Oh Walmart. The crimes that linger in and around your stores give us no dearth of laughs. I mean, obviously, it can be gathered that the majority of the people that commit acts of disingenuous behavior in your presence probably aren’t the smartest people in their locale; however, there are some members of the intelligencia living among the detritus.
After all, how else can you explain using a newborn baby as a blunt object in order to avoid being captured by the authorities, especially if you’re the parent of said child? Had he used a baby, mighty Casey Jones may not have struck out. Had she used a baby, perhaps Elin could have gotten answers out of Tiger a lot earlier.
Sadly, we’ll never know. The only evidence we have is a Syracuse woman stealing a large amount of goods from a store and then using a baby in a baby carrier like a ye olde ball and chain against a loss prevention officer in the attempt to flee the store. A flee attempt that eventually ended unsuccessfully, mind you. Alas, we may never know this secret of the world.
This is a breaking emergency bulletin for all of our readers in South Africa!
Residents of the Delmas district of South Africa, 40 miles east of Johannesburg, have spotted a Tiger on the loose.
Although Tiger has been raised by humans his entire life and is considered tame, he should not be approached. Blondes–especially those with fake breasts–should be kept indoors and away from windows until Tiger is safely back in his truck.
Do not attempt to offer Tiger any corporate sponsorships as you’ll end up spending more on bizarre apology ads later.
SeriouslyGuys will update with further bulletins until we can confirm that this potential PR crisis is over.
This past weekend as some of you may know, a tradition unlike any other was held. No, I’m not talking about my bachelor party (though the fact that Rick, McBournie and myself are still alive remains a medical mystery), I’m talking about The Masters. Phil Mickelson’s victory at Augusta National was a great story of a family facing a true adversity, not a tabloid one. It was also one of the single greatest performances at the event. Unfortunately though, this year’s edition also brought back Tiger Woods, and one of the biggest slaps in the face to public intelligence in a long time.
If you haven’t seen the commercial yet, a solemn Woods is pictured in black and white (somebody has been watching a lot of Schindler’s List!). He stares at the camera while a creepy recording of the late Earl Woods speaks to Tiger as if beyond the grave. Trying to get us, the public, to feel some sort of sympathy for a self-induced train wreck. And oh yeah, go out and believe in the Tiger/Nike lovechild again. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Just boycott it
The world is skeptical of sex addiction, or hypersexual disorder, in the wake of recent sex scandals–most notably that of Tiger Woods.
Sure, we live in a world where our greatest information-sharing and connectivity tool is used predominantly for pornography. We even have terms for postponing work or other activities to indulge ourselves, like “procrasturbating.”
But, calling the urge to continue the species (if we forget to take precautions) a disease like restless leg syndrome or erectile dysfunction, well … that’s just taking things a little too far, right? (Which is what your mom did not say last night.)
It may not be a disease, yet, but psychiatrists are considering the addition of hypersexual disorder to their next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. (The link includes a checklist for your hypochondriac amusement.)
All we’re saying is that, should this happen, employers better expect more sick days taken.
Reader, we’ve been together for quite some time now. We’ve had this relationship through You Missed It for nearly two years, and well, I just wanted to say how much I appreciate it. I bought you some flowers and a card to show how I feel. If you were busy saying that Jesus was gay, odds are you missed it.
Tiger spotted in the wild
Tiger Woods is sorry, America. He’s been doing a lot of thinking since the whole crazy, mixed-up Thanksgiving crash/golf club-related window removal incident. He told us so during a press conference this morning. Veronica Siwik Daniels, the adult film star mistress, brought her lawyer out for statement after Tiger’s, saying she needed an apology for all Tiger had done to her, including breaking her heart. Because when you’re a porn star and one of dozens of women sleeping with a married man and father of two, yes, you are the one who deserves an apology.
Sarah Palin (yes, her again) and family spoke out against Family Guy for an episode this week featuring a character with Down syndrome claimed her mother was a former Alaska governor. As we all know, Palin is the one who decides who can and can’t say “retard.” (Hint: Rush Limbaugh = A-OK. Rahm Emanuel = No way, Jose.) The only problem was that the voice of the character, Andrea Fay Friedman, herself has Down syndrome, and said Palin clearly doesn’t understand the word “sarcasm.” Zing!
