The shot heard ’round the nursery

This is not a good baby with a gun. This is a thug holding a gun gangsta-style, which seems impossible since gangsta rap ended 20 years before he was born.
This is not a good baby with a gun. This is a thug holding a gun gangsta-style, which seems impossible since gangsta rap ended 20 years before he was born.

It is official: we are at war with babies.

Like in World War II, we didn’t want to go to war, but babies — toddlers, specifically — have awoken an already sleepy giant. They’ve now shot 23 of the giants who feed them this year alone, and we’re not even halfway through 2016!

We know that it’s the job of the upcoming generation to replace the one that came before them, but dammit, babies, couldn’t you even wait until you finish teething before taking us out?

The sad part is that we knew we couldn’t trust babies because they’ll accept prizes from “bad guys.” Little did we know that those bad guys would be us, and they’d be accepting our guns. Personally, we blame Idaho for arming babies in the first place.

Idaho wants babies to own guns

Who could say no to this face -- when it's pointing a gun at you?
Who could say no to this face — when it’s pointing a gun at you?

Toddlers — they’re short, they’re lazy, and they won’t shut up about all the meaningless stuff that pops into their heads. But are they adults? Idaho thinks they might be.

The Idaho of Representatives just passed a bill that would allow children under the age of 14 to possess a firearm. Some of you might be saying, “That doesn’t seem so bad, parents should be able to share a hobby with their kids.” However the bill, as it’s written, has no minimum age on who can carry a pistol. That means that if the Idaho Senate passes the bill, babies could legally carry handguns. And we’re not even to the worst part.

The bill addresses handguns only, and requires an adult be present at all times — but the intent of the bill is to bring state laws on pistols into line with those on rifles and shotguns. That’s right, it’s legal for a toddler in Idaho can carry a shotgun provided they are actually strong enough to carry it.

Finally, the bad parenting tables even out

For years, fathers have been warned that if they neglect their daughters as children, then they might as well put them on the pole themselves. But, a new study posits that mothers who don’t form a strong enough bond with their toddlers will turn them into fat teenagers.

But, let’s not get too cocky, dads. This fight isn’t settled until the individual gender studies come out. If the sons of crappy moms also end up marrying older, matronly women, then you can put your “booya” pants on.

Man’s best traitor

Whatever you do, don’t read this out loud. There are animals all around you. Even if you don’t have a pet, there is probably a fly or a dust mite within earshot. Why should you care? It looks like animals are getting smarter.

According to a new report, dogs can understand your gestures as well as a toddler can. This explains why they both drool a lot and are content eating food you would never touch. The bad news is that they can read our body language, the good news is that you can still swear around them without them even knowing what the hell you’re talking about.

Remember: the enemy is watching.