A cloud with a Patron Silver lining

This won’t be our first twirl around a light post, but it will be our grandest.

This is it, boozehounds! This is the day we’ve trained for! Mexico has invented a cloud that precipitates tequila, and, brothers and sisters, The Guys are ready to sing in that rain.

Of course, there are a couple of threats to consider:

1. The border wall is no defense against Mexico’s greatest export since Taco Tuesday in aerosol form.

2. It’s being developed with the Germans. That can’t be good.

3. It’s the greatest weather-based threat to clothes since acid rain. The aftermath of a full-on tequila storm will leave more people naked than Burning Man. And possibly result in The Purge.

But, let’s be honest: if it were up to The Guys, this is the form of our destruction that we’d choose. #zuul

The snows of Ecuador

When going on vacation, it’s probably best to just write off all of South America. Really, we mean the whole continent. It’s filled with lovely people and all, but it sort of seems like they target tourists wherever you go. That is, of course, except for Ecuador. They love tourists there.

A French couple arrived home after a vacation in Ecuador, and luckily, their bags arrived along with them. However, when the couple got home, they discovered that their bags had been unpacked for them somewhere in transit. They had no clothes or souvenirs, except for a very special gift from the people of Ecuador: cocaine. 20 kilograms (about 44 lbs.) of it.

That’s how you get return business.

Hollandazed and confused no longer

Hey, pot smokers. While we appreciate your readership over the years (assuming you arrived here by mistakenly typing “Seriously guys, can I overdose on weed?” in your Google search), it appears that the Dutch have had enough of your s@%t.

A judge has upheld a proposed government ban on selling marijuana to non-Dutch citizens in their world-famous coffee bars. The government is hoping to clean up their reputation for catering to “drug tourists,” believing that this could bring back the kind of nice, clean-cut tourists that visit for Amsterdam’s Red Light District.

On the plus side, this should reduce the decibels of stoned conversation in the Van Gogh museum.

Don’t kill yourself planning this year’s vacation

It was a close call, but we almost lost the world’s premier euthadestination: Switzerland.

The Swiss conservative Federal Democratic Union party and Christian groups lost a referendum vote to end assisted suicide for foreign visitors. 80 percent of Swiss voters depend on the FDU-dubbed “suicide tourism” industry, which is the neutral nation’s only means of competition with other European hotspots like Amsterdam’s marijuana and sex tourism and France’s “go ahead and take Paris, we weren’t really using it anyway” tourism.

So, when you think you can’t take your spouse, kids and job anymore, think Switzerland.

We know you ate unhealthy food last night

You’re in Dubai, but you want to stay slim, after all, you are planning on going to the beach, and you want to look good in your banana hammock. But, you also need to eat, it happens.

Why not try something fast, filling and fat free? We present to you, the camel burger. Because you know you’ve looked at a camel before and thought, “Hmmm, I wonder what that thing tastes like, especially on a bun with some cheese on it.” Now you can find out.

Out of the frying pan and into the foyer

Talk about a rough vacation: all the guests get food poisoning in the hotel restaurant, a family is accused of stealing towels when they try to check out, then security guards shoot a teenage girl in the face with a stun gun, leading to an all-out brawl by the front desk. On the bright side, the whole family did get to see the porn movie being filmed in the hotel lobby.

Hmmm. I guess Bulgaria isn’t so bad after all.

How To: Be a tourist

Yes, it is spring–a time when warmth, love and even March Madness are in the air. Trees bud, bears come out of their caves, and humans get the sudden urge to travel.

Science still is unsure what it is in humanity that causes this urge to migrate, or why it has to be some place the individual or their offspring has never been. The current theory is that in ancient times, Neanderthals survived when the seasons changed, by grabbing their primitive cameras and hopping on buses to see big piles of rocks they had learned about in history class. This was a very short class, since nothing had happened yet.

With this in mind, The Guys bring you how to be a tourist. Continue reading How To: Be a tourist