Police deny existence of shape-shifting tiger in NYC

The animals have always played fair, agreeing not to change into other animals — until now. If you live in New York City, now is a good time to panic.

A tiger, a real tiger, was reported on the streets of Harlem yesterday, sending authorities into a confusing and dangerous search. Residents were alerted on their phones to the danger of a loose tiger, and urged to stay indoors. Not long after, police said the beast was really just a raccoon, not a tiger. Yes, the NYPD wants us to believe that someone saw a raccoon, thought it was a tiger, and was so panicked that he or she called authorities, rather than just admitting that there is a dangerous tiger out there that has the ability to change its form.

For all we know, it could have turned itself into a human.

Stuffed toy tiger in standoff with police

Law enforcement officers put their lives on the line every day to keep us safe, that includes keeping us safe from animals real and fake.

In Scotland, police responded to reports of a tiger in a cow barn. The property owner took a break from a party he was hosting to check on his cows at night and was shocked to see a tiger stretched out on the floor of the barn, looking quite comfortable. Authorities treated the situation quite seriously, as Scottish countryside is lousy with tigers.

A photograph of the beast was sent to police headquarters and confirmed as legit. Police officers on the scene stayed back from the barn and tried negotiating with the tiger, which refused to come out. After 45 minutes some brave officers got close enough to find that it was just a stuffed toy tiger.

No one knows how the stuffed tiger got into the barn, but it seems obvious that the animals are just testing our response times.

The Real Story: Putin’s mug

When it comes to modern leadership, there aren’t a lot of charismatic characters.

You get the wannabes like Kim Jong Il, who think parades and sorority girl sunglasses make them colorful and interesting. There are the merely entertaining like Sarah Palin, the Snooki of politics who doesn’t lead anything and thinks any attention is good attention. And let’s not forget the many boring 6-to-9ers that think attendance is a real achievement.

But then there’s Vladimir Putin.

Vlad’s in the news for what appear to be covered-up bruises on his cheeks. The press wants to know what exactly he’s rouging up, and the latest theory is plastic surgery.

Yet, they once again missed the real story, right there in the image caption:

Where is this story?! We heard he shot one, but tiger wrestling? That’s gotta be illegal somewhere!

Hide your porn stars and waitresses!

This is a breaking emergency bulletin for all of our readers in South Africa!

*** Tiger on the loose in South African neighborhood! ***

Residents of the Delmas district of South Africa, 40 miles east of Johannesburg, have spotted a Tiger on the loose.

Although Tiger has been raised by humans his entire life and is considered tame, he should not be approached. Blondes–especially those with fake breasts–should be kept indoors and away from windows until Tiger is safely back in his truck.

Do not attempt to offer Tiger any corporate sponsorships as you’ll end up spending more on bizarre apology ads later.

SeriouslyGuys will update with further bulletins until we can confirm that this potential PR crisis is over.

Human meat is grrrrreat!

Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

So, a man walks into a tiger cage … and gets badly hurt. Bad joke? Real life can be that way.

A man snuck into the Calgary Zoo early in the morning with a friend. He then scaled the fence and climbed into an exhibit with Siberian tiger. Because, y’know, that must be a smart idea in Canada or something. Anyone from The Great North know what “Hey ya’ll, watch this” translates into?

People, we’re in a war. If you’re going to turn yourself into a martyr, then at least bring some bombs or something with you.

Warrior of the Week: Vladimir Putin

How did you spend your Labor Day weekend? Grilling? Lazy ass. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin spent his fighting the War on Animals. How? Oh, he just won a fight with a tiger, that’s all.

Yes, we may have mentioned Putin recently, blaming the U.S. for the Russian invasion of Georgia. Apparently he reads SG and took it to heart. In realizing what he had done, he turned around and tried to make it up to us. Putin was on a trip to somewhere in Asia and was checking out a trapped tiger with a television crew. He did all the cool stuff, check the teeth, but his head in its mouth, but then things got out of hand.

The tiger escaped and headed right for the television crew. (See? Animals hate the media!) Putin leveled, aimed his tranquilizer gun and put the tiger down before it could kill the nice camera people. Vlad the Tranquilizer wasn’t in the KGB for nothing.

Let that be a lesson to all you foreign policy experts: write something mean about a leader on your blog and he will come around eventually. Kim Jong Il sucks.