The Tour de France stands as an example that the rest of the world is really into sports the U.S. only cares about if an American team happens to be really good at it. But it’s going on right now, even though we just had the World Cup. And maybe a big bicycle race is worth watching after all, because some bikers accidentally got teargassed.
Turns out some French farmers are really mad at the French government about some French laws, and they chose to protest at the Tour de France. Given our limited knowledge of the geography of France, if there are farmers, it’s either where they grow grapes or where Belle from Beauty and the Beast is from.
The farmers put up hay bales to block the Tour de France for their protest, and the police cleared them out by using teargas. Unfortunately the gas hadn’t cleared when the riders got there, and it got in their eyes.
After a 15 minute break, and some eye rinsing, the race was back on.
In the wake of allegations by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency, Lance Armstrong has stepped down from chairing his line of cheap men’s accessories, Livestrong. Minutes later, Nike announced that they will no longer use him as a spokesman (ha!).
The non-profit, non-governmental USADA put out a report last week accusing Armstrong and his Tour de France teams of using performance enhancing drugs to win the race seven consecutive times from 1999 to 2005. Since then, Armstrong has been on the ropes, debating whether he will submit to a polygraph.
Armstrong said he looks forward to spending more time at home with his testicle … provided that he hasn’t given it cancer, too, with all those alleged hormone treatments he didn’t take.
You missed You Missed It, and You Missed It missed you, too. I hope all of you American readers out there enjoyed the day off. As for the international readers, well, too bad for you. If you were busy emerging out of Chapter 11 this week, odds are you missed it.
Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell is a hockey mom, too
We were off on Friday, as was the rest of the country. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin knew it, too. That’s why she made the “gotcha media” show up in her back yard for a rambling announcement that she is stepping down from her post for the last 16 months of her term. Palin will step down at the end of the month to get back to her roots–feeling victimized and retooling her condescension.
Not an Olympic year
Real American Hero Lance Armstrong finished third in the seventh leg of the Tour de France, which is Spanish for “Tour of France on a bicycle.” Armstrong, whose blood is in fact red, white and blue, is chasing his 8th title in the month-long race. Meanwhile, Michael Phelps set a record in the butterfly event, and Honduras just won some international soccer tournament. There, I just saved you hours watching sports you don’t care about.
This was intentionally placed last
Insane Passionate fans bade farewell to the King of Pop in Los Angeles earlier this week. In a massive ceremony, Jackson’s family urged for money, as the spectacle they created cost the bankrupt city $1.4 million. Don’t worry, Joe Jackson will be putting Jacko’s kids on tour in no time. They’ll work if they don’t want to be hit, right, Joe?
Continuing the news trend of celebrity atheletes who don’t know what “retired” means, Lance Armstrong has announced that he and his remaining testicle are racing again.
His goal is to win the Tour De France again raise awareness for cancer. You probably haven’t heard of cancer. It’s the disease that killed your grandmother. No, not the one who was crushed by her horse. The other one. You were six.
As a service to these egomaniac atheletes who can’t stop unretiring, this blog would like to offer them a new word: vacation.
You know, when you go away for a little bit and relax, then come back after a certain period of time? Yeah, you’re not retiring, you’re on vacation.
Stop trying to bait the press with retirement rumors. Soon they won’t believe you and you’ll have to fake your death just to interest them again.
Remember how we told you that print journalism is doomed? (Doooomed, I tell’s ya!)
Newsweek, which you probably read in waiting rooms when the Highlights is bogarded, has paid off 111 of its writers and staffers to go hit the showers … at some other magazine or home … permanently.
We’re not saying we were right, but Newsweek isn’t firing these staffers because they’re selling too many print issues. Of course, this blog posits that Newsweek‘s woes began when they started selling back issues to the nation’s dental offices. (This week’s big scoop: “Can Lance Armstrong win seventh Tour de France???”)