Who mourns for Philip Morris?

Buck up, cowpoke. We'll save your job yet.
Buck up, cowpoke. We’ll save your job yet.

As The Guys wind down Movember (two participating, one waiting for this to all blow over so we can focus on his anti-cancer bar crawl in March), we turn our gaze onto the unsung heroes of cancer fundraising: cigarette companies.

If it weren’t for corporations like Philip Morris producing a known carcinogen and attempting to first cover up and then downplay the cancer and other health conditions they cause, what would we be growing mustaches or running laps around a high school gym for? And have we ever thanked them? No. Instead, we’re forcing them to change their packaging and hurting their sales.

Well, we hope you’re happy, because now Philip Morris has to find a new product to sell. One idea is to go into vaping, but that’s already got a bad taste to it — both literally and by people who vape. We owe some new ideas to Philip Morris — something that is both needed and fits in their wheelhouse. We suggest the following to save our butts:

  • Tracheotomy Rings: Smokers are so dedicated to Philip Morris’ products that they burned a new smoking hole into their throats. If that’s not a literal niche for tobacco companies to fill, than what is?
  • Fancy Coffee: Dunkin Donuts already recovered from everyone quitting donuts by transitioning into coffee shops. If basic people are already addicted to pumpkin spice, imagine how many lattes Philip Morris will sell with a double-pump of nicotine?
  • Cuban Cigars: Nobody knows what’ll happen with the opened Cuban embargo now that Trump is the President-elect and Fidel Castro is dead. Unless Philip Morris, an American corporation, buys out the Cuban cigar market. The cigars will be trendy, and the tobacco lobby beats the old Miami Cuban lobby every time.

… Yeah, but have you read Hamlet on weed?

You can't unsee his stoned expression now. Or his earring.
You can’t unsee his stoned expression now. Or his earring.

William Shakespeare has been busted for possession of paraphernalia containing residue of cannabis and cocaine. South African researches found the evidence of drug use in “tobacco” residue from pipes in his home. This could help explain why his work got much more chill and arty after Titus Andronicus.

Of course, not everyone’s on board with Shakespeare using the same substances as the Hollywood directors that adapt his works. The curator of the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust museum, Ann Donnelly, noted that “people love to come up with reasons for saying Shakespeare was not a genius. I don’t think there’s any proof that he was helped in any way by taking narcotic substances.”

It’s probably worth mentioning that the pipes were loaned to the South African team by the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust. So, if that pot isn’t Shakespeare’s, then Ms. Donnelly has some explaining to do. (But, seriously, who could resist packing the Bard’s bowl?)

You Missed It: Work in progress edition

Friday night hasn't even happened in the U.S. yet. Trippy.
Friday night hasn’t even happened in the U.S. yet. Trippy.

There were some big announcements from major companies this week. First, CVS announced that it will stop selling tobacco products later this year, then, Subway said it will stop making bread that has an ingredient in yoga mats. I don’t buy my cigars from CVS, so I don’t really care about that, but Subway’s announcement upsets me because I love the taste of a yoga mat. I can’t buy one myself because I’m a dude. But Subway’s flatbreads, which were even rolled up resemble a yoga mat, were my only outlet. If you were busy quitting The Tonight Show for the second time this week, odds are you missed it.

Russia is ready
In recent weeks, Winter Olympics host Russia has come under fire for not preparing Sochi for the games. Pictures have fired around the internet about bad water in hotels, incomplete construction everywhere, and friendly stray dogs roaming freely about the city. But Russia impressed the world today with the opening ceremony, which climaxed with all of the stray dogs being rounded up, brought into the arena and eaten, one by one, by a bear.

Permanent sealegs
This week, Salvadoran national Jose Alvarenga was discovered in the Marshall Islands after being adrift in the Pacific Ocean for 13 months. He ate fish and shark meat, and drank turtle blood. Friends have verified his story, and confirmed that he was once a trained guerrilla in El Salvador who was laying low after angering a drug cartel. Alvarenga said he is looking forward to getting back to doing ads for Dos Equis.

Yo, Joe!
The G.I. Joe doll (he’s not an action figure, those do things) turned 50 on Thursday. He’s seen action in every war sin Korea, fought against Cobra, and married Barbie countless times. Joe plans to retire once the VA gets around to processing his medical claims.

Stop boring your kids

They both died from an overdose back in season six.
They both died from an overdose back in season six.

Parents who tell their kids cautionary tales about their previous drug, tobacco and alcohol use may be counter-intuitively driving those kids to the (prescription) bottle. That’s according to a new study that found that “the more often the parents talked about regret over their own use, the bad things that happened, and that they’d never use it again, the students were more likely to report pro-substance-use beliefs.”

The researchers didn’t find a direct link between boring your kids with tales of your youth and their need for a drink afterwards, just an interesting correlation. However, the Guys feel it is safe to say that you should never try to relate to a teenager. They may look human, but that’s just what they want you to think.

