Darwin Award round-up

The Darwin Awards are a great and noble honor that are bequeathed unto only the most special of people in our society. And by special, I don’t mean “that kid is awesome,” I mean “that guy that used a traffic cone for a beer bong and the guys holding the bong are so stupid.” As such, sometimes it’s important to point out the people in life that should probably be nominated. Let’s take a long at some, shall we?

-A sixteen year old has decided that the best thing to do to herself, at an age where body and aesthetics are everything, is to give herself a pair of fangs akin to those found on some of the people in Twilight.

A Texas man nearly died choking on a plastic salad fork. As such, he’s stated that he will never eat healthy food again.

-A collection of teenagers in California have become severely ill after ingesting a wild plant in the hopes of getting high off of it. Who would’ve thought that a random wild plant could possibly be fatal to a human being?

Nightstalkers are jaywalkers

It’s obvious that vampires are en vogue lately, thanks to Twilight and True Blood and the like. But in the midst of all this, we are forgetting the real issue here: vampires don’t actually like us very much.

In Colorado, a woman told police that she ended up in a ditch when she saw a vampire on the dirt road she was on that night. It was blocking her path, so the began backing up, but that did not end so well. The cops don’t think that alcohol or drugs contributed to the crash, so that means they’re real.

Robert Pattinson: gayer than we thought

Look, we all knew that Twilight star Robert Pattinson was a little less than manly when he dawned the silver screen with sparkly vampire skin. But now, Pattinson is confirming his fall from heterosexuality with an allergy, an allergy to vaginas.

What? You with nose in the book, Team Edward t-shirt, spiriling social life and no sense of reality, you don’t believe me? Read ’em and weep.

You Missed It: I’ve got a wooden stake edition

We are now less than a week away from Thanksgiving, and that means that you probably don’t care about us. You’re more focused on the feast ahead. We hear you. That’s why The Guys will be off until November 30. It’s better this way, there probably won’t be much going on in the news next week, anyway. If you were busy setting a record for longest-serving member of Congress, odds are you missed it.

Nosferatu = sexy
New Moon is out in theaters now, much to the delight of tween girls and cougars alike. The movie features that non-vampire chick with the cute vampire dude defending her from werewolves, and takes place during the day for some reason. (I missed most of the trailer.) So teenage girls are now into pasty guys who don’t get out much? Man, I graduated from high school a decade too early.

Straying from ideals? We don’t take kindly to that in the GOP
Lawmakers in South Carolina are looking into impeachment of Gov. Mark Sanford. For those of you who don’t remember, he’s the guy who went missing on the job and exported a mistress job to Argentina. The reason for the possible impeachment, dereliction of duty, making his staff lie about where he was, and crying during his apology.

Obamacare’s pubic option
This week changes to breast cancer screening and pap test guidelines caused something of an uproar. Lady part doctors and advocacy groups said that women should continue having their hoo-has and goodies checked regularly so their ladies and their nether region don’t get sick. I don’t understand a word of that medical mumbo jumbo.

A rise in night class numbers

Good news, students of Boston Latin School (located in Boston, oddly enough)! Your school does not have vampires roaming the halls, according to your headmaster.

Rumors at the school have persisted that some students at the school are vampires, others are half vampires and some werewolves, too. Yet this has done little to soothe the concerns of parents, who are worried that there is someone out there, lurking in the shadows, ready to harass their sons or daughters without warning.

In response, parents will likely begin sending their kids to school with guns–loaded with silver bullets, of course.

Take it from Snee: Go ahead, make my wish

So, on the drive to work today I heard some shill for the Make a Wish Foundation plugging his product on the Go Fish Radio Network.

(That’s the better morning radio show in Huntsville, AL. Its predecessor was, I kid you not, a show called “Rick and Bubba.” They remixed songs that were popular eight years ago to include annoying southern girls and rooster calls. They were rejected from Huntsville like a microwaved baboon heart transplant.)

You’re probably thinking, “Oh god, you hate the Make a Wish Foundation?”

Short answer: yes.

Long answer: it’s a misguided program that supports the wrong client√®le at the expense of donors. (Long answer continues after the jump.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Go ahead, make my wish

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)

So we just got through an election and the first half of Thanksgristmas, and that means I had to listen to a lot of stupid. This is the third time we’ve gone through this, so I shouldn’t have to explain it to you.

And if you’re new here, welcome and try not to get your ass in my foot’s way. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)

Take it from Snee: Vampires are totally real

Look, if you bring up Twilight to some of The Guys, they’ll all *pfft* and follow that up with a terse “whatevah.” (I know: we can be so mean.)

However, I can no longer remain silent. You see, young teenage girls who aren’t my wife, I’m … different. I’ve rejected all the limited, childish behaviors of my food-eating peers. I’ve seen dark things, terrible things. I’ve sipped immortality on gossamer wings wearing platform Doc Martins.

I guess what I’m trying to say … what I’m trying to tell you … but, what if you don’t like me? My kind is so lonely that I would give anything to spend all my time hanging out with a nice, less popular girl who likes art. We could talk about your hair.

Enough, my heart is tormented in a bleak darkness that I will no longer bear: I am a vampire. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Vampires are totally real