If you smell something, say something

Some security incidents are just fishier than others.

Alert passengers at a Swedish rail station reported a suspicious package to authorities. A sealed package was just sitting there on a bench in the crowded station. We can only assume that the station was evacuated out of an abundance of caution. When brave police offers opened the package, they discovered that it contained several pounds of cod.

This blog has been saying for years that fish should not be in civilian hands.

Violinists need to attach strings to their relationships

Emotional reunions with ludicrously expensive violins is apparently catnip to newsmen.
Emotional reunions with ludicrously expensive violins is apparently catnip to newsmen.
SeriouslyGuys has tracked the news, finding you the most important items you need to survive, for more than eight years now (or even longer, according to our vault). In that time, we’ve uncovered some weird news trends, like how much the media likes to report on animal attacks (because we’re at war with animals) and elections, even though the results are always the same.

Well, we’ve found a new trend: missing, priceless violins being eventually returned to their owners.

Just from a cursory scan, we found stories dating back from 2008 and 2012. And now we have one more today. It’s not even the same absent-minded violinist; different violinists keep leaving “priceless” violins ranging from $180,000 to $2.6 million (so … not priceless) on mass transit, and it’s always up to some poor cab or bus driver and the police to reunite them.

It’s time for violinists to take more responsibility for their instruments — or at least write their names on their violin cases. You don’t see pianists leaving their baby grands on the subway.

Or, if they’re leaving these expensive violins in cabs and trains on purpose, then it’s time for them to grow up. You’re first chair; tell your tiger mom like an adult that you want to quit violin.

One way to quit your job: steal a train

There are a lot of creative ways to quit your job. Sadly, many of us refuse to go through with our fantasies because we treasure the prospect of a referral. Then there are people who live out their fantasies, and end up going off the rails, so to speak.

Police say an disgruntled employee at a Wyoming coal mine did just that. According to authorities, Derek Skyler Brux worked at a rail line for a coal operation, and decided to steal a train. He challenged his boss to a game of chicken. He eventually found another train to hit while going only 10 mph, then he backed up and hit it again.

He was caught when he fled on foot after causing a lot of damage, but no injuries.

Man falls out of train, paper more concerned about his beer

We to make fun of the news here at SG, but it’s very rare that we get to make fun of the news as well as how it’s being covered. Let’s see what the Moscow Times has for us today.

Challenging the widespread notion about the inherent goodness of man, passengers of a suburban train outside Moscow stole the luggage and finished the beer of a man who fell of the train ….

Great lead sentence. Who in Russia believes that people are inherently good? Aren’t they the ones who have to use dash cams in their cars because insurance fraud is so rampant? Still, that does suck for the guy to lose his beer and luggage like that.

The unlucky passenger was keeping the door of the moving train car open to get some fresh air in the unventilated vestibule, ….

He eventually dropped out at a turn in the road, leaving behind an unfinished beer, two car bumpers and a screw gun.

So no one at the inherently good Moscow Times thought to ask what happened to the man, but found out exactly what he was carrying with him? That is kind of weird luggage, though.

Train officials ignored requests to pick up the man’s belongings, the daily said on Friday.

This allowed an unnamed male passenger to finish the beer and make away with the bumpers and the power tool before train officials came.

Again, none of these inherently good people are concerned about the guy who FELL OUT OF A TRAIN. They just want his junk cleared out, but people driving the train don’t even want to be bothered with the man’s belongings. Also, thanks for clarifying that the guy who took the beer, bumpers and screw gun was unarmed. Was that a distinguishing thing because everyone else on the train was strapped?

Four people, one train

Perhaps you’re the type of person that thinks Massachusetts is a state full of cleanliness. Perhaps you have the generalization that Massachusetts is nothing but prim and proper, because of all of those uptight white people. Maybe you even you think that Massachusetts, Boston notwithstanding, is full of people who know what the rules are and aren’t afraid to not break them.

You’d be wrong.

Here’s a life lesson, and though you may be only hearing it for the first time ever, go through life clinging tight to the phrase: nobody wants a person’s luggage on the caboose.

