Wild turkeys take over college campus

There is an ongoing hostage situation in Eugene, Oregon, and unfortunately young people are among those being held hostage. The suspects: wild turkeys.

The campus of Lane Community College has been swamped by wild turkeys that don’t appear to be afraid of humans. The flightless birds are harassing people who get too close, and there are reports of turkey poop covering the campus. A city council member referred to the turkeys as “gangsters.”

If the turkeys refuse to leave a college campus even though no one wants them there, we suspect a better term for them is “alt-right free speech advocates.”

Wild Turkey(s)

Tired of seeing their bretheren slain for us giving thanks, the turkeys have started fighting back. Don’t let the dull eyes and sumptious breasts fool you, these dangerous beasts are out for blood.

In Wisconsin these demon birds are attacking postal workers on their daily routes. Our nations’ mail carriers were supplied with water pistols to fend off the feathered freaks, but apparently they are adapting.

Save a postal worker, kill a turkey.