Check for missing artwork, treasury funds

Isn't that Brad Pitt in the background?President Barack Obama hosted the latest of several questionable guests at the White House Tuesday: Pierce Brosnan. Other guests also include Brad Pitt and George Clooney.

It would be irresponsible to accuse Obama of consorting with known very cool thieves and even moreso to implicate him in the greatest heist in American history.

But, it’s not a threat to national security if we ask it: Is President Obama planning to steal priceless presidential artifacts with movie stars?

We’re not laughing, ‘Onion’

Look, before we get into it, let’s just say we like The Onion. We think it’s adorable that they make up news to joke about. Very creative, boys.

That said: did you think we wouldn’t notice? It was a nice try, putting it in your print edition. You know The Guys are way too awesome to sit in coffee shops and read ratty little newsletters.

(Not that we’re implying your print edition is ratty. We’re sure it’s much more distinguished than that local fanzine about marijuana-oriented jam bands from Kinko’s.)

And we quote from our site two weeks ago:

“So I caught a few previews for Austin Powers 4: The Love Guru and noticed Jessica Alba is in it.”

That’s the very first sentence in “Take it from Snee: Jessica Alba kinda sucks.”

‘This isn’t Vietnam … there are rules’

As part of our ongoing coverage of “Summer is here” — which will continue until mid-October — there’s an element we’ve forgotten: driving around.

For our high school and college readers, this is the time that you and your peers are bored and will drive around, pretending that going nowhere is “something.” For the adults, this means you’re going to a lot of stores with wedding and baby registries.

Without fail on any of these excursions, an argument will arise about the rules to calling Shotgun and Rock-Paper-Scissors (or Roshambo to non-South Park viewers). We’d normally use this as an excuse to write a How To, but someone has beaten us to it and done so throughly.

We suggest sending this link to that friend that calls Shotgun during the planning stages of your Warped Tour trip in August.

Fun Fact:
“The history of calling ‘Shotgun’ goes back to the days of covered wagons and the Wild West. On a trip across the plains, the driver of a wagon would hold the reins of his horse team and concentrate on driving. This left him and the occupants of his wagon susceptible to sneak attacks from bandits and thieves. To avoid this atrocious circumstance it became necessary for one person to sit next to the driver with a shotgun and fend off the enemy.”