This is why we will never win the War On Robots

Scientists at the University of Tokyo’s Ishikawa Oku Laboratory have invented a robot that never loses at Rock, Paper, Scissors. (Or “Roshambo,” if you were raised by wolves.) The Janken robot cannot be bargained or negotiated with or fooled by doing that little trick where you start to make scissors and then flatten your palm out, middle and index fingers last.

You can’t cheat this machine with your human brain, because its computer brain is doing the exact same thing, just faster. It watches your hand and then reacts a millisecond later, appearing to make its selection simulataneously with you. In other words, you were right: your older brother is a cyborg.

The war against the machines may not have been over before it started. Just so immediately after it that it seems like it.

One step forward, two steps backward

The Tokyo Metropolitan Government is currently in the talks of enacting a bill which would revise an existing ordinance regulating fugu (blowfish) trade in the area. Taking effect in October of this year, the bill would allow unlicensed chefs to process and sell the poisonous (on the inside, spiny and nightmare-inducing on the outside) fish.

The change in policy is prompted by the inefficacy of current license restrictions. Hironobu Kondo of the metro government’s food control department reports that a significant portion of Tokyo residents now simply buy fugu from prefectures with fewer regulations. Tokyo is among only a handful of prefectures where restrictions apply. While in recent years, safety concerns associated with fugu consumption have become less of an issue, the Tokyo Fugu Association claims that the revision of the ordinance would also result in a big drop in the overall price of fugu products. Furthermore, as license requirements are dropped and the number of restaurants selling fugu increases, it is also predicted that so will the incidence of food poisoning cases. Sometimes you just can’t win!

So, where’s the problem? Everywhere. While yes, this does mean that anyone can now slice open those monstrous fish, this is exactly what the animals want. Not only do they wound us upon capturing them, an untrained and unskilled chef can now potentially kill a lot of people, and this is now a legitimate possibility. Irony, thy name is fugu, as the Japanese have now unleashed a veritable kamikaze upon themselves.

And now, バックアップ未来メガシティ東京-su

As you may have been made aware of earlier this year, Japan kind of went through the ringer in terms of natural disasters. And you know what? As time goes on, it’s just going to get worse and worse.

That’s why what’s being suggested for Tokyo doesn’t sound too crazy of a concept. Some of Japan’s Democratic Party have come up with the idea that backing up the city of Tokyo, much like storing your data on a floppy disk, would be a good action to take just in case an earthquake hits the area and it become Doomed Megatopolis. Okay, maybe it wouldn’t be just like a floppy disk.

The new city would take on all the functions of the capital city in the event of an emergency. It would boast office complexes, resort facilities, parks and even casinos. The city’s centerpiece would be a tower that would rank among the tallest in the world, coming in at just over 650 meters (2,133 feet). It’d be built to house 50,000 residents and accommodate a workday population of around 200,000 people from the Osaka region

When you live in a world where Godzilla, Rodan, Biollante or Space Godzilla can strike at a moment’s notice (beware the bubbling bubbles of Tokyo Harbor), it can’t hurt to be prepared. Unless you’re dealing with King Caesar. Night of the Lepus taught us that floppy-eared rabbits, no matter how tall they are, should be feared.

Creepiness is ultimately genderless

Breaking News: An inflatable giant woman was seen over Japan, which, truthfully, sounds just like another day in Tokyo, right? They’re always getting taken over by things of monstrous proportions: Godzilla, Gamera and–if South Park taught us anything–cows and chickens.

Panasonic takes its camera promotion as really Serious Business because, not only did they have a spokesmodel for the their new Lumix FX700 camera on hand to advertise the new release, but they also turned said model, Ayase Haruka, into a giant inflatable balloon. Reportedly, spectators were both scared and confused by the balloon, and who wouldn’t be?

I lurve me the wumenz, but frankly, I’d be utterly terrified to stand beside it. And that’s not even taking into account it supremely dwarfing me.

…..though, let’s be honest, that’s not really all that difficult.

Next fad: police vs. samurai

Some people don’t like cops, that is a given fact. Normal folks take their violent fantasies of debauchery and vile behavior to Grand Theft Auto style video games, however, one man decided to take his anger out another way. Recently, a young man attacked a police officer with a Japanese samurai sword in central Tokyo in broad daylight. He managed to slice off the left thumb of the officer before he was subdued by other officers. As of now, there is no motive of his actions, he either just wanted to try out his newly purchased sword or he was just a psycho. Whichever the case, he was arrested for attempted murder and possession of, well, you know … a samurai sword. Which is apparently a crime.