The Swiss continue to be namby-pambies

In the United States, snakes are nothing to us. Nothing. Sure, some might be poisonous, but ultimately, they’re a low priority in the war on animals.

We’ve clearly lost the land of Switzerland to the animals, as they can’t handle a single snake. A small snake managed to make its way into the ventilation shaft of a train in Switzerland, causing the entire train to have to be evacuated. No. That will not do. Toughen up Switzerland. That’s an order from the front lines.

The Rhythm is Gonna Get Ya

For those of you reading this on your mobile device while walking and listening to music, turn off that music right now. According to researchers from the University of Maryland, “serious injuries to pedestrians listening to headphones have more than tripled in six years,” and that number will only go up as we get older and/or the music playing through those headphones gets louder.

70 percent of headphone-wearing pedestrians in their study of 116 cases ended in death. (No one reported whether the iPod or Zune was OK.) And this was despite over half of the accidents involving trains, which, c’mon, kind of give away where they’re coming from with tracks.

At least a third of the 116 accidents involving cars and trains tried to alert pedestrians with their horns, but this blended in seamlessly with listeners’ techno and dubstep mixes. The study did not account for people of superior musical taste who aimed for the pedestrians and then sounded their horn in a victorious yawp.

Bonus: The article in the link comes from an online section of the USA Today titled, “DriveOn.”

Oh, don’t mind these scissors

A clearly lonely Japanese man was arrested in Higashiyamacho, Saitama Prefecture on Sunday for cutting a woman’s pants while she slept on a train (thanks to the ads, link is Not Safe For Work). Perhaps our idea of him being a pervert was a bit hasty, as police interrogated him and got loads of information as to why he did it. According to police, Takahashi told station staff, “She was stretched out on the priority seat taking up all the space, so I got mad at her.”

The man is a 57 year old construction worker who apparently enjoys bringing scissors onto trains (nothing bad ever happens on Japanese trains). He thought he was in the clear until the victim realized her pants had been cut, and followed him off the train to report him to authorities.

Our Advice: Go to the newsstand if you get urges like these. It’ll be pretty clear the next steps that you’ll need to take.

Love is on the rails, every where and every town

Where to you go to meet potential lovers? The club? The mall? Furry conventions? How about the train? That could actually work if you were to ride on the JR East’s Koumi line in Japan.

There’s one train car that is actually hosting a singles event! Singles aged 25 to 40 will board the fancy hybrid train that passes along the scenic Yatsugatake mountains, going from Kobuchizawa Station in Yamanashi Prefecture to Komoro Station in Nagano Prefecture and back again, giving guys and gals plenty of time (4.5 hours) to mingle and make a connection. It’s quite literally speed dating.

“Guy and girl train enthusiasts, get together on Japan’s most fun train!” says an enthusiastic Sumio Taga, the organizer of the event.

With Japan’s rich and stereotypical history of men and the train system, that doesn’t sound creepy at all!

All the groping you can afford

Reportedly, one of the biggest pains is when you’re out late at night with friends in Japan and the rush to catch that last train at 1am begins. After that, you’re stranded until 6am with no trains running and most businesses shuttered. Sometimes you can find a bar that’ll be open to keep you occupied until you can find your way home, but you’ll be piss-drunk as a result. Which, honestly, we’re not exactly complaining about.

That’s the way things currently are in Japan, for better or worse.

But that not be the way things are in Japan in the future. The Tokyo government is considering running the Toei Chikatetsu 24 hours a day, due to the increasing number of flights coming into Haneda airport in Tokyo at all hours of the night. It’s a much more attractive option than a $60 cab ride in or something of that nature.

This would certainly change some of the cityscape of Tokyo. In the largest city of a country with 200% of its GDP in debt, they could use the jobs that this change could create. Of course, Japan is notorious for true stories urban legends of women being repeatedly groped by men left and right and left and right and other directions that you didn’t know exist. Will a 24 hour train make this situation worse? We’ll have to watch for the filed police reports to judge that.