Tag: the war on animals

The War on Journalism

The occupation of journalist is one of the most hated in the country, it’s right up there with lawyers, doctors and Paul Walker. But in times of tragedy, we as Americans always find a way to come together and make it through. This blog has some sad news of which to inform you: a reporter was viciously attacked by one of President Bush’s ruthless dogs.

We have always said that pets are OK to keep, as long as they know their place and you have the proper means to humiliate your pet. Clearly, the Bush administration has been lacking with its pets, the Unholy Trio better known as Barney, Miss Beazley and Willie.

Barney, a Scottish terrier, bit an MSNBC reporter on the White House grounds this week, a clear example of abuse of power. The Bush family has put its pets up on a pedistal, even giving them their own random and creepy holiday short films every year. Little did we know the mongrels were enjoying living so luxuriously while waiting to lash out at whomever they wanted to.

In accordance with his stance on crime, Bush has said Barney will be put down via bullet on live television as an example to all other pets out there. We say to the Obamas: please, please don’t get your daughters that dog you promised.

UPDATE: Video footage of the brutal attack can be found here.

Iran terminates spy pigeons, Robert Rodriguez intrigued by concept

Maybe Iran isn’t so bad after all?

So, imagine this: you’re the head of a country. You’re really keen on getting your uranium. I mean, who isn’t, right? OK, so you’re just minding your own business, uranium-ing around when all of sudden, you’re being bombarded! Oh no! You’re being spied upon! By pigeons, no less! Quick, eradicate them! You have to. It’s a matter of national security! I mean, when you’re being spied upon by insidious pigeons with invisible strings, no cost is too great.

……

Hold on–“invisible strings”? OK, nevermind. Iran, you’re a bunch of dummies. Also, animals? Stop it. We don’t need you all to incite the human race into fighting each other, thank you very much.

The dead hate the swimming

Dear Britain:

You’re ever so jolly. Always showing a good show, we’re never really too sure if you’re on our side or not. I mean, you’re not still sore about that whole breaking away thing, right? Cool beans. I mean, America, or more specifically, The Guys, just want to help you out. Hey, did you know that the animals have crossed the pond and begun the war on you? I mean, the evidence is right there in front of you!

At one of your aquariums, the face of a ghost was found in a shark tank. That’s some utterly horrifying shite! I mean, think about it–if a ghost is there, then clearly it’s the ghost of a poor soul that was eaten by the sharks. Yeah, that’s right, the sharks are eating your people right under your noses. That’s horrible! What’s even worse are the only two possibilities that can arise if this isn’t stopped:

  1. The sharks will continue to eat people. This will not stop until the entire tank is filled with the disembodied ghost heads of people, at which point, no one in your country will ever get any sleep again due to the ghostly wailing that will constantly happen.
  2. The sharks, secret plants by their insidious animal overlords, have been infected with a virus akin to Solarium. As any fan of Max Brooks knows, this can only lead onto zombies, and eventually, World War Z. Since zombies are cannibalistic in nature, they’ll have no need to attack the animals (unless they’re of the Italios Fulcis species)-but they won’t hesitate to attack us. The animals can simply kick back and allow our forces to be depleted, then sweep in and kill us all.

Come, join with us Britain! Put aside your differences and work together with us to end this war! We need all the help we can get-and we’ll gladly have yours, guv’na.

Sincerely,

Chris “Chugs” Taylor

(Story courtesy of Adrienne)

The punishment fits the crime?

Two valiant heroes in Canada have been unfairly punished. UNFAIRLY! While clearly on a fact finding reconnaissance mission around their neighborhood, said teens and their friends made their way into a domicile. Obviously defending themselves, they threw the feline monster in the closest holding cell available-that just happened to be a microwave.

Now, here’s where it gets a little weird. The Alberta residents responsible for this act have been banned from violent video-games for a year as part of their punishment. Huh? I mean, I can understand being made to stay 500 feet away from Viva Pinata or any of the Pokemanz, but how does one specifically classify a “violent video-game”?

Frankly, we here at SG feel that a medal should be awarded, not a punishment. Anytime a cat is named “Princess”, it’s almost a given that it’ll will be a nusicance to the public. But hey, that’s just our perogative. In the meantime, make sure to head down to Gamestop to pre-order the latest iteration coming in the “Cat Zapper” series!

One ant, two ant, fire ant, crazy ant

Never before has the phrase “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” been more true to our great and noble race than now, fellow humans. Those horrid monsters, the fire ants, have plagued our land for far too long. With bites more fearsome than those belonging to a gnat, their stings even sting the nostrils! Fear not, though, as we now have a new ally … crazy ants?

It would seem so.

Crazy rasberry ants (greatest name ever or GREATEST NAME EVER?) have begun swarming the Texas countryside.

“The good news? They eat fire ants, the stinging red terrors of Texas summers.”

The bad news? They live. And I’m not talking about the Rowdy Roddy Piper movie. Oh, and they also bite humans as well and strangely enough, electrical equipment. So, what can we do? We must eradicate all the wildlife. Remember people, it’s only a matter of time before the crazy ants eliminate the fire ants, move on from electrical equipment to nuclear facilities and become try to kill us. We’re in a war, people–it’s us or THEM!.