Activate Republi-Bot 2012!

After years weeks of trying to find a candidate that can beat President Barack Obama in the 2012 election, Gallup has delivered one that finally ties in poll numbers: Generic Republican Candidate.

Yes, Generic Republican Candidate! It slices tax rates and dices spending! It prays using only widely-accepted Western practices! It demonstrates high school graduate proficiency of the English language and American history!

Just open Generic Republican Candidate’s can, and use an ordinary hair dryer to remove the wrinkles from its flag pin-adorned suit and power tie in mere seconds! It comes with everything you see here and an unassailable military record!

Generic Republican Candidate: You can trust it because it’s clearly labeled “Made in America.”*

*Parts made in China, assembled in India and delivered by Mexicans.

The McBournie Minute: Here’s what you can get me, America

As the holidays creep closer, so does our impending economic doom. Last week we learned that the U.S. has been in a recession since December 2007 (surprise!), and we find more and more people are looking to save money this holiday season.

This is complete and utter crap.

I realize that the economy is the suck right now, some of my friends have even lost their jobs, but let’s not be so hasty and cancel Christmas. For one thing, it is important for you as a member of society to go out and spend money in the coming weeks, because our economy needs it. More importantly, if you know me, it is important you go out and spend money in the coming weeks on gifts for me, because the economy needs it. Spend as much as you like, America. I won’t mind. It’s just the typical selflessness I am known for. This time, I will just single-handedly save the economy. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Here’s what you can get me, America