Tag: Tokyo

Take it from Snee: I’m thankful

Every year, Americans do what we do best: sit around a table to observe a once-meaningful holiday because we’d look funny if we didn’t.

Me: Hey, Ted from Accounting. Big four day weekend, eh?

Ted from Accounting: Yep, gonna eat turkey with the family and watch some football. You?

Me: Oh, I’m going to Aruba for the long weekend to collect orgasms.

TfA: Well, that makes too much sense. Freak.

Thanksgiving, like every other U.S.-observed holiday, has auspicious, yet bullsh-t, origins. But if you boil that bathwater past the paper headdresses, you find a story that doesn’t matter anymore today: a group of proto-Americans are starving to death, yet finally scrape up enough farming to survive … until winter starts in earnest.

They’re thankful for managing with what they’ve got to enjoy each others’ presence, which ironically helps spread the cholera.

We don’t have that problem anymore. Even if we catch childhood leukemia, we still get an awesome last wish. (That’s only because Leonard Nimoy can’t catch leukemia from his Make-A-Wish cancer kid.) And we don’t really enjoy each others’ company. If it weren’t for Thanksgiving, entire families would never see each other except to marry or bury someone.

And we definitely aren’t just scraping by. Outside of a certain percentage of poor people, the modern Thanksgiving is a modern festival of consumer distractions. The table is full of food that will go uneaten, and those who attempt to finish it off will slip into a gluttony coma on the leather sofa. This happens while everyone watches a parade full of cartoon characters selling toys, the latests must-see TV stars and the pirate of plastic productions, Santa himself. Then there’s football, which features players goosed up on the latest pharmaceuticals beating Vegas odds so the owner can sell more ball caps to guys trying to find cool new ways to cover up bald spots.

Even the idea of a feast in today’s America is ridiculous. The idea of a feast is to celebrate having plenty when you normally have little. Seen those obesity numbers lately?

So, with all that in mind, here’s my list of the things that I am thankful for this year: Continue reading Take it from Snee: I’m thankful

I’ll just wear those home

Have you ever gone shopping, only to realize that you forgot that one item, that key component, that very thing you needed?

Yeah, so, some people have that problem worse than you.

A male Japanese Air Force Major decided to do some shopping after leaving a late-night farewell party for one of his colleagues. One can make the logical assumption that he was drunk, because he then proceeded to ide behind a convenience store to strip off his clothes before entering. Oh wait-it gets better.

Once inside, totally naked, our Major set out to purchase panties and pantyhose.

His Emperor’s New Clothes incident was only witnessed by the store’s clerk (also the only person in the store other than Private Partyman), who quickly called the cops after the officer left the store. Major Boner has been suspended from his duties for 10 days, and papers were filed for indecent exposure. Insert lame joke about legal briefs here.

Cleanliness = godliness, loneliness = wastefulness

Someone notify David Caruso that he doesn’t have to take off his shades–this case has been solved!

So, remember earlier in the month when SG reported that Japanese police launched a full scale investigation over the “murder” of a real-doll? If you don’t, well, you’re probably making them happy about that. Naturally, the police have been a wee bit irritated after being humiliated in front of the world. As such, they launched an investigation that made headlines at home and abroad–which almost seems slightly counter-conducive to their feelings. Nonetheless, after seeing the trouble he caused, the body dumper, a 60-year-old Izu man, contacted police to confess. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

It seems that this man had lived with the high-tech sex doll for some years after his wife passed away. He apparently wanted to ditch it before he continued with his plans to move in with one of his children. It’s good that he’s not living up to the stereotype of creepy old pervert dude.

“It seems he grew attached to the doll over the years,” said the chief investigator. “He was confused about how to get rid of her. He thought it would be cruel to cut her up into pieces and throw her out with the trash, so he proceeded to dump her illegally.”

As it would seem, it was never his intent to fool others and pass his sex doll off as a body. He now faces fines for breaking the Waste Management Law. It seems that we just haven’t made efficiently environmentally friendly real-dolls.

Real doll, “real crime”, real smooth, guys

Japanese police launched a full-scale murder investigation after the gruesome discovery of body bound, gagged and wrapped in plastic … that was actually just a life-size sex doll. Oopsies. It’s so easy to mistake soft plastic with flesh, after all.

Hey, CBS, you interested in CSI: Tokyo? You could really revolutionize the forensics investigators show genre by making an actual comedy. Well, one that doesn’t involve David Caruso, that is.

HKMMORPG, kekeke ^_^

For you technophobes out there that haven’t plugged into The Matrix an MMORPG, yet love anything crapped out by the Japanese: your days are numbered.

That’s right, Hello Kitty–that weird cat thing that tops every pencil sold in Tokyo–will go online. Anticipated quests include: topping pencils, erasing marks that they make and filing quizzes in your Trapper Keeper innards.

Seriously, does anyone know what this cat does? Is it a tentacle porn thing? It’s for kids, so probably.