According to a study published May 5 in Stroke–the medical journal, not Stroke Magazine–the following eight activities can trigger aneurysms (or those brain things that conveniently kill moms in quirky movies):
8. Drinking coffee
6. (tie) Nose-blowing
6. (tie) Exercising with gusto
5. Drinking cola
4. Getting angry
3. Pushing too hard while pooping (We can talk this way because we’re discussing a medical issue.)
1. Being surprised
What somehow didn’t make the list? Viewing it in a g%@damn slideshow.
Oh, wait. There’s the anger.
Singapore is on a mission to clean up your emissions.
Specifically, they’ve launched a campaign to raise the standards of their public restrooms. Called the Happy Toilet Programme, they are appraising bathrooms on a star system and bring them all up to at least a three.
For those of use who are accustomed to ones and twos (on the floor of our) bathrooms, this may sound a little crazy. But, as Restroom Association Singapore President Tan Puay Hoon said:
“For us, toilet etiquette reflects Singaporeans’ culture.”
We’ve said it a million times before, people. How you poo is how you love.
Run for the hills! The puppies have somehow gained the ability to survive being drowned at high velocities!
A puppy somehow managed to survive being trapped in pipes for 4 hours after a preschooler decided to wash the dog in what was probably the only serviceable area-the toilet. It’s a common mistake and happens all the time. It then had the nerve to live long enough to be saved-and covered in poop.
Ew. And they kept him? Double ew. No one should have a poopy puppy.
Oh sure, it may be a glorious golden age for the repo-man, but for the portable toilet industry, sadly, sales are fairly … crappy.
C’mon, you knew I was gonna say that.
The can is the one place where a man can really be alone. There, he can think, pick his nose, or eat his lunch, all while doing his business. But this site of tranquility also is open to attack.
A Taiwanese man had just such a nightmare happen to him. According to the China Times, the man sat down on the john and then felt a knife-like pain in his junk. There was a snake in the toilet bowl waiting to strike. The worst part about this is that it the attack hit his manly manly part. We all have nightmares about that. Good luck pooping today.
Dear Dr. Snee,
I hate summer. I hate buying swimsuits. What can I do to lose some weight in a matter of weeks?
You know, I’ve received a few of these letters recently, and not just from women. Thanks to feminism, more women are working hard in Hollywood to pass their neuroses onto men.
As a doctor with no endorsements (WTF?!), let me first say that fad diets are a hoax. They don’t work. If they do work, they don’t work properly. They’re all temporary diets, so you’ll go back to eating from the horse trough just as you did before, gaining back all the weight and then some.
I subscribe a variety of techniques to my patients depending on their personality and degree of obesity. Feel free to try any of these and then call me the morning after you become hot. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: A weighty issue
(Bonus: +4 xp for alliteration)
Sorry about the long sabbatical since my last house call. I’ve been on the road since May, following the Mamma Mia! tour across America.
Before you judge me (lest ye be judged for judging), I only watch Mamma Mia! because of the hot chicks in it, like Christine Baranski.
Also, I’ve found that any movie with an exclamation point in its title is guaranteed to be awesome:
- Top Secret!
So, to clarify: unconditional love for anything Abba-related does not make me gay. My man-crush on Pierce Brosnan, however, does.
Anyway, on to your important medical quer — uh, questions.
Dear Dr. Snee,
I’ve heard you claim that cancer is contagious. Who told you that? They should be shot.
MoSane (a.k.a. ClippershipPat)
I agree completely: Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Contagious cancer can kill you
Content Warning: Gentlemen, you may want to cross your legs in advance.
Ladies, we hope you’re proud of yourselves. After years of your stand-up comedians and sitcom stars berating men for leaving the toilet seat up, you’ve single-handedly crushed the penises of at least four British toddlers.
The children were merely trying to lift the seats up where you lazily left them, and the seats collapsed mid-stream, whacking their wee-dandy-doodles.
Doctors — who are apparently more motherly than you self-absorbed sloths — now say the seats should remain up, secured by a more responsible adult.
Also, you should totally start leave him alone when he’s watching sports all day. And make him those tacos he loves so much. You know, if you’re not too selfishly lazy.
Jaws was a landmark movie because it established a new precedent — just when you think you’re safe, you’re not. Beaches ran empty for weeks on end, simply because of a movie. A movie where even the director said the shark looked too fake to be believable. Welcome to the power of paranoia.
Australians, prepare to cower in fear as you’re now in a similar situation. A six foot long blackheaded python was found in a man’s toilet.
It’s safe to say two things:
- It’s pretty obvious exactly why the python was blackheaded.
- While we may not be able to communicate with animals (yet), I don’t think it’s unwise to say that just like aglets (those plastic things on the ends of shoelaces), its purpose was sinister.
Think about it: in this time of people being on the move, nowhere are we more open to disaster than when we sit on the can. Who knows what horrors could be wrought upon us while we ponder our deepest thoughts? The animals know, and they won’t hesitate to unleash them. Don’t let this happen to you all. Do what I do and carry a more than ample supply of brown paper lunch bags with you wherever you go.
You now have permission to freak out.