You Missed It: Walking is out edition

It’s here. Fall. Yes, it is in fact official. Some people love it, they say that they enjoy the milder temperatures and the bright, beautiful colors the leaves turn as the winter goes on. These people, of course, are Alzheimer’s patients. They forget the constant rains, the leaf raking, and oh yeah, and the sense of doom because WINTER is just a few months away. If you were busy denying the Holocaust this week, odds are you missed it.

We’re going to have to re-think cities!
On the heels of the Segway and that weird thing that GM and Segway made, Honda has released a new mode of personal transportation. And no, it’s not on the back of one of those robot things. It’s a unicycle type thing with the catchy name U3-X. Just hop on and guide it whereever you want. In other news, a barstool that drives you home might be the greatest investion ever.

Well, there go all the drug jokes
Actress Mackenzie Phillips shocked the world this week in an interview with Oprah when she admitted to having sex with her rock star father John Phillips for 10 years–while she was married. In other news, the Mamas and the Papas just takes on a weirder name now, doesn’t it?

Better late than never
As of this week, iPhone users will be able to send Media Messaging Service (MMS) messages. You may know these things as picture messages, video messages and sound bite messages. Welcome to 2004, iWhores, we’ve been waiting to show you this picture we took of this dude who was passed out drunk in a chair with market all over his face.

Rest assured: OSU grads are on the case

NBC’s Brian Williams, who took yet more time off from not reporting real news, delivered a commencement address to Ohio State University in Columbus graduates. He used his podium time to give college students a job: fixing the United States.

Williams claimed that “there is nothing wrong with America that someone from Ohio State can’t fix.” He then laid out the main areas of focus: “energy, politics, diplomacy, science, education, military, transportation,” and climate.

Williams set them loose with a “Go get ’em, OH!” (The graduates, in fact, remained seated until their hangovers cleared up.)  At this very moment, all of these problems will now be addressed by countless OSU graduates with degrees in Communications, Marketing and Literature.

“Well, it gives me something to do while I look for a real job over the next year,” said Artie Muskegee, a graduating OSU Music Therapy student.