Ah, the life of a tobacco baron …

Those new graphic cigarette warnings from the FDA are being challenged in court. Five tobacco companies have sued the federal government on a First Amendment basis, claiming that the new warnings infringe on their right to not explain what their products can do to a person’s body.

Sure, they’re a legal product. So’s Listerine, and Listerine helpfully tells you what number to call if you chug an entire bottle (… by accident) right there on the damn bottle.

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round Never Sleeps

I’m pooped. Not to dredge up too much boring domestic crap, but my entire apartment is in shambles from buying new bedroom furniture. On the pro side, there’s a mirror in my bedroom now. On the con side: my wife wouldn’t let me install it on the ceiling.

So, here are a few thoughts I had while cursing through my teeth. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round Never Sleeps

Paging Dr. Obvious, paging Dr. Obvious

Sharks: the scourge of our next generation.A New England Journal of Medicine study is blowing the roof off of the house that is everything we understand about medical science.

Now that smoking rates are down, everyone should be healthier, right? That’s what we always heard.

However, the obesity rate is still rising. So, while lower smoking rates raised the average life expectancy for current 18-year-olds by 0.31 years, obesity lowered it back down 1.02 years.

So, after all that quitting, we finally learned that if (a) one thing doesn’t kill you, (b) something else will.

Also, maybe you were better off smoking?

Online cig retailers can’t quit cold turkey

The FDA sent out a warning letter to 14 online companies that are breaking new cigarette laws, which indicates that the FDA may be a UN organization. The companies received the written hand-wringing for continuing to sell flavored cigarettes.

Flavored cigarettes violate the Tobacco Control Act, which was signed into law by President Obama in June. Candy, fruit and herb-flavored cigarettes were outlawed because the FDA believes they entice children and teens who want to look older, but can no longer associate original flavors with cartoon characters.

So, if you want to sell cigarettes, flavors are not OK, unless those flavors are:

  • Menthol
  • Burnt baby diapers

Anything else would be unnatural.

You Missed It: We interrupt this broadcast edition

It’s not easy writing these things when big, tragic news happens during the week. You see, we can’t just ignore significant happenings, but we can’t make jokes about it either. This week is one of those weeks. I am speaking, of course, about the news that Chastity Bono is getting a sex change. Hope all of you are OK out there. If you were busy checking into rehab for depression and alcoholism–again, Mr. Congressman–odds are you missed it.

The transition will not be televised
By midnight, every television station has to stop broadcasting its analog signals and switch over to digital. This means that over 2 million people who depend on rabbit ears but don’t have a converter will be without their favorite appliance. On a more serious note, this also means that they will be without important information like emergency broadcast-type stuff. But for everyone else, it means you can watch the lame summer shows the big four air during the summer months sharper than ever before!

Tobacco, why do you make us keep hitting you?
Members of Congress, many of whom smoke or are backed by tobacco companies, passed a bill that gives the Food and Drug Administration regulation powers over tobacco. President Barack Obama, who himself smokes, said he looks forward to signing the bill, much like he looked forward to increasing federal taxes on tobacco products earlier this year. So for those of you playing along at home, yes, smoking is still cool, but it’s even cooler to be dependent on the tobacco industry in some way and slight it every chance you get. Self-loathing is what’s hip. Smoke, then hit yourself until you cry.

And ESPN still plays up the rivalry angle
Finishing up their third series of the 2009 season, the Boston Red Sox are a perfect 8-0 against the New York Yankees, a feat that has never happened in 90 or so years of baseball. Not saying that to gloat, or to point out that the Yankees’ season seems to be one of the most happily frustrating season we’ve seen in a while. I am not about to draw any parity to a perfect Boston-based team going up against a New York team some view as underrated. No, there’s no parallel in any other sport. On an unrelated note, how weird was it that there was no Super Bowl this year?

Today in the U.S. judicial system

Good afternoon, and welcome to the latest edition of Today in the U.S. Judicial System. Your hosts, the right honorable Guys, are presiding.

And what a day to preside over the landmark cases of our era, especially when compared to the important cases of yester-year: Brown v. Board of Education, Roe v. Wade, The People v. Larry Flint …. It is awe-inspiring to see this process shape our lives again today.

Jesus Christ! (No, over there!)

First, the Supreme Court refused to hear a case and so upheld the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals’ decision to  allow states to sell anti-abortion license plates to citizens whose faith cannot be adequately expressed by Jesus fish, dashboard saviors, rear-view crucifixes and John 3:16 written in soap across the rear windshield.

A cigarette by any other name …

Next up, they threw their support behind tobacco companies being harassed with lawsuits by people who can’t hold their light and low-tar cigarette smoke. They only heard opening arguments today, in which the plantiffs argued that smokers of the diet cigarettes were forced to take longer drags/smoke more cigarettes than when they smoked harsher brands.

The tobacco companies’ counterargument consisting of pointing to the light cigarettes and saying, “As you can see, your honors, it’s a cigarette.”

The court then adjourned for a five minute break in the parking lot for their fix of that smooth Winston flavor.