London sewer blockage cleared after 9 weeks

The citizens of London can breathe easier now that a massive blockage has been removed from city’s sewer system.

It took crews nine weeks to clear out the blockage, which was over 800 feet long. The blockage, affectionately called a “fatberg,” was a mostly solid mass of fat, diapers, wipes and other gross stuff that probably isn’t supposed to be flushed or sent down the drain. Workers used jets of water and even dug it out manually.

There’s no doubt the weary workers have some horror stories to tell. Let’s hope they’re getting a knighthood for their living nightmare.

Man sells newspaper because wife wants house with toilet

As anyone who still works at a newspaper will tell you, print journalism has never been hotter. That’s why The Guys have found an investment opportunity for you.

There’s a newspaper up for sale in Alaska. It’s been around for 25 years, and has won a fair share of awards along the way. But now Tom Morphet, the owner of the Chilkat Valley News, wants to sell his beloved newspaper because his wife is tired of living in a cabin in the woods.

“I said, ‘Honey, we could live for free in the cabin.’ But she wants to flush a toilet,” Morphet said. “When I met her she was a girl living out of a backpack and she didn’t care.”

Isn’t that always the way? Your wife decides she needs fancy things, so you have to give up your dreams.

Pee in the shower, save the planet

If you don’t pee in the shower, it may be time to start, according to some recent calculations.

Basically, you’re in the shower already, so that’s water you’re using regardless. But if you also pee while taking a shower, you are saving the world a toilet flush. That one less flush can add up, and it can save us all some water.

It should be noted that these calculations completely ignore the fact that if you pee in the shower you are a terrible person.

Toilets can be illuminating

When you wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, the worst part is having to turn on the light. Now, you may not have to, if you live in Canada.

Tim Fittler and Scott O’Neill of Ontario have developed a glow-in-the-dark toilet seat. The seat can glow up to nine hours, and apparently needs very little light to charge. Thanks to some developing, the seat doesn’t look any different than the lame one you sit on every day that doesn’t light up.

Next, we need a glow-in-the-dark pathway to get to the toilet.

Aneurysm? We barely knew ‘er … ysm

According to a study published May 5 in Stroke–the medical journal, not Stroke Magazine–the following eight activities can trigger aneurysms (or those brain things that conveniently kill moms in quirky movies):

8. Drinking coffee
6. (tie) Nose-blowing
6. (tie) Exercising with gusto
5. Drinking cola
4. Getting angry
3. Pushing too hard while pooping (We can talk this way because we’re discussing a medical issue.)
2. Sexing
1. Being surprised

What somehow didn’t make the list? Viewing it in a g%@damn slideshow.

Oh, wait. There’s the anger.

Singaporeans handwringing over handwashing

Singapore is on a mission to clean up your emissions.

Specifically, they’ve launched a campaign to raise the standards of their public restrooms. Called the Happy Toilet Programme, they are appraising bathrooms on a star system and bring them all up to at least a three.

For those of use who are accustomed to ones and twos (on the floor of our) bathrooms, this may sound a little crazy. But, as Restroom Association Singapore President Tan Puay Hoon said:

“For us, toilet etiquette reflects Singaporeans’ culture.”

We’ve said it a million times before, people. How you poo is how you love.

Puppy survives flushing, we’re all dead

Run for the hills! The puppies have somehow gained the ability to survive being drowned at high velocities!

A puppy somehow managed to survive being trapped in pipes for 4 hours after a preschooler decided to wash the dog in what was probably the only serviceable area-the toilet. It’s a common mistake and happens all the time. It then had the nerve to live long enough to be saved-and covered in poop.

Ew. And they kept him? Double ew. No one should have a poopy puppy.

Snakes in a Toilet

The can is the one place where a man can really be alone. There, he can think, pick his nose, or eat his lunch, all while doing his business. But this site of tranquility also is open to attack.

A Taiwanese man had just such a nightmare happen to him. According to the China Times, the man sat down on the john and then felt a knife-like pain in his junk. There was a snake in the toilet bowl waiting to strike. The worst part about this is that it the attack hit his manly manly part. We all have nightmares about that. Good luck pooping today.

Ask Dr. Snee: A weighty issue

Dear Dr. Snee,

I hate summer. I hate buying swimsuits. What can I do to lose some weight in a matter of weeks?

–Newark, NJ

You know, I’ve received a few of these letters recently, and not just from women. Thanks to feminism, more women are working hard in Hollywood to pass their neuroses onto men.

As a doctor with no endorsements (WTF?!), let me first say that fad diets are a hoax. They don’t work. If they do work, they don’t work properly. They’re all temporary diets, so you’ll go back to eating from the horse trough just as you did before, gaining back all the weight and then some.

I subscribe a variety of techniques to my patients depending on their personality and degree of obesity. Feel free to try any of these and then call me the morning after you become hot. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: A weighty issue