We’re back here again, in a news comedy column, avoiding talking about something horrible that happened a few days ago. It’s Friday, and we’ve had plenty of time to overload ourselves, so I won’t bum you out. I’ll just say that we need to make changes happen now, and I’ll move along to the funny stuff. If you were busy calling your boss a moron this week, odds are you missed it.
The final away message
AOL announced this week that it is shutting down its instant messenger service once and for all in December. Your parents were reportedly very upset by this announcement.
The woke yogurt
This week, yogurt company Oikos dropped Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton from its ad campaign after he made sexist remarks about a woman asking him questions during a news conference. To show how sorry he was, and how mature he has become from this learning experience, in an apology video he promised to never laugh when a female reporter says “route,” “balls,” or “slot.”
The tomb of Santa Claus
Archaeologists this week announced that they believe they have found the tomb of Saint Nicolas in Turkey. They say his remains are likely in a church, and have further work to do to confirm it. So there you have it, kids: Santa Claus is real, he’s just dead. Sleep tight!
On May 16, local police reported that Turkish security officers charged at and started beating the pacifism out of protesters outside of their embassy in Washington, D.C. Nobody is claiming that didn’t happen because the whole thing was caught on video.
But, the Turkish government has taken umbrage with the “aggressive” way our security and local police forces got in the way of Turkey’s beatdown — a perfectly normal expression by the Erdogan government back home.
Apparently, that’s where their free speech ends — right behind fists thrown by dudes in Oakleys. Tomato, domates, are we right?
The weather is warming up again, which means that animals are renewing their assault on Wal-Marts across the country. Yeah,rememberthat?
In Wisconsin, an 88-year-old Wal-Mart greeter has lost his job all because of a wild turkey, and not the drinking kind. According to reports, Bob Tallinger has been a greeter for eight years, and he just watched as a turkey sauntered through the door of his Wal-Mart. He probably even said hello, because that’s his job. But management didn’t like how he didn’t try to shoo the turkey out, or notify someone to get it out of the store. So the bigwigs let him go.
Now this elderly man is out of a job, probably forced to spend time with the woman he’s been married to for 50 years. And it’s all because of a stupid turkey.
Last week my wife and I hosted Thanksgiving dinner for the first time ever. Technically, that makes us grownups. The thing is, I don’t think you ever really feel like an adult, you just do things you want or have to do, and without realizing it you make yourself into a decent member of society. A great example is the turkey I cooked. I had no idea what I was doing. I just googled things on how to thaw, brine and cook a turkey, and sort of did it on my own. It came out great, which means I’m a turkey expert now, only I don’t feel like it. If you were busy being named the National Mall’s first black Santa Claus this week, odds are you missed it.
Operation Rollin’ Thunder
This week, the Food and Drug Administration approved new trials for testing MDMA, the 90s and early 00s party drug better known as ecstasy, to treat veterans with post-traumatic stress disorder. Test subjects so far have reported generally positive results, although they have requested that the Department of Veterans’ Affairs hotline hold music have more EDM in the mix.
Study: Your grandparents were right
A new study has found that the old adage “never go to bed angry” may be good advice after all. Scientists found that subjects were less likely to think back on something negative, like an argument, if they resolved the issue and had a solid night’s sleep. Those who didn’t resolve the issue tended not to sleep as well and were more likely to have memories of the issue associated with anger. The scientists’ wives remain unconvinced.
Secret to long life is breakfast at every meal
The oldest person in the world, Italy’s Emma Morano, celebrated her 117th birthday this week. She attributed her longevity to her diet of biscuits and raw eggs, which she has been eating for 90 years. So if you don’t want to end up like her, avoid those foods.
Despite what the so-called media may report, animals aren’t innocent. In fact, some of them can be real jerks, as a few college kids in California found out.
The “official” story is that some college kids stole a turkey from a local high school and later returned it, missing some feathers and reeking of beer. But we know better. In Orange County, Tim the turkey somehow convinced three college students to let him out of his pen and take him on a wild ride. He likely plied the boy with alcohol, and got them in to trouble, as only turkeys can.
Of course, the kids were arrested, and the turkey was simply returned to its pen. Welcome to Obama’s America.
President Abraham Lincoln set Thanksgiving as an annual holiday back in 1863. He did it to inspire patriotism and keep more states from seceding. But instead we remember the Pilgrims, who were such tight-asses that even the super-religious England didn’t want them around anymore, and their first feast with Native Americans in what is now Plymouth, Mass.
While it’s true we’re off this week, please allow these real negative reviews of Plymouth Rock to tide you over. Makes you wonder why the Pilgrims bothered going there at all.
It’s election season in Turkey, which means it’s time to accuse the sitting president of sitting on gold toilet seats. This comes as part of a list of lavish items that presidential rival, Kemal Kilicdaroglu of the Republican People’s Party (CHP), has accused Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan of installing in his new 1,000 room presidential palace.
President Erdogan wins for the best response to the allegation, saying that he will resign immediately if Kilicdaroglu can find just one golden toilet seat in the palace. Folks, there aren’t a lot of ways to make your political opponent bite-test every toilet seat in your house. Congratulations, Mr. Turkish President.
According to the country’s Directorate of Religious Affairs, which is kind of the head of Islam there, it’s acceptable to use toilet paper for “cleaning,” provided that there is no water available to do the job. This is a big deal, because apparently there’s no consensus in the Muslim world on toilet paper.
When you stop and think about it, toilet paper is kind of the Imperial measurement system of butt-wiping. We know that Europe is all about the bidet, as apparently are most predominantly-Muslim countries. We should probably throw Asia in there, and the Aussies always go as the Brits do. Following that line of logic around the world, it’s basically just developing nations and us keeping the toilet paper industry alive.
Stick with us, people. We’ve had a bit of the telephone game getting this information in, but from what we’ve heard via our sources, Turkey is no longer in love with Julianne Moore. Reportedly, the Academy Award-winning actress is rumored to be only a ‘pretend actress.’ Turkey paid her to be in a film, but found her acting to be poor.
Yes, the story is a bit confusing and more than a little unusual, but we’re pretty sure you can take away that Julianne Moore prefers ham or roast beef in her sub sandwiches.