Ask Dr. Snee: Samson Agontestes

Dear Dr. Snee,

Why is it that at the slightest touch, like when I bump them into a shopping cart, does it hurt my balls excruciatingly, but when I’m pounding away during sex, they’re slapping against her and everything feels fine? Do my balls have superpowers?

— Micah C.

The testicles, which you refer to as your “balls,” are incredibly sensitive part of the anatomy that nearly all vertebrate males share. This is why, when someone tells you to “show a little backbone,” you are socially obligated to display your testes in any method of your choosing. I personally prefer “The Brain” because, like a furry misshapen Epcot Ball, it’s fun and educational.

As sensitive as testicles are, you’d assume that a kind and intelligent creator would put them in the center of the body, farthest away from harm, like your heart or uvula. But since God is dead, they dangle there, front and center with maybe a large enough penis to cover them if you’re not wearing briefs. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Samson Agontestes

Screwed up royally?

British people might argue that Americans can’t understand what it’s like to support an archaic family dynasty that wields no real power anymore. To that The Guys reply, “Well, yeah. What are you, retarded?”

Of course, the British do the same thing with their useless family lineages that we do with ours during wars: send them to military school indefinitely, and — if that doesn’t work out — stick them in the National Guard until the conflict blows over.

Prince William managed to make the news for once because of reports alleging that he grounded a training jet during flight school by toggling when he should have flicked, resulting in an “overcooked” jet engine. It’s a fairly common mistake and only a big deal because his Dad is waiting for his grandmother to die before growing up.

The Little Prince still passed flight school and is currently training to be a search-and-rescue helicopter pilot. He also holds commissions in the British Navy and Army. If he joins one more branch, does he get to wear a super-duper uniform that incorporates the best parts from all services?

No mar sonar

Of all the branches of the military, the U.S. Navy is probably the most finicky about just which side it is on in the War on Animals. This really makes no sense, seeing as how the military is supposed to help us fight wars, but nevertheless, there have been some issues with them in the past, including training dolphins and sea lions to protect the country’s shores, like we can really trust the enemy. The Navy has also roughed up yours truly when I tried to get onto the Naval Academy campus hunting a green pigeon.

Last month, President George Bush exempted the Navy from environmental protections, basically saying they could use their sonar whenever they want, even though traitors claim it kills whales–like that’s a bad thing. Before that, the issue had been bounced around in the federal courts. First the Navy could not use sonar because it might harm whales, then the courts said they could use sonar no matter what.

Now, the courts are saying Bush cannot take the steps necessary to keep our oceans free of mammals. That’s right, the Navy is back to no sonar mode. These liberal, critter-loving courts need to get their heads out of the sand and realize there is a war going on. If the courts had it their way, we wouldn’t be able to monitor our enemy’s mating calls, either!

How To: Control that man o’ yours

We’re not going to name any names, but there’s a concern that a certain lady running for president can’t control her husband, who was also once president. It’s a sensitive situation, so we’ll call them Hilda and Billfred to preserve their dignity. When Hilda commented that she can control Billfred, it caused a lot of people to wonder if it’s possible to control any husband, much less Billfred. To help you proud owners of men, The Guys got together to write how to control that man o’ yours.

Continue reading How To: Control that man o’ yours