Endangerous Tinder liaisons last chance to save white rhino

It’ll take at least $9 million dollars to convince these handlers to jack off a rhino. Donate today.

We suspect that Kenya doesn’t use Tinder much. Because, if they did, they’d know that most people aren’t using the app to get pregnant. Nearly the opposite, in fact. But, if the Ol Pejeta conservatory is aware that most casual hookups aren’t looking to continue their species, they aren’t showing it in their latest attempt to save the white rhino: a Tinder profile for Sudan, the last known male of his kind.

The conservatory needs to raise $9 million dollars to extract Sudan’s sperm and fertilize eggs from two of the last female white rhinos. They tried the old-fashioned way, but apparently Sudan wasn’t able to make a successful connection. (Be careful swiping right, ladies. Ol’ Softdick’s likely to call you a “whore” if you don’t respond to his messages right away.)

Surprisingly, though, the profile/marketing gimmick is working. Tinder users in 190 countries have swiped right on Sudan’s profile — so many that they crashed Ol Pejeta’s Web site, which is where the app redirects hornballs.* So, if you thought you were going to get with 6 feet and 5,000 pounds of horny fury, you’re not only going have to settle for 5’8, 195 pound Chad, but you might not even get to help Sudan.

And, hey, who knows? Maybe Sudan will be able to get it up again for his fans once the pressure’s off to make a baby.

Researchers use app for ape love, just in time for Valentine’s Day

When it comes to going soft in the War on Animals, the Dutch want to be the softest. The one-time enemies of nature (they made their own sea) have decided that humans aren’t the only apes that need help hooking up.

Researchers at a wildlife reserve have developed what many call the Tinder for orangutans and bonobos. The app they created shows the apes pictures of other apes doing various activities. The apes then push a button on the screen that best gauges their reaction to it, kind of like those BuzzFeed surveys you keep filling out.

Researchers say they have found that orangutans and bonobos have shown they read others’ emotion through physical actions, and now want to see if the apes will show a preference for certain mates.

Paying the price for dating in your 30s

No word on whether Tinder Plus will be available for the Jitterbug OS.
No word on whether Tinder Plus will be available for the Jitterbug OS.

Look, nobody’s saying people over 30 shouldn’t use Tinder. But, you’re gonna have to pay for it.

Tinder, the dating app that speeds up rejection and hook-ups through users pawing at their phones, is rolling out a premium service that gives you more chances to swipe at people. To make it more palatable to younger users, they’re using a tiered pay rate system based on age. People in their 20s will only pay $9.99 a month, while users 30 and above will pay $19.99 a month.

(Even for 20-year-olds, that’s more than a Netflix membership, and Netflix at least guarantees you’ll see a boob on Orange is the New Black.)

So, your choices are to be creepy on Tinder or get thee to eHarmony.

Co-founder of creepy dating app may be creepy

The dating scene is changing constantly, thanks to technology. Back in our day, you stalked a girl’s profile on Facebook, or one of those dating sites, for a solid month and a half before making your move. You know, like normal people.

These days, the kids, when they’re not just sexting each other, are using apps like Tinder to meet new people. Tinder, of course, allows you to get an in-depth look at a potential mate by looking at their picture for two seconds and deciding whether you like them or not. So it may come as a shock to you that one of the co-founders of Tinder is being sued for “atrocious sexual harassment and sex discrimination” of another co-founder.

According to the lawsuit, Chief Marketing Officer Justin Mateen called a female executive derogatory names and even suggested that she not have a title because it could devalue the company. Swipe.