Richard Spencer, the alt-right leader who probably only watches the first half of American History X, got punched in the face at an anti-fascist protest last week. This set off a debate over whether it is OK to hit a Nazi. But that’s not really the important question. To me, it’s like videos were guys get hit in the nuts. I believe that guys have a right not to get hit in the nuts, but that doesn’t mean I don’t laugh or watch it on repeat when it happens. If you were busy winning the AFC championship this week, odds are you missed it.
Going off the path
The Trump administration banned huge swaths of the federal government from sharing scientific data this week. This lead to the Badlands National Park’s Twitter account to go rogue, tweeting out scientific facts that support that climate change is real and humans are the leading cause of it. We should have known that the rebellion would start with those rugged, high-socked trail guides who know how to live off the land.
Say, what’s science up to?
It was announced this week that scientists successfully grew pig embryos that contained human stem cells. You fools, now we’re just a step away from creating ManBearPig!
The horror, the horror
Francis Ford Coppola announced this week that he was launching a Kickstarter campaign to create a video game based on his classic Apocalypse Now. For this one, I’m going to go lightning round. Ready? I wanted a video game, and for my sins the gave me one. In one level you are forced to choose between surfing and fighting. You understand, the game does not exist, it will never exist. In the virtual reality versions of the game, you will be able to smell napalm, morning, noon or night.
Sean Spicer is now the White House press secretary. You may have seen him yelling at journalists about the size of the president’s genitals recently. We know Spicer hates people who are paid to ethically report things that happen in real life, but he really hates Dippin’ Dots.
For most of this decade, Spicer has waged a one-man war on the self-proclaimed “ice cream of the future.” He first tweeted a broadside at Dippin’ Dots in April 2010, claiming that it is “NOT the ice cream of the future.” He didn’t forget it. Spicer tweeted a similar remark in September 2011, and then in November 2011 cheered and linked to a Wall Street Journal article about Dippin’ Dots filing for bankruptcy protection. Did Dippin’ Dots kill a member of his family or something?
Not one to let an old grudge go, in September 2015 he tweeted at a Washington Nationals game that “If Dippin [sic] Dots was truly the ice cream of the future they would not have run out of vanilla.” Which means that even though he hates the treat, he still went to order it and got turned away, which reminded him of how much he hates it. The man has a complicated relationship with this food.
We understand that ice cream is a serious matter. And running out of your favorite flavor can feel like a national emergency! We’ve seen your tweets and would like to be friends rather than foes. After all, we believe in connecting the dots.
Part of The Guys’ preparation for President-elect Trump’s inauguration this week is to cancel our newspaper subscriptions. Why pay for a service that the next president won’t talk to when we can read his deepest, most planned out thoughts for free on Twitter? It’s the very least that we, his soon-to-be constituents can do since he doesn’t even like tweeting, you guys.
According to his own words (if they can be trusted) during a Fox News interview with Ainsley Earhardt on Wednesday, Trump has to call out Alec Baldwin, SNL, his replacement on The Apprentice, our free press and our Intelligence Community on Twitter, starting at sometimes the crack of dawn through late at night, because he has no choice! This is a service he provides for you, citizen — so start appreciating it with likes, retweets and #followbacks!
Oh, and also because nobody will quote him without distorting it with cheap media tricks like adding context or republishing his words verbatim:
‘Look, I don’t like tweeting. I have other things I could be doing,’ Trump told Earhardt. ‘But I get very dishonest media, very dishonest press, and it’s my only way that I can get out and correct.’
… he said to Fox News. Looks like even a corrupt clock with tiny hands can be right at least once a day.
I accidentally sat next to a bag of drugs on the train home yesterday. For a couple stops, I was sitting in a row with someone next to me, then I noticed a woman get up and get off the train, leaving her row empty. I moved over and noticed a shopping bag with some containers and a couple pill bottles. Oh no, someone left their medication on the train! I picked up a bottle to find the owner’s name and contact information, except there was no label — same thing with the other bottle. They contained pills and powder. What if I just stumbled into a drug deal dead drop? I thought about taking the bag and selling the drugs, but as a suburban 30-something parent, I don’t exactly have the connections to move product like that. So I left it there. Someone’s big weekend plans are definitely ruined. If you were busy giving your buddy the Presidential Medal of Freedom this week, odds are you missed it.
Going for gold
This week, CNN and BuzzFeed reported that President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump had been briefed on a series of unverified memos from a former British spy claiming that the Russians were trying to get dirt on Trump to use as leverage against him. One of the leaked documents said Russian spies had recorded Trump getting a golden shower from some prostitutes while in Moscow. Of course Trump likes golden showers. Have you seen his mansions? Golden everything!
Bots tweet about droids
Computer scientists stumbled across a large botnet of Star Wars-related Twitter accounts, it was reported this week. The researchers were taking a sample of Twitter accounts, when they realized they’d come across over 350,000 automated accounts all tweeting random quotes from Star Wars novels. The bots were created a few years ago, and stopped tweeting months after that. They were probably upset that they were no longer canon.
Gone to that big theme park in the sky
SeaWorld held its final killer whale show on Sunday, marking the end of an era. The final show came just couple days after Tillikum, the killer whale in Blackfish, had died. SeaWorld’s really serious about retiring these whales, aren’t they?
Monday’s presidential debate had millions of viewers. Everyone wanted to see the prize fight, and TV stations couldn’t wait to get viewers and let them express their feedback. But a Washington, D.C. bartender was confused when her phone started blowing up with hot takes on the debate.
