T. Rex more dangerous than claymation previously indicated

If you’ve been planning a time travel jaunt to the Cretaceous period, don’t. And don’t let the Tyrannosaurus Rex’s comically short arms fool you: its mouth is capable of “between 7,868 and 12,814 pounds-force,” or “having a medium-size elephant sit on you.”

This already brings up a non-time travel warning, do not — for the love of god — let a medium-sized elephant sit on you. That’s like a bite from a T. Rex, which you would understand if you attempted time tra —

Oh, god. We’ve opened a time travel logic paradox. Sorry about your universe. We just wanted you to be safe.

Do immortals walk amongst us?

No, of course not. Don’t be silly.

They only fly First Class, and it costs $20 to see them in 3D.

According to the leader in news, eBay, photographic evidence of immortality — or at least Biblically-long life — and, well, you’re not going to like who it is. One is being sold of John Travolta, and another is of Nicolas Cage. (The Nic Cage photo auction is no longer active.)

In each case, the poster suggested some outlandish story about the two being time travelers or vampires, but let’s not get crazy here. First of all, you can’t take a picture of a vampire because their pale skin and oily hair reflect the flash back into the aperture. And a time traveler? Please. No self-respecting time traveler would pay the big bucks to develop it when there are perfectly good photo fun centers at amusement parks.

No, sometimes people just won’t die, no matter how many terrible movies they make.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Les Visiteurs/The Visitors’

The Visitors (or Les Visiteurs) begins in the 12th century, in swashbuckling style, as a knight saves the king’s life and is rewarded with the hand of his daughter. Alas, a magician’s potion so addles the knight that he then mistakes the king for a bear and slays him. Having killed the king, he can hardly marry the daughter, and so he pledges that he will never marry; small consolation, but it’s the thought that counts.

So opens the most popular film in French history, the film that out-grossed Jurassic Park and left Frenchmen helpless with laughter. Nearly 18 years after it was made, I can see why. Well, for the most part. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Les Visiteurs/The Visitors’

Time travel challenge accepted!

Two weeks ago, SeriouslyGuys issued a challenge to time travelers in a Take it from Snee Lightning Round:

“I like to imagine Hitler’s final days being in a bunker not (just) because of the Russians, but because a future Web site launches a time traveling contest to see who can kill him the most creatively. To claim the prize, your presubmitted demise must make the newspapers afterwards. Making it look like a suicide doesn’t count.

(Did I just launch this contest back in 2010? Perhaps, if you’re thinking fourth dimensionally!)”

We already have an entry.

Unfortunately, the evidence is from 1923, not 1945, so it’s clearly not an attempt on Hitler’s life with  a rolled-up iPad–

UNLESS! Unless she’s actually trying to kill him before he becomes a nuisance! Quick, check History’s This Day In History! Is there an entry for World War II?

Nevermind. Look, eager young time cadets: if you’re not going to take this seriously, then we’re just going to start railing against time travel again. Now quit star-f@%king, and start star-bludgeoning!

(With special thanks to Mr. Groonk.)

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round Never Sleeps

I’m pooped. Not to dredge up too much boring domestic crap, but my entire apartment is in shambles from buying new bedroom furniture. On the pro side, there’s a mirror in my bedroom now. On the con side: my wife wouldn’t let me install it on the ceiling.

So, here are a few thoughts I had while cursing through my teeth. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round Never Sleeps

Ask Dr. Snee: Birth Control to the Future

Dear Dr. Snee,

I keep seeing these weird commercials for ladies’ birth control that looks like a little plastic tree that goes in their vagina? How the hell does that work? It won’t plug my peehole, right?


You’re talking about the Mirena IUD. No, it won’t plug your “peehole,” or urethra, when you’re “plowing” all those “MILFs.” Actually, they should be called MYLFs, because maybe you’d like to “fornicate” them, but Elvis and I agree: doing a mother is wrong, especially the mother of your children.

As to how it works, this is a closely-guarded medical secret, which is why I’m going to tell you and the millions who read this serious medical advice column: time travel. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Birth Control to the Future

Prequel threatens another sci-fi franchise

You know how we know the new Star Trek movie is going to suck? They just cast a kid for Cap’n Kirk.

And you know how we really know?

“… we were going to see old Spock and a much younger version of the character in the same movie, courtesy of some time travel plot device that hasn’t been fully disclosed … [emphasis ours].”