Aside from the Cat in the Hat, most non-human Dr. Seuss characters aren’t a clearly defined animal. But we now know that the Grinch is a squirrel.
In Canada, a town near Toronto has had its holiday nights cut by squirrels, because the real War on Christmas is fought between humans and animals. The town had lights in the trees around one of its parks for all to enjoy during the Christmas season. But now, the park is dark because squirrels have chewed through the wires.
The town is standing strong against the animal onslaught, installing multicolored flood lights to get the park looking festive again.
If you think you see Jesus or Mary in your grilled cheese or some other random thing you were about to eat, it turns out you’re not crazy. However, we’re still going to judge you.
Researchers in Toronto have found that the human brain is trained to find faces, so finding them in random objects it natural. In fact, something can only sort of resemble a face and your brain will still tell you it’s a face. It’s called “face pareidolia,” which sounds like a great insult in an argument.
Whether you choose to call the local TV news station and start worshiping that sandwich is up to you.
If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’ve survived another year. We made it through a perilous 2013, filled with bad things happening, disappointing movies and famous people saying things they later related. Plus, one guy had an imaginary girlfriend. It was another year of everyone talking to each other, then eventually realizing that no one was listening, so they began shouting over each other. It’s time to close out the year, and good riddance. Join me as we look back on the insanity that was 2013. Self-medication is recommended.
Happy fiscal cliff!
In the first week of the year, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.
Juicers need not apply
The Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2013 was … no one. No candidate received the necessary 75% of the vote needed to be inducted, it’s the first time that’s happened since 1996. For some reason, the sports writers who cheered on the steroid-era players like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and others, decided they weren’t inspired by these cheaters. It seemed like a pretty stupid move. You don’t want to make juicers mad.
The inauguration was dubbed over
President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were sworn in for a second term in a small ceremony. Then, they were sworn in again the next day, because that was Martin Luther King Day, and they had already gone through the trouble of setting up streamers. Obama laid out his plan for the next four years, including some ideas he had hardly mentioned before. But who cares about covering any of that stuff? The media were more concerned about whether Beyoncé lip-synched. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2013 edition
Right now, the strongest storm you may ever see in your lifetime is raging on the other side of the world. When Super Typhoon Haiyan made landfall in the Philippines today, winds were 195 mph, with gusts of up to 235 mph. This raises two questions for me. Why don’t we get to name anything a “super hurricane?” It just sounds cooler. Also, why do we in North America freak out so much over our weather. People in the South Pacific are faced with the mother of all storms, and they’re just calming hunkering down for the day. If you’re a World Series MVP who was busy coming in third in Boston’s mayoral race this week, odds are you missed it.
This week, the Miami Dolphins found themselves in hot water when offensive lineman Richie Incognito was accused of threatening and physically abusing teammate Jonathan Martin. Audio was released of OL using racial slurs and making threats against Martin and his family, and video of a shirtless rant at a bar. The Dolphins, for the most part, have tried to play it off, saying that it’s just part of team building. Considering that they are 4-4 this season, Miami might want to think about a different approach, preferably one not also used by the KKK.
Toronto makes headlines for first time since SARS
It was a somewhat significant week in American politics, with the gubernatorial elections in New Jersey and Virginia, but the real political news came out of Canada this week. Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, admitted, after months of denial, that he has smoked crack cocaine. He also freely admits that he drinks a bit much sometimes and a video was released this week with Ford making a death threat. Yet he refuses to step down. The Miami Dolphins let Ford know that if he ever does resign, he’s got a spot on their roster.
The bugs are sending them
A report released this week found that meteorites, like the one that exploded over Russia earlier this year, are seven times more likely than previously thought. You may remember that the sound wave from the space rock explosion damaged buildings and knocked people over, which is only a fraction of what could have happened if it had struck the Earth intact. Yep, apparently that’s way more likely than we thought. Sleep well, everyone!
Mr. President, members of Congress, please heed my words, today of all days.
It was 150 years ago today that the largest battle ever on North American soil first began. Mostly by accident, the Army of the Potomac and the Army of Northern Virginia bumped into each other on the outskirts of a Pennsylvania town called Gettysburg. What occurred over the next four days became one of the bloodiest days in American history.
The Battle of Gettysburg is known today as the turning point in the Civil War. Many historians point to it as the beginning of the end of the war. Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee’s hopes of a victory in the North were forever dashed. The North became more confident in its troops’ ability to fight. Today, it’s a celebrated battle in literature, television and even movies.
Generally, NASCAR is pretty funny. It’s a sport where spectators’ goal is to get a drunk as possible beforehand and then dodge flying debris during. It’s a symbol for life, really. You spend the whole time trying to maintain your buzz, watching people you’ll never be compete for the entertainment of thousands, going in circles all the while. But today, we can’t make fun of racing, because they lost one of their own. Dick Trickle was found dead of an apparent suicide. Stop snickering at his name, you guys. If you were busy explaining to the insurance company about how your car got closed in a gate this week, odds are you missed it.
A city hits rock bottom
Toronto has had an unusually hard week. After battling back in the series to force a game 7, the Maple Leafs fell to the Boston Bruins in overtime. Then it was reported that people are shopping around a video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack. Your hockey team lost to the Bruins in the first round and your mayor is caught smoking the rock? Congratulations, Toronto, you’re Washington, D.C. in 1990!
From the Hill looking down
It was uncovered this week that IRS agents targeted groups with conservative-sounding names seeking nonprofit status in recent years, which has drawn criticism from conservative lawmakers. Further Congressional hearings were also called investigating last September’s Bengazi attack, which was investigated months ago. The House also voted for the 37th time to repeal Obamacare. Any day now, lawmakers are going to get around to that sequestration thing.
There is not enough soap to get you clean
This week, an anonymous bidder purchased a topless painting of Bea Arthur for $1.9 million dollars. The painting was done in 1991, and Arthur did not sit for the work of art. The bidder reportedly is planning to spend the entire weekend alone in his room.
In the War on Animals, we know that the outdoors are dangerous. But, man has always held the upper hand because that upper hand is holding money. So long as our economy remains strong, we will be able to stay inside our homes where animals can’t get in. (Unless they’re being put in the freezer. Then they may come indoors in bulk.)
But, what if animals destroy our economy?
That’s exactly what they’re trying to do, whether it’s through bears in a mall or now a monkey at IKEA. The bear attacks were unsophisticated attempts to scare shoppers out of supporting our economy. But, a monkey making a mockery out of our most beloved shopping ritual: arguing with spouses at America’s greatest Swedish store while wearing a trendy coat? Who wouldn’t look at one of our closest relatives and wonder, “Is that what I look like?”
Humans, do not allow let animals make monkeys out of us. Buying furniture that we build ourselves is still very respectable and vital defense spending.
Oh Canada. We make jokes and jests about you because you’re fun. Sure, people may say that you’re “too nice” in a pejorative manner, but really, how can being “too nice” actually be a bad thing, hmm? When people say that you’re a simple folk, they don’t mean it in a negative way, they just mean that you’re too innocent to have to dirty your hands in the slightly harsher elements of world politics.
You might have come up with hockey, but curling? A sport that involves brooms? That’s not exactly strong of muscle, and as such, the world knows (but has not castigated) you’ve been trying to compensate for that.
But seriously? Ultimate Tazer Ball? Was the inexistant “Mid-level Tazer Ball” not enough? You do know that Jackass and Mountain Dew are products of the United States, right?