You Missed It: End of 2017 edition

There’s no other way to get through this.

Remember when it was a running joke that 2016 was the worst year ever? That was a great year compared to 2017. “Oh no, some famous people died, 2016 sucks!” It’s like 2017 heard our complaining and decided to show us what a bad year really looks like. The good news is that there’s no reason 2018 won’t be even worse. So this right now is as good as it gets. This year we were all a distracted boyfriend. We thought fidget spinners were the best and worst thing ever at the same time. We gave out the wrong Oscar for best picture. We all looked at the eclipse with special glasses — except for one guy. We punched Nazis. We ended the careers of creepy men. We debated the meaning of “covfefe.” It was the year of the clown, from Donald Trump to the remake of It. There were huge fires and massive hurricanes. There were threats of nuclear war. Let’s double-tap this awful year with a final look back. Fill up your glass and take a deep breath.

January

Going for gold
Days before the inauguration, CNN and BuzzFeed reported that President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump had been briefed on a series of unverified memos from a former British spy claiming that the Russians were trying to get dirt on Trump to use as leverage against him. One of the leaked documents said Russian spies had recorded Trump getting a golden shower from some prostitutes while in Moscow. Of course Trump likes golden showers. Have you seen his mansions? Golden everything!

Gone to that big theme park in the sky
SeaWorld held its final killer whale show, marking the end of an era. The final show came just couple days after Tillikum, the killer whale in Blackfish, had died. We didn’t realize how serious SeaWorld was about retiring those whales.

Going off the path
The Trump administration banned huge swaths of the federal government from sharing scientific data. This lead to the Badlands National Park’s Twitter account to go rogue, tweeting out scientific facts that support that climate change is real and humans are the leading cause of it. We should have known that the rebellion would start with those rugged, high-socked trail guides who know how to live off the land.

February

Trump vs. Australia
President Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull had a phone conversation, and it did not go well. At one point, Trump criticized a refugee agreement between the U.S. and Australia, and eventually he hung up on Malcolm. Sen. John McCain called Australia Ambassador Joe Hockey (who should really be the Canadian ambassador) to smooth things over between the two countries. It was the good-cop-bad-cop routine has ever been used in international diplomacy, this should be interesting.

Phones can start wars
Kids are always texting and tweeting on the cell phones, right? No one thinks that it’s a bigger problem than Pope Francis. During an address to some students, His Holiness advised the kids to put their phones down at the dinner table and have a real, face-to-face conversation with adults, or else it’s “the start of war if there is no dialogue.” However, the students were too busy plotting their war against adults via text message.

New level of s*&^$y performance
A band made headlines after a failed enema stunt on stage got them banned from a venue in Houston. According to the bar owner, Sonic Rabbit Hole performed on stage, and then one band member gave another member an enema, and the bag burst. And that, Mr. President, is why we need to support the arts.

March

Russia still way better than U.S. in coverups
FBI Director James Comey took the unusual step of confirming that his agency is investigating President Donald Trump’s campaign team and the Russians, and the list of campaign officials who met with the Russians continued to grow. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer denied that there was any wrongdoing, saying that Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale were just family friends.

Police get a win for Brady
Authorities announced that they found the stolen Super Bowl jersey of Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback ever to play the game, as well as his missing jersey from his Super Bowl victory two years earlier. The jerseys were reportedly stolen by a journalist and taken to Mexico, where they were later found. The Breitbart version of that story: Mexico sent its dishonest media to steal a hardworking white American’s shirt off his back.

Not to mention that candlestick was oozing sex
The live-action Beauty and the Beast opened in theaters to rave reviews of women who remember the 90s. The movie faced a boycott from conservative Christian mothers who didn’t like that there was a gay character in the movie. They said that a kid’s movie about Stockholm syndrome and a bunch of enchanted household objects trying to get their buffalo-man boss laid is one thing, but a gay person is going too far.

April

White girl solves racism
Pepsi released an ad that featured noted young rich person Kendall Jenner joining a crowd of protesters holding signs reading “Join the Conversation!” and giving a police officer a can of Pepsi. The ad was criticized for trivializing the Black Lives Matter movement to sell sugar water. Executives were shocked that a crowd of diverse stereotypes, music, and a message so general that it’s meaningless didn’t work. After all, it worked for Coke 46 years ago.

For those who only look like they work hard
This decade, whatever we end up calling it, probably isn’t going to be known for its fashion. A week after those clear-legged jeans hit the market, Nordstrom answered back with jeans that already look muddy. For just $425, you can dress like the day laborers you pay less than minimum wage.

It’s never OK to joke about suicide
Netflix faced criticism over its show 13 Reasons Why and its depiction of suicide. Critics said that the sensitive topic should have been handled more responsibly, and that it’s way too early to be profiting off of the Aaron Hernandez story.