After the debate, C-Span invited viewers to share their opinions about the candidates and the debate via Twitter, Facebook and text message. The problem is, they listed the wrong number to text. The number they told people to text was actually owned by Tripp Diaz, who had no idea what was going on. She has received some 13,000 text messages and has 400 missed calls from C-Span viewers looking to put in their two cents about the debate. That bill ought to be fun.
Also, apparently there are still people who watch C-Span.
April Fools’ Day is the most dad-oriented holiday of the year–more so than even Father’s Day. If you really stop and think about it, who are the people who enjoy it the most? Dads, because they get to play pranks on their gullible children. Sure, the annoying guy in your office loves to fill up someone’s cubicle with packing popcorn, and a few people on Facebook think those fake articles news sites post are hilarious. But really, it’s the dads who enjoy it. It’s probably because those little jerks have it coming to them. If you were busy watching March Madness this week, odds are you missed it.
State Department gets too real
This week, the State Department sent out some tweets aimed at keeping college students safe when traveling abroad during spring break. One tweet that took some flak for being insensitive read, “Not a ’10’ in the US? Then not a 10 overseas. Beware of being lured into buying expensive drinks or worse–being robbed.” This tweet is actually good advice. Europeans are generally way hotter than Americans. If you’re not a 10 where you live, move to the Midwest. You’ll be slaying it.
Apparently Trump doesn’t like women
Donald Trump, *sigh* Donald Trump had a rough week, after he said women should be punished somehow if abortion is made illegal, and his chief of staff, Corey Lewandowski, was charged with battery on a female reporter. Worst of all, he said if you’re not a 10, you should absolutely go to Europe because you don’t deserve to live in this great country of ours.
A pardon from President Bartlet
Martin Sheen announced this week that he is working on a new series on Investigation Discovery (which is a channel, apparently) about how O.J. Simpson didn’t kill his wife or her friend. The series will be called “Hard Evidence: O.J. Is Innocent.” I just have one question: Isn’t that what the jury decided 20 years ago?
If there’s an example of the crumbling of our one-great labor unions, it’s the law enforcement unions out there. Cops used to have a pretty good deal going. They got decent pay, they had good insurance and they got to beat people up now and then. They could be as racist as they wanted to be, and if someone called them out on it, they just ignored it and kept on being morally bankrupt, dignity intact. But since the early 1990s, police officers get their feelings hurt if someone writes a mean song about them. Then they pout and complain and ask people to boycott the artist who criticized them. That’s what they’re doing with Beyoncé now because they don’t like that she suggested that police officers shouldn’t shoot unarmed black people. I know there are a lot of great cops out there, and probably most of them aren’t racist. But if you are a racist cop, own it. Don’t act like you’re not, hiding behind your buddies, denying there’s a problem. If you’ve made the choice not to grow as a person anymore, just come out and say it. Don’t whine every time someone says you’re not perfect. If you were busy in a Twitter war with the pope this week, odds are you missed it.
Supreme Court position proves to be death sentence once again
When Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died last weekend, politicians wanted to properly and soberly mourn the man’s passing by immediately telling President Barack Obama what to do. Democrats asked him to nominate a judge immediately, while many Republicans asked him not to nominate anyone. All 73 GOP presidential candidates shared this opinion because they want to nominate someone. Donald Trump said he would nominate his good friend Judge Judy, while Rep. Ted Cruz said he would nominate Judge Lance Ito to support diversity on the bench and because “that FX show is really cool.”
Data-collecting companies now defending privacy
This week, Apple said it would not comply with an FBI request to unlock the iPhones of the San Bernadino shooters, citing privacy concerns, and the fact that the terrorists are still dead. The move was praised by privacy advocates and criticized by those who want to see the investigation completed. In a letter explaining his company’s position, CEO Tim Cook suggested that the FBI instead set the iPhones’ date back to Jan. 1, 1970 and see what happens.
New musical overlords named
The 58th Grammys–or as the kids call them, The Grandmothers–were held on Sunday. Big winners included Taylor Swift, Kendrick Lamar, and the cast of Hamilton. I don’t really have any gags for this one, I just needed an excuse to write gag in the first line.
It’s always perplexed us why people follow certain brands on social media. How exciting are the posts coming in from Goldfish crackers? Are people that obsessed with certain foods that they need to get pointless updates in the Facebook feeds? Apparently so.
A lot of people like following Tony the Tiger on Twitter, nearly 22,000 people, in fact. The cartoon tiger had to take a break from shilling Frosted Flakes to ask his followers to chill out. Because everyone’s been sending him sexual images related to furries. Anthropomorphic sexual images have been filling Tony the Tiger’s Twitter feed, and it’s gotten so bad that the intern assigned to tweet as a cartoon spokesman has had to ask followers to keep it clean. Tony even had to block a bunch of furries.
Many are instead following, and this is true, Chester Cheetah.
There are a lot of social justice warriors out there. That’s not a bad thing most of the time. Although we all have those friends who seem to hop on Facebook hourly to express their righteous rage about some sort of pop controversy, and connect it to their own cause. What we really need these days are social media justice warriors.
I’m not talking about social media “gurus” or “ninjas” or whatever those step-above-interns are calling themselves these days. I’m saying we need to call out the people we follow on social media when they post something dumb or pointless.
OK, so they only hacked CENTCOM’s Twitter and YouTube accounts. But, we cannot stress how serious this is. CENTCOM is responsible for all active military actions in the Middle East, North Africa, and Central Asia, most notably Afghanistan and Iraq. And we know that because of CENTCOM’s Wikipedia page … unless that’s been hacked, too!