Drunk babies are the only tolerable babies

Kids. It’s always “wah-wah-wah” and “poopy diaper” this. If that’s not enough, they throw spaghetti all around restaurants for no reason outside of they’re jerks. Could you all be more narcissistic?

Don’t worry, there’s hope. In fact, I think you all should be more like this kid. He was given margarita mix instead of apple juice, and what happened? Not a single bad thing.

“We took it from him and he kind of laid his head on the table,” said Taylor Dill-Reese. “He dozed off a little bit and woke up and got real happy.”

See, now there’s a kid who knows how to hold his booze. He was given it, and does he raise a ruckus? On the contrary, he’s quite benevolent to all the other dining patrons. And then he’s a joy! If you look up in some stuffy old dead guy’s dictionary for the definition of win-win, you’ll see a picture of this kid’s mug.

Even a toddler can quit smoking

Ardi Rizal, the two-year-old Indonesian boy who won our hearts with his two pack-a-day habit, has quit smoking.

The toddler was sent with his mother to an intensive care specialist for one month. He received psychosocial therapy and was forced to play with less mature-looking peers.

Sure, he’s quit now, but let’s see how he does once he enters kindergarten and the real life stress begins.

Getting ahead in autism research

Researchers discovered that toddlers with autism have, on average, a 13 percent larger amygdala than their non-autistic peers.

It appears that both toddlers brains start to develop normally, but the autistic’s amygdala may begin accelerated growth around year one and stops by year two, huge and proud like a prize pumpkin.

The amygdala is the part of the brain that, normally, allows us to study and interpret faces. When oversized, it leads to inabilities like discerning motive or joint attention. (I point to the stubble on my legs, you then look down and shave them. That’s joint attention.)

So what does this all mean? Medical science is closer to isolating the cause of autism and a vaccine may be on the way!

… Oh, sorry, Jenny.

Selfish women risk toddler penises

Content Warning: Gentlemen, you may want to cross your legs in advance.

Ladies, we hope you’re proud of yourselves. After years of your stand-up comedians and sitcom stars berating men for leaving the toilet seat up, you’ve single-handedly crushed the penises of at least four British toddlers.

The children were merely trying to lift the seats up where you lazily left them, and the seats collapsed mid-stream, whacking their wee-dandy-doodles.

Doctors — who are apparently more motherly than you self-absorbed sloths — now say the seats should remain up, secured by a more responsible adult.

Also, you should totally start leave him alone when he’s watching sports all day. And make him those tacos he loves so much. You know, if you’re not too selfishly lazy.

Some people shouldn’t be allowed to drink

Important parenting tip from The Guys: So your 4 year-old won’t stop whining and asking you questions while drooling on his or herself. Might as well get the kid drunk–not like they can slur their words anymore, right?


Don’t send your toddler to school smashed, no matter how much they beg for it. They may complain about how they can’t cope with the social scene, or say that it helps them sleep at nap time, or how their teacher is always busting their balls, demanding more reading time and less time playing with toys. But that doesn’t mean alcohol is the answer.

Wait until they are 6 before you give them their first nip. Because learning to walk is hard enough when you’re sober.

(Courtesy of Courtney P.)