May

You’ve got worms
The WannaCry worm infected computers around the world. Called ransomware, the worm held the hard drives of infected Windows computers for ransom, demanding payment in Bitcoin. It struck hundreds of thousands of computers in 150 countries, and led to hundreds of thousands of wives questioning what websites their husbands visit when they’re not home.

Trump creates job opening
President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey over his investigation of connections between Trump campaign officials and Russian agents and hacking the Democratic National Committee’s emails in 2016. It was a decision that would in no way come back to haunt him.

Sleeping Tiger
Police in Florida arrested Tiger Woods after he was found sleeping at the wheel of his car which was on the side of the road. Reports indicate that alcohol was not involved, but rather his incoherent state was the result of a reaction to his prescription medication. Floridians were outraged that Woods was arrested, arguing that every driver in Florida is messed up on drugs.

June

‘Transformers: The Ides of March’
Transformers: The Fifth Film in the Series hit theaters. Critics answered with a resounding, “Why does this exist?” but the real news was that spin-off movies are planned. Executives are reportedly considering prequel films involving the Transformers in ancient Rome. This would be great, because who doesn’t want to watch a movie about robots wearing togas that transform into chariots?

The Sessions session
Attorney General Jeff Sessions visited his old friends in the Senate this week to testify under oath. Sessions claimed a faulty memory throughout much of the questioning about ties to Russia, and said he thought he was going to talk about his favorite monuments being torn down.

The sexual assault trial of actor Bill Cosby was declared a mistrial after the jury remained deadlocked on reaching a verdict. Cosby’s lawyer cheered the news, and assured his client that American society will be far more tolerant to sexual assault allegations in the months ahead.

July

Spice put on ice
Sean Spicer stepped down from his post as White House press secretary. He at first denied the reports as fake news from the dishonest liberal media, but then looked down at his notes and learned that he had apparently resigned.

Man who didn’t murder two people granted parole
O.J. Simpson was granted parole this week after serving nine years in prison for an armed heist to steal back some of his memorabilia that had been sold. Simpson told the judge he plans to search for the real armed robber.

Tardigrades will outlive us all
A study was published suggesting that tardigrades, microscopic animals that can’t really be burned, frozen or anything else, are the most likely form of life to survive a cataclysmic event on Earth. Considering how things are going, they can have it.

August

Age of retirement in U.K. is 96
It was announced that Prince Phillip would retire from making public appearances, citing ill health and the fact that he is 96 years old. Mr. The Queen also said he’s tired of Buckingham Palace staff thinking he’s a ghost.

Veterans, not veterinarians
Congress can’t even help puppies. A bill was introduced in July to defund the Department of Veterans’ Affairs from testing stuff like meth on dogs, and giving dogs heart attacks. The bill enjoyed bipartisan support in August, and promptly died after no vote was taken on it in committee.

The citronella soldiers
A bunch of Civil War cosplayers and white power enthusiasts stepped away from Twitter for a day so that they could rally in support of free speech in Charlottesville, Virginia. The idiots grabbed tiki torches and no doubt intimidated local mosquitoes as planned.

September

Is this not a test?
TV viewers in California were shocked when emergency alerts flashed on their screens with incoherent messages. One message was a panicked voice talking about the government working with extraterrestrials, and the other proclaimed that violent times were ahead. It turned out that both were recordings of crazy people calling in to radio shows years earlier. Man, I hate sweeps week gimmicks.

From Russia with likes
It was uncovered that Russian-funded ads on Facebook spread pro-Trump propaganda and even organized Trump rallies while appearing to be grassroots movements. President Donald Trump responded in his typical, even-keeled way, saying that the Facebook ad controversy was fake news. So the news about the fake news on the site plagued continually by fake news is fake news. Get it straight.

Blood feud
A disturbing video of police officers in Utah violently arresting a nurse went viral. The arrest resulted after the nurse refused to draw blood from an unconscious subject without consent or warrant. Police officers countered that she got what she deserved because they had asked her, “Pretty please,” even adding, “with sugar on top.”

October

The final away message
AOL announced that it was shutting down its instant messenger service once and for all. Your parents were reportedly very upset by the announcement.

The woke yogurt
Yogurt company Oikos dropped Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton from its ad campaign after he made sexist remarks about a woman asking him questions during a news conference. To show how sorry he was, and how mature he has become from this learning experience, in an apology video he promised to never laugh when a female reporter says “route,” “balls,” or “slot.”

Fame monster fired
Media mogul Harvey Weinstein was fired from The Weinstein Company after numerous accusations of sexual harassment and sexual assault were brought to light. So let that be a lesson to all you men in power: don’t you dare defile a potted plant, or we’ll eventually get around to being outraged.

