In news that should make you very, very afraid to ride a train, Ukranian customs revealed 250 tortoises that were trying to be smuggled across the border.
No, they weren’t mutants. No, they were not classically trained ninjas. But they could have been. Now you tell us how we’re supposed to combat the forces of 250 ####ing giant turtle ninjas?
There is never any news quite as good as when another species goes extinct. Obviously, it means we are that much closer to victory in the War on Animals, but when we find what we thought were dead species alive and well, we are not doing our jobs well enough.
Researchers have found a giant turtle in Vietnam that had not been seen in years, leading many to think it was extinct. The turtle is indeed still alive, and scientists think there could be more of them left, too. Is there no war we can win in that country?
What’s even worse, the Discovery Channel, which owns the Al Jazeera-like Animal Planet, reported recently that some pygmy elephants from Borneo have been found alive. People, we thought we killed these bastards off in the 18th century.
This is a call to arms. We need to make sure we kill off these creatures before they undo all the work we and our forefathers did. Let us finish the job.