‘Wipeout’ no longer just a summer show
The 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics are underway, so far: one dead luger, several MedEvac’ed skiers, figure skating live every damn night, and a week’s worth of NBC’s botched coverage of the games. I don’t know, I just feel so freaking excited about this Olympiad. I think it’s going to be the best games we’ve ever seen!
I have been critical of people who follow celebrities more than they do the real world–or even their own lives–in recent years, but I would now like to say that I, Bryan McBournie was wrong. It is not wrong to follow celebrities simply because they are beautiful and you don’t want to think about your crap job.
Actually, I think it’s only wrong to do that unless there is a holiday coming up.
All of a sudden, celebrities are making the holidays a little bit more tolerable. First, we have (allegedly) Tiger Woods yelling at his (alleged) wife on Thanksgiving, who is made about his unfaithfulness (allegedly). He then (allegedly) takes off in an SUV, but not before the wife (allegedly) smashes a window with an (alleged) golf club. Woods then hits a fire hydrant and tree (allegedly). Then we Charlie (allegedly) Sheen and his wife (allegedly) getting in an argument on Christmas day, with Sheen (allegedly) holding a knife at one point. I can’t wait to see that episode of Two and a Half Men. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Famous people holidays are just more fun
Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods! Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods.
Tiger Woods y’all, its all good y’all.
Welcome back everyone. Hope all of you had a safe and happy Thanksgiving–at least the American readers. All you foreigners probably don’t know what stuffing is. That’s what makes you un-American. Now that we’re in the final month of the year, indeed the decade, it’s a time to look back. Well, here at You Missed It, looking back isn’t our thing. So rather than celebrate the year that was and is still, here comes a review of not only this week but the week before. If you were busy calling up more troops for Afghanistan, odds are you missed it.
Time to consult the caddy
Tiger Woods lived a relatively quiet life–until Thanksgiving. The details are still not quite clear, but somehow Woods got in an accident outside his house, but escaped major injury. Oh, and he may have been cheating on his Swedish model wife with several women. Because of the relatively slow time for news, Woods has been inundated by the media. To remedy this, Woods has posted a man with a “Quiet Please” sign outside his front door.
And neither of them was Vince Vaughn
Tareq and Michaele Salahi got to see the inside of the White House without the hassle of waiting in line for a tour. All they did was crash a state dinner party. In a bid to get on the Washington installment of Real Housewives, the couple somehow made it through security and into the dinner, despite not having an invitation. Understandably, this has set off a flurry of questions, including “Why does Bravo need another Real Housewives of” series?
Maybe he’s rapping with God right now?
The Catholic Church this week released a playlist it is now streaming on its Web site. (Think of it as a mix tape from Jesus.) Included with the likes of Mozart is dead rapper Tupac Shakur. After being asked about the selection, the Vatican said it meant the other Machiavelli.
At SG we’re not here to tear down high profile public figures, Hollywood types or superstar athletes. We’re here to mock you when you’re at your lowest. Which is why we think it’s completely awesome that amid the biggest sand trap of his career, Tiger Woods and Barack Obama are on the cover of Golf Digest with the aptly titled “10 tips Obama can take from Tiger.”
Call it early speculation, but we’re betting that number one is “don’t get caught.”
You all know the story by now: Tiger Woods crashed his car due to a massive conspiracy involving the PGA, his wife and auto insurance.
It’s a tragedy. A true tragedy.
But it’s not all bad! Sure, his body may be a little bruised and roughed up, but luckily, his checkbook won’t be. Gatorade, Nike, Gillette and Electronic Arts have all issued statements showing their support for the man.
“Nike supports Tiger and his family. Our relationship remains unchanged,”
“Tiger and his family have our support as they work through this private matter,”
“At this time, we are not making any changes to our existing marketing programs,”
“Our strong relationship with Tiger for more than a decade remains unchanged. We respect Tiger’s privacy, we wish him a fast recovery and we look forward to seeing him back on the golf course.”
When 109.3 million dollars of your yearly income was made off of the golf course, it’s reassuring that your sponsors become aspects of a Tammy Wynette song.