Highway to the Most Dangerous Zone

We’ve recently seen a lot of sad current sequels to movies set and/or filmed in the (late 1970s to) 1980s: Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Die Hard, Rocky, Rambo, Wall Street and some others that probably went straight to video. There’s one more in the works: Top Gun 2.

In the spirit of belated sequels living free or dying hard and possessing money incapable of sleeping, we’re proposing a few of our own subtitles for it:

  • Top Gun 2: Playing with More Boys
  • Top Gun: Kandahar Nights
  • Top Gun 2: Revenge of the Goose
  • Topmost Gun: Top is the New Bottom [Bruck: possible marketing tie-in with Dominos?]

Vote for your favorite or recommend your own in the comments. SeriouslyGuys will make sure these get into Tom Cruise’s holy space hands.

You Missed It: The other white meat edition

Happy May Day, comrade! May is finally here, which means more flowers that give off pollen–ugh. But seriously, if you are celebrating May Day today, the Department of Homeland Security would like to have a word with you. Me? I’m celebrating Bealtaine, the beginning of the Celtic summer. If you were too busy celebrating 100 days at your new job, odds are you missed it.

You’re telling me I can no longer express my love for pigs?
You probably have not heard yet, but there’s an outbreak of swine flu, and apparently people are really upset about it. Right now, over 300 people have it and are at home having chicken noodle soup, assuming there’s no avian flu in it. The illness came from Mexico and is steadily making its way here in the U.S.–as if we didn’t regret coming back from spring break with an itch already.

She’s got the need, the need for a same-sex relationship
Remember Kelly McGillis? She was that super-hot flight instructor that buzzed Tom Cruise’s flight tower in Top Gun? Yeah, turns out she likes the ladies now. Guess someone did not take her to bed, and as such, lost her forever. In a related note, this would have been so much cooler if it had happened 20 years ago.

So long, and thanks for all the opinions
Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced that he is going to step down soon, setting up the debate of who will replace him on the bench. Souter, a Bush Sr. appointee, has been known for his dry wit, his quiet demeanor and …. Sorry, dozed off there for a second. Souter may be the first American to quit his job in months. Ladies and gentlemen, the recession is over.

It’s like ‘Top Gun’ but in boats … and weird

If Top Gun taught us anything, it’s that communism is best faced over international waters as wet and nakedly as possible. That was 1986.

Since then, the military has faced numerous anti-Top Gun obstacles, including the collapse of communism in the Soviet Union and the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

However, in 2009, the Navy truly loves the ’80s, thanks in part to the Chinese.

During a surveillance mission over 100 miles off the coast of China, the USNS Impeccable found a collection Chinese naval, state and civilian vessels shadowing it. Two of the ships approached, their crews waving Chinese flags and telling the Impeccable to go home. The Impeccable, knowing this was the Top Gun moment they had waited their entire careers for, opened up on them with their fire hoses.

The wet fun didn’t stop there. The Chinese sailors stripped down to their underwear and continued to taunt the American crew provocatively. (What were the chances they’d run into the Chinese on laundry day?)

Creeped out but not wanting to seem homophobic, the Impeccable informed the ships “in a friendly manner” that they were leaving the area. One of the Chinese vessels maneuvered directly in front of the Impeccable, forcing her to an all-stop. They then dropped their large wooden plank right in front of the American’s nose.

Still, the Impeccable escaped. U.S. and Chinese officials have each lodged complaints against the other’s actions in what may be the world’s first maritime legal “You know how I know you’re gay?” arguments.

There’s no need to fear, UnderMcCain is here

Apparently John McCain likes being the underdog. He’s fine with being back six percentage points in the latest poll. The self-proclaimed “maverick” (Top Gun should really consider suing) has admitted that he has screwed up previous campaigns when ahead, so being the underdog might give him that extra little push. Ah yes, the rich white guy in the fight of his life, and if he loses … he gets to go back to being a rich, powerful white guy. We’ll just refer to McCain as the “Tampa Bay Rays” of the 2008 election.