In the War on Animals, we know that the outdoors are dangerous. But, man has always held the upper hand because that upper hand is holding money. So long as our economy remains strong, we will be able to stay inside our homes where animals can’t get in. (Unless they’re being put in the freezer. Then they may come indoors in bulk.)
But, what if animals destroy our economy?
That’s exactly what they’re trying to do, whether it’s through bears in a mall or now a monkey at IKEA. The bear attacks were unsophisticated attempts to scare shoppers out of supporting our economy. But, a monkey making a mockery out of our most beloved shopping ritual: arguing with spouses at America’s greatest Swedish store while wearing a trendy coat? Who wouldn’t look at one of our closest relatives and wonder, “Is that what I look like?”
Humans, do not allow let animals make monkeys out of us. Buying furniture that we build ourselves is still very respectable and vital defense spending.
Oh Canada. We make jokes and jests about you because you’re fun. Sure, people may say that you’re “too nice” in a pejorative manner, but really, how can being “too nice” actually be a bad thing, hmm? When people say that you’re a simple folk, they don’t mean it in a negative way, they just mean that you’re too innocent to have to dirty your hands in the slightly harsher elements of world politics.
You might have come up with hockey, but curling? A sport that involves brooms? That’s not exactly strong of muscle, and as such, the world knows (but has not castigated) you’ve been trying to compensate for that.
But seriously? Ultimate Tazer Ball? Was the inexistant “Mid-level Tazer Ball” not enough? You do know that Jackass and Mountain Dew are products of the United States, right?
Come one, come all, and come visit the fiery world of Toronto! Act fast, and you too can see what once was a propane depot, now a smoldering hole in the ground! Book now, and at no charge, we’ll schedule you with a “local’s experience”, allowing you to live like one of those that went through the explosion. Hurry, and you’ll be able to:
See the fireball!
Feel the explosion!
Hear the roar of the blast!
Breath in the wondrous and massive cloud of smoke!
Be evacuated on cramped buses like locals!
Be cut by exploding windows, even if you’re up to a mile away!
Witness what simply must be the handiwork of Michael Bay. Book now!