Gay marriage advocates become their parents has collected more than 5000 online signatures to petition Sesame Street to marry off long-time eligible bachelors Bert and Ernie.* The armchair activists believe that showing children a partnership fraught with fights and bubble baths could teach them that it’s OK to be gay … just so long as you do it right and get married.

The common law marriage will hopefully put an end to questions about the two Muppets’ sexual orientation, just like the Bachmanns.’

*If the two aren’t married, the petitioners would be happy if Sesame Street introduces a transgender character, a void which has already been filled by Oscar’s hermaphroditic earthworm friend, Slimey.

Unbearably perverse news from Nippon

If you thought this would be a slow news week, hold on to your butts, animal warriors.

Japan, which has had her share of animal menaces — from giant wasps to Gojira! — faces her worst threat yet.

One Tsuyoshi P. Bear was brought to the municipal zoo in the city of Kushiro in Hokkaido for one purpose only: to make sweet, sweet love to their female bear, Kurumi, so she could have puppies or something. (We’re not veterinarians.)

The only problem? Tsuyoshi is a Tsuyoko!

He’s a she. “Ko” is the traditional ending of a Japanese girl’s name. That joke kills in Japan. Just … whatever.

So, we have two female polar bears that are gay-married, destroying the sanctity of Japanese marriage. This is, clearly, the worst thing that has ever happened to the tiny island nation.

In related news, at least now we know why the polar bears are going extinct. Sarah Palin, Ted Stevens and ExxonMobil are off the hook.