There was a shooting in my town earlier this week. Perhaps you heard about it. The good news is that only the attacker was killed. What I love about it is that you have a group of lawmakers who were attacked, who break down in tears during interviews about the attack, and the big lesson they all draw from it is, “We need security detail.” I don’t think there will ever be a better example of the self-interest of Congress than that. If you were busy heading to see a friend in North Korea this week, odds are you missed it.
‘Transformers: The Ides of March’
This weekend, Transformers: The Fifth Film in the Series hits theaters. Critics have answered with a resounding, “Why does this exist?” but the real news is that spin-off movies are planned. Executives are reportedly considering prequel films involving Transformers in ancient Rome. This would be great, because who doesn’t want to watch a movie about robots wearing togas that transform into chariots?
The Sessions session
Attorney General Jeff Sessions visited his old friends in the Senate this week to testify under oath. Sessions claimed a faulty memory throughout much of the questioning about ties to Russia, and said he thought he was going to talk about his favorite monuments being torn down.
Paris after dark
Two teenage boys were rescued after spending three days lost in the Catacombs of Paris, which is a series of tunnels under the city that contain the stacked bones of over six million people. The boys said it was a creepy experience, and say they ran into at least a dozen death metal bands while they were down there.
We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.
At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.
Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.
In case you’re not sick of him already Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2014 edition
Why do we allow these things to keep happening to us? When are we going to stand up and say we’ve had enough of this abuse. I’m speaking, of course, about the newest Transformers movie.
It was back in 2006 when I first heard about Michael Bay working on a live-action movie about alien robots that change into vehicles to hide in plain sight. It was one of my favorite shows as a kid, but as the basis for a movie, it just sounds terrible. Yet it worked for the most part.
Did you miss me? I didn’t miss you. It’s not anything against all of you fine readers of discerning taste, it’s that while I was gone, I was on a tropical beach drinking rum for roughly 168 hours straight. During that time, I wasn’t really thinking, “Man, I sure wish writing snarky stuff about current events!” But my trip had to end, and so here we are again. This still beats working on a Friday afternoon. If you were busy threatening a movie this week, odds are you missed it.
Great, now all three branches are involved
House Speaker John Boehner made headlines this week when he announced plans to sue President Barack Obama for overstepping the bounds of executive power. Boehner, who in no way looks like Robert Wagner, insisted that the move is not simply an election-year stunt, and said that should the lawsuit fail, he will file it again another 50 times.
We’ve all been fight-a-homeless-guy drunk
Actor Shia LaBeouf drunkenly disturbed a performance of a performance of “Cabaret” by spitting into the air and generally being a jerk, according to witnesses. He tussled with a security guard who escorting him out after LaBeouf fell down on his own. Outside, he apparently fought with a homeless man before getting arrested. Man, viral marketing for the new Transformers movie has stepped it up.
When is a loss a win?
It was a must-win for USA. Actually, the U.S. Men’s National soccer team just had to tie Germany in order to advance. The battle with Germany was tense for the first half, and a lot of inappropriate World War II jokes were made. But as the game went on, it turned out that even if the U.S. lost by a goal, they still advanced because of another game being played somewhere else. So all the U.S. had to do was not lose by a lot. With competition like that it’s no wonder why we have World Cup fever.
When you think about it, Columbus Day is pretty strange. Let’s leave out that Christopher Columbus may not have been the first European to set foot in the New World. We can even leave out that he really just found the Caribbean, and that the indigenous people gave syphilis to Europe. Let’s also leave out that the holiday was once the Italian equivalent of St. Patrick’s Day. Does anyone really have that day off? Does anyone know how we’re supposed to celebrate it? If you were busy getting ready for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone starring in the same movie this week, odds are you missed it.
What would Jesus defund?
Just hours before the U.S. was going to default on its loans for the first time in modern times, Congress decided it might be a good idea to fund the government and raise the debt ceiling, regardless of what they think about ensuring the health of the citizenry. Just after the vote in the House, where all the problems came from, a stenographer decided it was a good idea to rant into the microphone about Jesus versus the evil Freemasons. This is what happens when people work without pay for more than two weeks.
Scientists announced this week that life on Earth almost ended in September and we didn’t even know it. Apparently, a big asteroid passed our favorite planet relatively closely, and the people who are supposed to be watching the skies for these kinds of things didn’t even know it existed. The good news is that the asteroid will be back in 2032, and scientists say it as a 1:63,000 chance to hitting us. So you may not want to wait on that bucket list.
‘Transformers: What Did the Five Fingers Say to the Face?’
Director Michael Bay, fresh off his Lone Ranger bomb, is shooting the next movie in the Transformers franchise. One the very first day of shooting, some guys, apparently high on something, harassed the crew, and eventually one tried to slap Bay, who ducked out of the way. Naturally, the incident was caught in slow-motion as a camera whipped around the pair a full 360 degrees. And buildings exploded.
As it is, this is pretty big news, discovery-wise, but science fiction nerds around the internet are blowing their lids. Why? Because Alpha Centauri is a fairly significant universe when it comes to science fiction, whether it’s giant transforming robots or a galactic federation composed of pointy-eared people with crew cuts.
Now, does the newly discovered planet, known as eso1241 (real creative, science), actually have any life? Who knows, but if so, I’m sure we’ll be able to subjugate it.
Whenever I approach a new year, I like to take stock of what I survived. I like to think of myself less as a time traveler stuck in forward linear motion at an uninterruptible rate and more of a time warrior, cleaning out the runners of my time sword as I prepare to skewer another year.
Just when we think we can walk away from what will be the loudest, most Michael Bayingest train wreck ever, he throws the careers of two Academy Award-winners into the dining car. Now we have to watch.