Turkish authorities mounted a daring rescue, but it was too late: a blow-up doll had committed suicide by jumping into Black Sea. With no identification or known family, she was buried unceremoniously in a trash can in accordance with what may very well have been her final wishes.
This isn’t the first time it’s happened, either. Rescue workers in China recovered another doll back in July. We may never know what’s causing inflato sapiens to take their own lives. All we do know is that life is short, and when love comes your way, keep your nails trimmed.
Not satisfied with letting Newt Gingrich offend the entire African-American community here in the U.S., Texas Gov. Rick Perry set his sites higher and offended an entire country.
Perhaps considering its own run in the Republican presidential primary, Turkey condemned attacks by Gov. Perry at the recent South Carolina GOP debate. He accused the country of “being ruled by what many would perceive to be Islamic terrorists,” and suggested the best way to remedy that is to cut off their foreign aid.
It should be noted that foreign aid to Turkey was originally part of the Marshall Plan to repair their post-World War II economy and stop the spread of communism, which should prompt Republican voters to ask why Perry is soft on communism.
Hey there reader. Did you have a happy Thanksgiving? We sure hope so. It’s a delicious time of the year where people get to celebrate family and give thanks by feasting upon our animal enemies. Frankly, I find the holiday to be wonderful. But it wasn’t wonderful for everyone this year.
At an Eat’n’Park in Penn Hills, Pennsylvania, chaos disturbed the tranquility enjoyed on Thanksgiving. Near midday afternoon, unprovoked, unwarranted and potentially suicidal, a turkey burst through the window of the restaurant, shattering glass and sending the shards across the carpets and booths near and far. The bird was not thrown. This was upon its own volition.
Animals, do not think that this act of rebellion will be forgotten. While we’re very thankful that no one was in the restaurant at the time of terrorism, forgiveness will not come easy. We will remain ever vigilant, and if a pig decides to break into a restaurant on Christmas Day, it better not be one that has an oven and pineapple juice.
New Jersey Nets star (which may be the greatest euphemism in sports history) Deron Williams has found a silver lining to the NBA lockout cloud: he will be taking his talent to Turkey.
His European season with the Besiktas will begin in September and end whenever either (a) the lockout is ended or (b) he looks around and realizes the league is jive.
“Turkish singer sets blind speed record in Ferrari.” That’s the headline. Just a few questions on this:
- They keep track of this stuff?
- But can he do that while texting?
- If he was unaccompanied, how does he know how fast he was going?
- Who did he beat, Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman?
When you shot and killed your turkey this Thanksgiving, did you really end up using the whole bird? If you’re like The Guys, you kept the head as a trophy, put the gizzard in formaldehyde until you can figure what the hell it’s for, and used the feathers to fluff up that pillow that’s been bothering you. Then you made a xylophone with its bones.
When we kill animals, especially when we do it legally, we find uses for all the parts of the animal we offed. Luckily, corporations are catching on to this trend, too. Companies these days are all about finding ways to sell the parts of the beasts that we don’t like to eat or clothe ourselves with. They’re all about turning the fat into soap, making diesel fuel, they’re even going all soilent green and putting real chickens in the chicken feed.
We here at SG just want to encourage all of you to do the same. Remember, if you kill enough squirrels, you can make a homeless man a coat that could save his life.
There are certain traditions every U.S. president must observe.
Every year, they have to pardon a turkey from Thanksgiving, while everyone the turkey loves gets a duck and a chicken stuffed inside of them.
They have to give a State of the Union Address, even though they are only constiutionally required to write it down. (Kinda like people who read their blogs to you.)
They have to pardon Richard Nixon at the end of their term. (Gerald Ford started that one.)
And, of course, they have to restart Mideast peace talks.
I heard you missed us, we’re back, ladies and gentlemen.
We take you now to Turkey, where we may have just found the first victims of reality television show fraud, not counting all those hidden camera shows. Nine women were lured into a house after being tricked into believing they were on “Big Brother.”
They weren’t. And that became clear when police freed the women, whose every action was being filmed and streamed online. In our opinion, more reality shows need to be punished in this way.
There’s always some out there trying to cash in on someone else. In 2007, Transformers saw Transmorphers. Snakes on a Plane saw Snakes on a Train. However, sometimes it’s not so much a something as it’s a someone. Such as:
The mayor of Batman, Turkey is suing Christopher Nolan for improper use of the name Batman.
Seriously. Why so?
“Until the 1950s, Batman was a small village.”
We’ve long overlooked the turkey in the War on Animals. We serve their legs at Renn Faires, grind them up for low-fat meatballs and even tease them with one Presidential pardon a year for Thanksgiving.
It is our complacency that has led turkeys to embrace terrorist tactics. Unable to fight with us directly, they have resorted to the first of what may be many suicide attacks on government buildings. In their first attack, one flew into the window of a Lubbock county courthouse.
If we can pardon them, then we can try them in military tribunals. We recommend bringing General Butterball — and possibly Colonel Sanders in the event of a chicken insurgency — to the Pentagon immediately.