The Guys are really sad to hear about the End of the World that has recently hit your neck of the woods. As some of you are no doubt aware, our own Rick Snee was within a couple miles of a tornado recently, and yours truly saw some really deep water a couple years ago, so we are practically experts on the End of the World coming to a world near you.
We do sincerely extend our regrets to all of you, and hope you don’t fall off into the ocean, as so many cinematic experiences would suggest. We would miss you terribly if you left us, and we hope the loss of vital utilities, like electricity, will not keep you from reading us.
Just to update everyone else: it’s snowing in San Diego (Spanish for “What is this ‘precipitation’ you speak of?”), stranding lots of people. But more entertainingly, a billion gallons of tainted water are set to cause a massive tidal wave in Colorado. And finally, Texas is blowing up.
Remember those tornadoes that ripped through the South earlier this week, and how our own Rick Snee whined about nearly being killed by one? Turns out, if he really was scared for his life, all he had to do was start drinking the nearest bottle.
That’s exactly what one Tennessee man did. James Kruger was up late watching the Super Tuesday results on television when he saw a tornado warning for his county. Among his other preparations, he took a shot of whiskey. As soon as he took the shot, the tornado hit his house. He hit the ground and prayed for his life.
“Lying there, everything in the house flew over him, scraping and banging his back, Kruger said. Then the chaos stopped. ‘I was laying in the dirt. There was no floor. No nothing.'”
That’s right, there was no nothing left but Kruger and his buzz. Why was he saved? Most likely, because of the drink. Alcohol has been known to have strange powers over otherwise physical realities. It has the ability to play with the time-space continuum, prompting many philosophers to ask, “How the hell did I make it back here last night?” and “wasn’t she prettier when I was drunk?”
However, alcohol even has the power to inspire the evil genius inside us all. The drink inspired one man to threaten to blow up the city of Brisbane, Australia. The obviously inebriated man had a standoff with elite police units ranting about, amongst other things, that he had a device to trigger bombs all over the city.
That device? A television remote control.
Once again, Alabama is trying to kill me.
I woke up at 4 am this morning to the soundtrack from Pearl Harbor. No, not Michael Bay’s crapwork of a film. I mean air raid sirens. I leapt out of bed and fumbled with the alarm clock for a little bit–at first, to mistakenly turn it off, and then to turn on the radio to find out what the hell was going on.
I couldn’t find the radio button, so I scrambled to the living room. On the way, I tripped over the vacuum cleaner, careening it into the cockatiel’s cage and freaking him out. For good measure, I also yelled out the cat’s name while stubbing my toe on the coffee table.
Continue reading Take it from Snee: Alabama is still trying to kill me