly more comfortable now with the fact that summer is over. I still wear my Speedo around the house, though. If you were busy running from one natural disaster or another this week, odds are you missed it.
Look what we found
It’s been a tough week for Lucy, the oldest known human ancestor skeleton. First, Lucy of the Beatles song “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” dies (the song was playing on the radio when archaeologists discovered Lucy, hence her name), now she’s not even the oldest skeleton anymore. Scientists went public this week with the discovery of Ardi, who is 1.2 million years older than Lucy. She is also named after a Beatles song, though. “Ob Ardi, Ob Arda” was playing on the radio when she was found.
Keep your Worldwide Pants on
David Letterman shocked his audience last night when he announced he was the victim of an extortion attempt. He said about three weeks ago he got a package saying if he did not pay up, the person would make his sexual trysts with show employees known. According to reports, the extortion letter also included the Top Ten reasons why he should pay $2 million.
You have been poked by federal investigators
The U.S. Secret Service determined this week that a Facebook poll asking if President Barack Obama should be killed did not pose a threat to the president. Instead, the federal agency just found it as annoying as every other poll, quiz and game your friends try to send you on Facebook.
Lucy Vodden, the inspiration for famous Beatles’ song “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” died of Lupus on Monday—
—Wait. “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” wasn’t about LSD? You mean we’ve been dropping acid to a song about a four-year-old little girl that Julian “Hey Jude” Lennon went to school with?
Yeah right. What’s next? That Eric Clapton’s “Tears from Heaven” isn’t a great song for getting laid but about his dead son …?
Rock music is so emo.
You know what it’s time for, don’t you? It’s time for us to sit down quietly while I shout at you about why the president’s health care reform plan is WRONG, WRONG I TELL YOU. ADMIT IT, YOU WANT TO KILL OLD PEOPLE! Ahem. In any case, if you were busy being released from a Scottish prison this week, odds are you missed it.
Hurricanes are for hosers
The 2009 Atlantic hurricane season is finally underway! The first real hurricane, named Bill. Is churning up the East Coast as we speak. Then again, we aren’t really speaking, but trust me, the hurricane’s out there. The news media is all over this one. Finally, FINALLY they have a big storm to cover during the slowest news period of the year–and then it’s not even supposed to make landfall in the U.S. Don’t worry, news networks, I’m sure there’s another Katrina out there somewhere.
‘Somebody get a nail, a pen and paper, I’ve got some ideas to write down’
One of the largest Lutheran denominations in the country is debating whether or not it will allow gay and lesbian clergy to be in committed relationships. Currently, gays and lesbians are allowed to serve as long as they remain celebate. Ha! Finally, the Catholics are ahead of the Lutherans in something other than numbers. They have had non-celebate gay priests for decades.
All You Need Is Robert Zemeckis
If you have children, you know that they are clamoring for one thing: LSD. Luckily, Robert Zemeckis may answer your child’s prayers with a remake of the Beatles’ 1968 classic Yellow Submarine. This time, it would be done with 3D computer animation. And you guessed, Walt Disney Studios is behind this brilliant idea. You may know Zemeckis from the children’s classic Beowulf. No word yet on whether John, Paul, George and Ringo are signed on to the project yet.
I’ll get to my main point in a bit, but first, don’t expect me to be going anywhere anytime soon. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control just named my hometown, Burlington, Vermont, the healthiest city in the country. Sure, I haven’t truly lived there for the better part of a decade, but hey, I’m healthier than you. Now on to other matters.
Paul McCartney, I have a bone to pick with you, and it’s not even about the fact that you’re looking saggier than usual these days. You too, Yoko Ono. Sure, you got the raw end of the deal and all the blame for splitting up The Beatles, but what you’ve done since then is what I’m here about. Ringo Starr, you’re OK with me. For the most part, you’ve kept to yourself and gone on to do other things like “The No-no Song” and you even recently announced you’re not going to sign autographs anymore.
But for the love of Sgt. Pepper, enough with the Beatles merchandise. Every year, some new form of repackaged Beatles work or book or home movie or biography or television special is released. Don’t act like you’re not behind it. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Enough with repackaging Beatles crap
The Guys were caught unawares with the rest of the nation when, in 1964, America was invaded by the British for the first time since 1816. Unlike the Fifth Columnists shrieking at The Ed Sullivan Show a few nights later, we were swept with another form of Beatlemania: sheer dread and war fever.
Continue reading From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: February 7, 1964