The attacker is in his mid-twenties and it seems he isn’t connected to any political organizations. What we do know is the sword had a blade about 70 centimeters long, which is more than enough length to bring ultimate doom to coppers.

Kids, avoid sharp objects, don’t use drugs, stay in school, eat your vegetables and only use the power of a samurai sword for good.

Thriller night

Hey guys, we’re only a month away from the first anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death! You know what that mean, more news about Michael Jackson!

How do you plan to spend the anniversary? Are you going to record a kooky video of you and your inmate friends doing the Thriller dance? Perhaps if you’re not incarcerated, you would be interested in going to Tokyo and spending all night with some of Jacko’s junk (we mean his possessions, perverts).

A few hundred thousand fans will be able to spend an entire night among the Neverland Collection at Tokyo Tower. Tickets further profiting from Jackson’s death are going fast!

All the groping you can afford

Reportedly, one of the biggest pains is when you’re out late at night with friends in Japan and the rush to catch that last train at 1am begins. After that, you’re stranded until 6am with no trains running and most businesses shuttered. Sometimes you can find a bar that’ll be open to keep you occupied until you can find your way home, but you’ll be piss-drunk as a result. Which, honestly, we’re not exactly complaining about.

That’s the way things currently are in Japan, for better or worse.

But that not be the way things are in Japan in the future. The Tokyo government is considering running the Toei Chikatetsu 24 hours a day, due to the increasing number of flights coming into Haneda airport in Tokyo at all hours of the night. It’s a much more attractive option than a $60 cab ride in or something of that nature.

This would certainly change some of the cityscape of Tokyo. In the largest city of a country with 200% of its GDP in debt, they could use the jobs that this change could create. Of course, Japan is notorious for true stories urban legends of women being repeatedly groped by men left and right and left and right and other directions that you didn’t know exist. Will a 24 hour train make this situation worse? We’ll have to watch for the filed police reports to judge that.

Superheroes walk in Japan, save no one

Remember Japan’s Cyberdyne robotics company? The company that created an exoskeleton, named HAL 5, that could help injured or disabled people walk? Are you sure?

Well, they want you to know that they’re still and kicking. I mean, walking. Cyberdyne employees strapped on the robotic leg braces and took them on a 30 mile journey through Tokyo, via train, taxi, and on foot. The 24 pound suit made the commute easier for the demonstrators, but the technology is apparently aimed at people who have difficulty walking. And certainly not a covert coup by the machines to destroy us all.

Cyberdyne is very optimistic that more people-assisting technologies are in their future. And by people-assisting technologies, they secretly mean “people enslaving technologies.”

This is why sake bombs aren’t huge in America

We know you are as shocked and appalled as we are on this one: Tsuyoshi Kusanagi, whom we don’t have to tell you is a former member of the Japanese pop group SMAP and is now a television personality, was found by police drunk and naked in a park in Tokyo. (We’ve all been there.)

The story is shocking because Kushangi is known as one of the cleanest cut personalities on Japanese television today. Though this sounds like his image may change a bit now.

Worst of all, Kusangi is in for a Phelpsian twist: Toyota is pulling commercials featuring him, which will mean a significant dent in his wallet.

We’re not sure what SMAP is supposed to stand for, but today it stands for Seen Minus Any Pants.

Sounds like the basis for a blue movie

OK, picture this: it’s a sleepy Saturday night. You find yourself sitting at home with nothing to do, having watched all the shows on your backlog. It’s soooooo boring. There’s nothing to do! What will you do with your down time? Well, if you’re bored over at the Ebara Branch of the Tokyo Fire Department, you break into a girl’s apartment and steal her underwear. Or at least, attempt to.

The vice captain of the Ebara Branch of the Tokyo Fire Department was held by police after entering a woman’s Suginami Ward apartment (doesn’t anyone lock their doors anymore?) around 4 a.m. and taking two pairs of her underwear. The woman awoke hearing the noise and was able to accost the fireman until the police showed (oh yeah, a real tough guy). The fireman informed the police that he had unintentionally wandered into the wrong house, thinking it was a friend’s. This now raises the disturbing question of just what had he intended to do with the underwear of his actual friend.

Of note is that the fireman in question was as apparently described being “intoxicated” as well. Seriously, someone needs to hook up Japan with some Victoria’s Secret already. You people are crazy.