November

Never become the story
Today Show host Matt Lauer and radio yarn spinner Garrison Keillor were fired from there jobs amid allegations of inappropriate sexual behavior. One report against Lauer, and this is true, is that he gave a female employee a sex toy and wrote her a note about what he wanted to do with it. Meanwhile, female staffers reported numerous unwanted invitations to skinny dip with Keillor in Lake Woebegone.

Something happened in Delaware
Parts of the Mid-Atlantic were rocked when a magnitude 4.1 earthquake struck near Dover, Delaware. President Donald Trump said he hopes for a speedy recovery from the natural disaster, adding that the nation of Delaware brought this on itself.

Get out of jail free
President Donald Trump took credit for getting three UCLA basketball players out of a Chinese jail after they were arrested on suspicion of shoplifting. He then complained that the basketball players should have shown him more gratitude for their freedom. This was actually a news story this year.

December

Worst airport ever
Thousands of people’s days were ruined when Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport lost power for roughly 11 hours. The outage caused a massive travel snarl at the busiest airport in the U.S. The good news is that no one had to rush for their connecting flight.

Feel fancier than you are
Miller High Life has called itself “the champagne of beers,” probably hoping that most people have never had champagne. But this year, the discerning macro beer snob will be able to enjoy High Life in a champagne bottle. So if you’re hosting a New Year’s party, here a great prank to play at midnight.

Time grows short
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the life expectancy for the U.S. dropped for the second year in a row. So after all this, there’s something to look forward to.

You Missed It: Ancient robot edition

From the franchise that once teabagged its whole audience.

There was a shooting in my town earlier this week. Perhaps you heard about it. The good news is that only the attacker was killed. What I love about it is that you have a group of lawmakers who were attacked, who break down in tears during interviews about the attack, and the big lesson they all draw from it is, “We need security detail.” I don’t think there will ever be a better example of the self-interest of Congress than that. If you were busy heading to see a friend in North Korea this week, odds are you missed it.

‘Transformers: The Ides of March’
This weekend, Transformers: The Fifth Film in the Series hits theaters. Critics have answered with a resounding, “Why does this exist?” but the real news is that spin-off movies are planned. Executives are reportedly considering prequel films involving Transformers in ancient Rome. This would be great, because who doesn’t want to watch a movie about robots wearing togas that transform into chariots?

The Sessions session
Attorney General Jeff Sessions visited his old friends in the Senate this week to testify under oath. Sessions claimed a faulty memory throughout much of the questioning about ties to Russia, and said he thought he was going to talk about his favorite monuments being torn down.

Paris after dark
Two teenage boys were rescued after spending three days lost in the Catacombs of Paris, which is a series of tunnels under the city that contain the stacked bones of over six million people. The boys said it was a creepy experience, and say they ran into at least a dozen death metal bands while they were down there.

You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

I'm not eager to do this, and you shouldn't be, either.
I’m not eager to do this, and you shouldn’t be, either.

We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.

January

At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.

Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.

In case you’re not sick of him already
Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

Even eBay user Ladiesman217 thinks that’s a dumb idea

Our own Chris “Chugs” Taylor has gone on record before that he likes the first Michael Bay Transformers movie. If you want to redeco your car to look like Barricade from that movie, that’s fine.

If you want to redeco your Maserati to look like Barricade from that movie, that’s not a fine decision. That’s a dumb decision.

If you want to drive your Maserati that’s been repainted to look like Barricade from that movie and assist your local police by being a visible nuisance, that’s an even dumber decision.

The McBournie Minute: Transformers in Boston, Texas

Why do we allow these things to keep happening to us? When are we going to stand up and say we’ve had enough of this abuse. I’m speaking, of course, about the newest Transformers movie.

It was back in 2006 when I first heard about Michael Bay working on a live-action movie about alien robots that change into vehicles to hide in plain sight. It was one of my favorite shows as a kid, but as the basis for a movie, it just sounds terrible. Yet it worked for the most part.

Eight years later, and things are so far gone it’s tough to remember that first one. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Transformers in Boston, Texas

You Missed It: Courting edition

And if that doesn't work, it's time for the evil eye.
And if that doesn’t work, it’s time for the evil eye.

Did you miss me? I didn’t miss you. It’s not anything against all of you fine readers of discerning taste, it’s that while I was gone, I was on a tropical beach drinking rum for roughly 168 hours straight. During that time, I wasn’t really thinking, “Man, I sure wish writing snarky stuff about current events!” But my trip had to end, and so here we are again. This still beats working on a Friday afternoon. If you were busy threatening a movie this week, odds are you missed it.

