$1.3 million bottle of vodka stolen, recovered empty

Vodka is the only liquor that tastes good when it doesn’t have a taste at all. Did you know that there is a bottle of vodka worth $1.3 million? Well, there isn’t one anymore.

In Copenhagen, Denmark, a thief broke into a bar last week and made off with a bottle of Russo-Baltique vodka. The bottle is shiny gold and silver, and has diamonds on the cap. The good news is that the bottle has been recovered, but it’s empty. So some crook enjoyed the contents of the bottle so much that he forgot that the bottle itself was worth a lot of money.

The owner of the bar said he was happy to have the bottle back, and plans to refill it and have it back on display. Which probably means that the vodka sucks, anyway.

Man cracks a few open after being locked in beer cooler

It sounds like some kind of mixture of a dream and a nightmare: being locked inside a beer cooler overnight.

A Wisconsin man was perusing the selection in the walk-in beer cooler at a convenience store, when the door automatically locked at midnight, trapping him inside. Rather than pounding on the doors so an employee would come let him out, he decided to stay and help himself to a few brewskies, since he couldn’t purchase any alcohol after midnight. By the time a customer let him out at 6 a.m., he had killed a tallboy of Icehouse (of course) and three cans of Four Loko, which is apparently still around.

But because there is no justice in the world, the man was charged with theft. The store locked him in there, and yet he’s the one who police say has committed a crime.

Worldwide animal jailbreak!

These species traitors are not kidding around.
These species traitors are not kidding around.

In the media, we’re always on the lookout for the next big trend. So, if we’re able to connect two things — no matter how tenuously — and we do it first, then we are the new media gods. CNN, FOX, the Ladies of the View … bow down to your new overlords, for The Guys come bearing a news trend.

Two animal heists. One in France, the other very close by in neighboring Wisconsin. Both from zoos, although the one in Wisconsin is called the Special Memories Zoo, which indicates that it may or may not be a petting zoo for dying children. 17 rare monkeys were stolen from one, and a baby kangaroo and four baby goats (or, the rare monkeys of the Wisconsin) were stolen from another.

People, we don’t know why animal liberators are mobilizing and what their endgame is. But, it’s clearly time to panic.

There’s drunk and there’s steal-an-ambulance drunk

When you turn 21, it’s basically a given that you’re going to hurt the next morning, but some people take it up a notch higher than most, like to the “steal an emergency vehicle” notch.

According to police in Virginia, Ryan Kovacik, a pre-med student and certified EMT, was coming back from a night of celebrating his 21st birthday when he decided to steal an ambulance parked outside his local hospital. The ambulance crew was able to get him on the two-way radio and told him to stop.

Kovacik apparently thought this wasn’t so bad of an idea, because cops pulled him over as he was heading back to return the ambulance. The celebration for 22 will likely be somewhat subdued.

Cops doing record job of finding stolen property, not finding the thief

It sucks mightily when your property gets stolen. Oh, how it burns! And may the devil take the soul of the brigand that took your stuff! Luckily, the police are there to get your stuff back for you. What they’re not there for, apparently, is to catch the culprit.

Wednesday night, a thief managed to sneak into a dealership and skedaddle off with a car. Of course, given that the dealership is located in Indianapolis, the car that was taken was the official pace car for the Indy 500. Yup. The car was later found in another county, totaled. The car stealer was not found in another county … or at all.

Also on Wednesday, a family came up to their cabin in Washington only to find that it was gone. Completely. Vamoosed. The police later found the cabin, but let’s be honest: if a cabin can be lifted up and taken away without a sign, it’s not a cabin, it’s a slightly large refrigerator box. As always, the perpetrator of the theft has yet to be found, presumably running around the country with the killer of Nicole Brown Simpson.

Lines unblurred in song theft case

The real victim in all of this is Emily Ratajkowski, who's been forced to run non-stop through everyone's heads since 2013.
The real victim in all of this is Emily Ratajkowski, who’s been running non-stop through everyone’s heads since 2013.

Jurors ruled in favor of Marvin Gaye’s estate, forcing Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams to pay the family for copiously lifting musical elements from Gaye’s “Got to Give it Up” to write 2013’s number one hit, “Blurred Lines.”

Despite roughly all music produced today sounding nearly identical (and, really, all songs with rhyming lyrics are just bad poetry), jurors could not dismiss evidence that all but two bars in “Blurred Lines” contained elements from “Got to Give it Up.”

Musicians are now worried about what this means for their business, as nearly all art comes from building on what has been done before and then rapping some new lyrics over it, even painting. This could mean an end to pop music as we know it.

… What’s the problem, again?

‘Those bandits was the slipperiest ones we knew!’

A tractor-trailer was stolen. Though it’s recently been recovered, sadly, its cargo was found missing from the semi. See, that’s the most puzzling thing about the theft, because its cargo was 18 tons of Crisco.

For those that don’t know, Crisco is a century plus old brand of shortening. Its use has declined because people have discovered that using it falls squarely in the unhealthy side of the healthy/unhealthy debate. Like, injecting lard into your veins unhealthy.

That might be a hyperbole.

Regardless, for the authorities that live in St. Petersburg, there are two areas you might want to keep an eye on:

  1. A item of great value that can only be accessed via a tight ventilation shaft.
  2. A pie contest that allows multiple (and we mean MULTIPLE) entries from one person.

SG is the hero to your children

In what sounds like a story one might find in The Berenstein Bears, thievery is afoot! A patch of 100 onions, grown by fifth graders in Maine, were completely stolen. The children are let down, as they grew the root vegetable for the homeless.

Allow us to solve the crime. The culprit is either:

  • the newest seller at the farmer’s market with a giant bushel of onions to sell
  • whoever reeks of onions

You’re welcome.

The Boy Scouts aren’t looking so dumb now, huh?

The motto for the Boy Scouts of America is “Be prepared.” Now, while we’re sure that they don’t automatically condone applying the phrase toward a crime, frankly, it can’t hurt.

Criminals, be smart about what you do. Plan it out beforehand! If you’re gonna have a getaway car, make sure that the car is gassed. If you’re working with someone else, make sure your crew is reliable and not at all dressed like Colonel Sanders. If you’re taking part in a theft at night, dress in dark colors that allow you the freedom to run. An adult onesie that has a Cookie Monster pattern is not a good idea. Just in general.

Smooth criminal likes a smooth finish

Booze hounds, it’s time to put your sniffers to work.

In Toronto — wait, hear us out — a liquor store is baffled as to how a rare bottle of scotch was swiped from a locked box. How rare is it? It’s 50-year-old Glenfiddich single malt, and there are only about 50 in existence. The bottle is worth C$2,600, or about $2,400 in real money. According to police, a man between the ages of 35 and 45 was tampering with the lock shortly before he got it open and put the bottle in his trench coat. The man was said to have been wearing black frame glasses.

So, slurring sleuths, it’s off to Toronto to track this guy down. Our suspect is an aging hipster. Finders keepers.