Toilet paper and other ways foreign governments enslave their citizens

We’re so worried about how our government is continually stripping us of our basic rights that we forget that other countries’ governments are doing the same thing to their citizens. What say we take a look abroad?

In China, you’re going to have to learn to wipe really efficiently if you use a public restroom. People in Beijing have been stealing toilet paper from public restrooms, and Chinese officials have cracked down in a high-tech way: machines that give you two feet of toilet paper after scanning your face. If that’s not enough TP for you, you’re s$#% out of luck, because the machine won’t let you get more for another nine minutes.

And in fascist-controlled Canada, the province of Nova Scotia won’t let Lorne Grabher put his last name on his license plate. “GRABHER” has been the family’s license plate for a quarter of a century, but the province canceled it in January, deeming it profane.

We’re fairly certain that here in America, our president would proudly support such a plate.

N.Y. Dems blame TP shortfall on Republicans

In times like these, belts have to be tightened, and the New York state Senate is no different. However, complaints are arising that budgets have been cut too far on toilet paper.

Senate Democrats are complaining that the Republicans are limiting their toilet papers supplies, and it’s really chapping their hides. It’s gotten so bad that staffers bring their own rolls to work. Republican Senate Majority Leader John Flanagan denies that there is any preferential treatment in toilet paper distribution.

Government waste continues to be a huge problem.

In Turkey, it’s OK to wipe

Big news in Turkey this week for those who poop.

According to the country’s Directorate of Religious Affairs, which is kind of the head of Islam there, it’s acceptable to use toilet paper for “cleaning,” provided that there is no water available to do the job. This is a big deal, because apparently there’s no consensus in the Muslim world on toilet paper.

When you stop and think about it, toilet paper is kind of the Imperial measurement system of butt-wiping. We know that Europe is all about the bidet, as apparently are most predominantly-Muslim countries. We should probably throw Asia in there, and the Aussies always go as the Brits do. Following that line of logic around the world, it’s basically just developing nations and us keeping the toilet paper industry alive.

Coming soon: Jellyfish toilet paper

Jellyfish are one of the biggest threats humanity currently faces, be they robotic, peanut-butter flavored, or infiltrators of our nuclear reactors. Plus, because of global warming and overfishing, their numbers are growing because they have fewer predators and they can live in places they didn’t use to. So how do we fight back?

We wipe our asses with them, of course.

Researchers in Israel are working on turning jellyfish into super-absorbent household items. If they are able to successfully make jellyfish into what they call “hydromash,” you will soon be able to use these invading hoards as toilet paper, paper towels, sponges, diapers and tampons. Who doesn’t want to put an animal that stings on their crotch?

2-4-6-8, two-ply our butts appreciate!

Texas Christian University has a secret that it doesn’t want you to know about. Luckily for you, the secret only has one side to it.

Students are up in arms at the school because of the one thing the school won’t shell out for: two-ply toilet paper. That’s right, the standard for a TCU student’s butt is one-ply.

Both sides of the debate are understandable. Single-ply is a lot cheaper and it’s essentially the standard at schools around the country (even at our alma mater of Radford University, the Guys were subjected to its horrors). That said, when attending college, one’s sweet cheeks are very important and going through a special time in their life.

For the students, take this suggestion (if it’s possible): when signing up for your dorm room for toilet paper, sign up the room across from you. Then steal theirs when TP is delivered. Take the time to thread the two rolls together and you’re set! As someone who may or may not be speaking from experience (it all depends on the statute of limitations), trust me, it works.

Pa. high school’s new paper currency

Only boys have to sign out toilet paper from the principal of Mahanoy Area High School, once again proving our theory that girls don't poop.
Only boys have to sign out toilet paper from the principal of Mahanoy Area High School, once again proving our scientific theory that girls don’t poop.

Mahanoy Area High School in eastern Pennsylvania has discovered what Joseph Gayetty knew all the way back in 1857: that there is very little difference between money and toilet paper.

After having to continually spend to replenish toilet paper — plus unclog the toilets — due to vandalism, Principal Thomas Smith is now controlling the substance. From now on, before you can make number two, you’ve got to sign out some squares from the school’s number one.

At least one parent, however,  isn’t taking the Great Toilet Paper Requisition of 2013 sitting down: “Parent Karen Yedsena says some students are too embarrassed to go to the office to get toilet paper and are going home sick instead.” This is why the Guys firmly believe that Everyone Poops should be required freshman reading.

[Special thanks for Patrick H. for the link!]

Art imitates life, life imitates Seinfeld

Kids, we’re not quite out of the recession yet. Oh sure, you might argue with me and say that we are. Jobs are up in some areas of the country! We’re spending more and returning less! Unemployment could be worse! Words ending in exclamation marks!


I only need to give you but one bit of evidence: Coney Island can only give but so much toilet paper to its toilets.

It’s bad enough that a person can only get single-ply toilet paper in public restrooms, but to have to ration what little amount that they can use in a stall? It gives me the heebie-jeebies.

On the plus side, hey ladies, now you’ll learn how to condition your bladders.