Great, now all three branches are involved
House Speaker John Boehner made headlines this week when he announced plans to sue President Barack Obama for overstepping the bounds of executive power. Boehner, who in no way looks like Robert Wagner, insisted that the move is not simply an election-year stunt, and said that should the lawsuit fail, he will file it again another 50 times.

We’ve all been fight-a-homeless-guy drunk
Actor Shia LaBeouf drunkenly disturbed a performance of a performance of “Cabaret” by spitting into the air and generally being a jerk, according to witnesses. He tussled with a security guard who escorting him out after LaBeouf fell down on his own. Outside, he apparently fought with a homeless man before getting arrested. Man, viral marketing for the new Transformers movie has stepped it up.

When is a loss a win?
It was a must-win for USA. Actually, the U.S. Men’s National soccer team just had to tie Germany in order to advance. The battle with Germany was tense for the first half, and a lot of inappropriate World War II jokes were made. But as the game went on, it turned out that even if the U.S. lost by a goal, they still advanced because of another game being played somewhere else. So all the U.S. had to do was not lose by a lot. With competition like that it’s no wonder why we have World Cup fever.

You Missed It: Back to work edition

You can always tell when it's Sweeps Week at C-SPAN.
You can always tell when it’s Sweeps Week at C-SPAN.

When you think about it, Columbus Day is pretty strange. Let’s leave out that Christopher Columbus may not have been the first European to set foot in the New World. We can even leave out that he really just found the Caribbean, and that the indigenous people gave syphilis to Europe. Let’s also leave out that the holiday was once the Italian equivalent of St. Patrick’s Day. Does anyone really have that day off? Does anyone know how we’re supposed to celebrate it? If you were busy getting ready for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone starring in the same movie this week, odds are you missed it.

What would Jesus defund?
Just hours before the U.S. was going to default on its loans for the first time in modern times, Congress decided it might be a good idea to fund the government and raise the debt ceiling, regardless of what they think about ensuring the health of the citizenry. Just after the vote in the House, where all the problems came from, a stenographer decided it was a good idea to rant into the microphone about Jesus versus the evil Freemasons. This is what happens when people work without pay for more than two weeks.

Destiny misses
Scientists announced this week that life on Earth almost ended in September and we didn’t even know it. Apparently, a big asteroid passed our favorite planet relatively closely, and the people who are supposed to be watching the skies for these kinds of things didn’t even know it existed. The good news is that the asteroid will be back in 2032, and scientists say it as a 1:63,000 chance to hitting us. So you may not want to wait on that bucket list.

‘Transformers: What Did the Five Fingers Say to the Face?’
Director Michael Bay, fresh off his Lone Ranger bomb, is shooting the next movie in the Transformers franchise. One the very first day of shooting, some guys, apparently high on something, harassed the crew, and eventually one tried to slap Bay, who ducked out of the way. Naturally, the incident was caught in slow-motion as a camera whipped around the pair a full 360 degrees. And buildings exploded.

There’s a new neighbor in space’s cul-de-sac

Alpha Centauri. It’s a galaxy that space nerds named. We don’t exactly know where it is or how many smelly French people live in it, but we do know it exists.

As of this week, we also know that there is a planet in it. SPACE SCIENCE!

As it is, this is pretty big news, discovery-wise, but science fiction nerds around the internet are blowing their lids. Why? Because Alpha Centauri is a fairly significant universe when it comes to science fiction, whether it’s giant transforming robots or a galactic federation composed of pointy-eared people with crew cuts.

Now, does the newly discovered planet, known as eso1241 (real creative, science), actually have any life? Who knows, but if so, I’m sure we’ll be able to subjugate it.

Take it from Snee: Pros and cons of surviving 2011

Whenever I approach a new year, I like to take stock of what I survived. I like to think of myself less as a time traveler stuck in forward linear motion at an uninterruptible rate and more of a time warrior, cleaning out the runners of my time sword as I prepare to skewer another year.

So, here’s an entirely subjective list of what went right and wrong in 2011 before greeting Bolon Yokte as an old friend at midnight, Jan. 1. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Pros and cons of surviving 2011

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Transformers: Dark of the Moon’

This is it, the big summer blockbuster for 2011: Transformers: Dark of the Moon. We’ve seen how I felt about Transformers and how I felt about Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (here’s a hint for the latter: my opinion has not changed for the better since first seeing it). So, is this one any good? Did it out-Bay Michael Bay himself? DOES SHIA LEBOUF GROW FACIAL HAIR?

Well, I’d tell you, but you’ll have click the jump to find out. What can I say, I like a good cliffhanger. Oh, there might be some spoilers here and there, but I’ll try to keep them minimal. Just a warning if I slip up. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Transformers: Dark of the Moon’