Walk like an Egyptian amputee

“Wiggle your big t — oh.”

So, this is pretty cool. Archaeologists found a 3,000-year-old fancy prosthetic big toe in the Sheikh ´Abd el-Qurna tomb in Egypt back in 1997. After studying it, they found that it is remarkably advanced, being able to hold up body weight, flex and help the person it was fitted to walk relatively normally.

It also let the ancient one-percenter daughter of a priest continue wearing flip-flops, demonstrating the world’s oldest recorded case of #firstworldproblems. (Technically, this would be a #newkingdomproblem, amiright?)

So, good news if you need to fake your own ransom for money, time-travelling Bunny Lebowski.

Archaeologists find earliest evidence of Peter Benchley in 1st Century tomb

A group of archaeologists who thought they found Jesus’ tomb a few years back believes they struck paydirt again, this time unearthing what may be the earliest grave ever marked with the Jesus fish. The inscription (see above) is theorized to represent Jonah — the testicle hanging off the fish’s lip — being eaten by the fish God sent after him. (It was the Old Testament. Fatherhood really changes a deity.)

The tomb in question dates back to the 1st Century. Previously, the Jesus fish has only been found on tombs as far back as the 2nd Century, when early Christians believed in adorning the most expensive thing they owned with faith-advertisements and representations of how many times they’ve procreated.

Even if you don’t believe, just remember: one day in the future, somebody is going to unearth your remains and think you might be Steve Jobs because you insisted on being buried with your iPad.

Between the Rock and a hard drink

UCLA archaeologists uncovered the world’s oldest winery, stretching humanity’s history with crunk juice all the way back to 4000 BC now. The ancient Armenian wine was believed to be used for funerals, usually held daily between 5 and 8 pm. It is believed to have evolved into “Happy Hour” once hygiene was invented.

But, that’s not the real story.

Every so often, the real story gets buried in the later paragraphs. Say, story, what was the oldest use of grape seeds before this discovery?

“The oldest previous evidence of grape seeds and other organic materials dates to around 3150 BC and was found in the tomb of the Egyptian king Scorpion I.”

That’s right: there really was a Scorpion King. And here we thought that was the most ridiculous of all the Mummy films.