Literally the least any restaurant can do

"Mmmmm, cereal! I'm so glad we decided to from the chutes here instead of at the Lego store."
“Mmmmm, cereal! I’m so glad we decided to from the chutes here instead of at the Lego store.”

If there’s one way to tell someone is just barely capable of taking care of themselves as an adult, it’s whether they consider cereal an actual meal all to itself. Well, Kellogg’s is no adult, then.

The company that dares to call everything from Corn Flakes to Cocoa Krispies “part of a complete breakfast” is opening a restaurant on Times Square in New York City. As Starbucks does with coffee, Kellogg’s will sell single bowls of cereal for twice the cost of an entire 24-ounce box of Rice Krispies — with a couple of hipster chefs adding kale or some other bullsh*t to justify not opening and pouring your own breakfast like a sort-of adult.

While we anticipate that hotels on Times Square will frown on direct competition with their own pathetic “continental breakfast” options, at least there will be a close-by resource of absorbent milk litter to pour over and soak up Guy Fieri-induced vomiting and diarrhea before it enters Manhattan’s water supply.

Iron Man, Hulk turn to life of crime

*Captain America: Civil War spoilers ahead*

Times Square is overrun with people in unlicensed costumes hassling you for money in exchange for a photo. You don’t know who is behind the mask. Which is why superheroes can quickly become villains.

According to New York police, Iron Man, the Hulk and Princess Anna from Frozen were arrested for stealing from tourists. A tourist and his daughter said the two Avengers approached them, encouraging them to take a picture with them, then charging them money. Earth’s Mightiest Heroes failed to give the tourists their change back, then Princess Anna took a $10 bill from the little girl, calling it a tip.

All three Disney properties were charged with petty larceny.

‘Free hug’ guy gives tourist free knuckle sandwich

Times Square is a horrible place. It’s a shiny, ad-filled wonderland lined with stores selling overpriced goods and shady people in costumes charging for pictures. It is the perfect embodiment of New York. That’s why it’s also where a hug can turn into a fight.

For some reason, people go to Times Square even though it’s not New Year’s Eve. One such person was a Canadian tourist. She found a man with a sign advertising free hugs. Being Canadian, of course the tourist went in for a hug. When the hug ended and the photo was taken, things got ugly. The free hug man demanded a tip from the woman and she refused. According to authorities, that’s when the guy who had been all about love just a minute earlier, punched the woman in the face before running off.

Welcome to America, eh?

Man down! Drone maybe down! Food never going down!

TGI Friday’s, that other chain box restaurant that’s not called Ruby Tuesday, Applebees or Shenanigans, decided last week to unleash a remote-control drone device that carries mistletoe around their Times Square location.

A small buzzing aircraft flying around a busy eatery that’s decided to force people to kiss? Perhaps even strangers? What could go wrong with that?

It turns out that mistletoe drones are just as bad as you’d expect something at TGI Friday’s to be. This week, one of them clipped a photographer, taking off the tip of her nose.

Drone operator David Quiones said an accident like this had never happened before

When your time frame, from start to the incident occurring, is all of 4 days, while it may be a technically true statement, it’s also one of those incredibly naive ones as well.

‘You wanna see my plank?’

There’s a whole bunch of elections coming up for Congress this fall, but who cares? Let’s focus on the elections that matter.

There was a time when Times Square was a seedy place, a place you didn’t want to take your children because of unsavory characters. A candidate for the San Francisco board of supervisors worked to bring back those good old days this week. George Davis stripped naked in Times Square, which as far as we know, is not even on the same coast as San Francisco, to make a statement on the right to be nude in public.

Talk about your single-issue candidates.

Comic book world comes closer to reality

Oh sure, it’s easy enough being poor and needing to panhandle-but one needs to have a license to be a super-hero? Great shades of Civil War!

But it’s true enough. Recently, two men dressed up as Superman and Batman in New York. Alas, their actions were less than heroic. Curt Swan and Marshall Rogers would be most ashamed. The World’s Finest began panhandling on Times Square, where they were approached by a female member of New York’s Finest. When asked if they had the proper identification needed to perform (to which their panhandling was considered a form of), Superman allegedly punched the officer and took off down the street (on his feet, rather than the slipstream of the air), stating “I’m not getting arrested.”

Nonetheless, a team of cops was able to take him down. We’ll call them The Superman Revenge Squad. Oh, and Batman? Not causing any problems, he was let go and proceeded to walk off with a tourist dressed as the Statue of Liberty.

Bruce Wayne: P.I.M.P.