You Missed It: Newfangled contraption edition

"OMG did anyone see Downton Abbey last night?"
“OMG did anyone see Downton Abbey last night?”

Apparently some Google exec broke the freefall record set by Felix Baumgartner just a couple years ago. He jumped higher than any human has every jumped. Only thing is that it wasn’t sponsored by Red Bull, so no one knew it was going to happen. In that case, what’s the point? Why walk across the Grand Canyon on a wire if no one’s watching? We don’t do stunts for ourselves, we do them for the attention. If you were busy getting your reality show cancelled this week, odds are you missed it.

#imaqueenbitches
This week, Queen Elizabeth II sent out her first tweet to open an exhibit at the Science Museum in London. In her tweet, she greeted everyone to the exhibit and expressed her hopes that everyone enjoys it. All of her tweets since then have been nothing but pictures of her grandchildren and conspiracy theories.

The Steve Jobs we deserve
It was announced this week that Christian Bale will play Steve Jobs in yet another movie about the deceased Apple genius of geniuses, directed by Aaron Sorkin. In the announcement, Sorkin said that Bale will “crush” the role of Jobs. Bale said he’s looking forward to the role, as he has a lot of experience playing billionaires who develop their own technology by day, and crush the windpipes of bad guys by night.

Meth-cooking grip
After a mother complaints went viral, Toys R Us pulled Breaking Bad action figures from its shelves. In response, actor Aaron Paul criticized the company’s decision, and fans formed a counter-petition to bring the toys back. In other news, thousands of people in Africa are dying from Ebola.

Rock beats scissors, dual lightsabers beats taser

A man from Hillsboro, Oregon has been arrested and charged with assault after allegedly attacking customers at a Toys ‘R Us store with … drum roll please … wait for it … two plastic lightsabers.

The man, armed with two lightsabers and his abnormally high mitochondrial count, started swinging the toy weapons at customers in the store last week. You can just see the transition from Jedi to Sith.

When the police were called, the 33 year-old moved out to the car park. When cops confronted him there, he began attacking them with the lightsabers, and when one officer shot a taser at him he “knocked one of the wires away”. Such skill and finesse.

It was all for naught, though. Police eventually got the better of Master Porkins, who now faces “allegations of disorderly conduct, theft, assault, resisting arrest and interfering with a police officer”.

We prefer gunmetal Friday, truth told

This year’s Black Friday seems to have been a bit more sedate than it has been in the past. There don’t seem to be any reports of super humongous violence for attendees outside of a scant few here or there. In my neck of the woods, I haven’t heard of any news of horror, despite rumors of around 700 people standing outside the local Toys R Us.

But not all Toys R Us are full of order and joy.

We bring you news of fear and terror from the scariest of all places-Wisconsin. While waiting in the cold for the Black Friday shopping joy, a woman from Middleton, Wisconsin, began pushing her way to the front of the line, allegedly threatening to show her gun as her “reason for being in the front.”

Of course, that was all for not, as no actual gun was found on her. Nonetheless, the lady found out that you can’t just say you’ve got a gun on you and still go to the front of lines. It tends to get you arrested.