Tag: twitter

Freedom chickens come home to roost

It took over eight years, but France has finally gotten back at certain Americans’ slights in the build-up to the Iraq War. The French Superior Audiovisual Council (CSA) has banned the terms “Facebook” and “Twitter” from their radio and television broadcasts, except when listed as a source of specific information when their journalists investigate stories as lazily as ours do.

One of CSA’s board members, Christine Kelly, explained their decision:

“Why give preference to Facebook, which is worth billions of dollars, when there are many other social networks that are struggling for recognition? This would be a distortion of competition. If we allow Facebook and Twitter to be cited on air, it’s opening a Pandora’s Box – other social networks will complain to us saying, ‘why not us?'”

Unfortunately, her quote has inadvertently raised the stock of Pandora Radio, where you can listen to free Internet radio, find new music and participate in the Music Genome Project. Ms. Kelly never intended for you to know that it’s a new kind of radio–stations that only play music you like. And she certainly never meant to send you to Pandora.com today!

What’s the appeal of long-distance girlfriends, again?

If you’ve been trying to start a business that’s so sad that it’s genius, then we’re sorry to tell you that “fake Internet girlfriend agency” has already been taken.

If you don’t immediately find the appeal in paying a service to reply to your tweets and post messages on your Facebook wall, let Cloud Girlfriend company co-founder David Fuhriman assure you that:

1. The person behind the fake account is an actual woman with possibly functioning woman parts.

2. There is absolutely no possibility of nude photos or porn.

3. It’s “just like having a real long-distance girlfriend,” only “without the hassles.”

So, if you think about it, it’s like paying for a prostitute without the hassle of STDs. Or like going to a strip club, minus the hassle of seeing some rude titties. Or like having friends, but without the hassle of introducing your fake girlfriend to them.

We’d buy that for a dollar

Detroit has, for some years, struggled with it’s image … Alright, who are we kidding here? Detroit sucks.

The most iconic things to come out of it since Motown are Eminem, Kid Rock, the Lions, Home Improvement and Chrysler. The only way that list could include more failure is if a Detroit-based medical lab accidentally developed AIDS while working on a cancer cure. (For the CIA, of course.)

And there’s been no movement to fix that–not until a recent Internet poll by Mayor Dave Bing. Unfortunately, Mayor Bing has rejected your suggestion to erect a statue to Robocop.

[Special thanks to Matt Staggs.]

Inter-Web solves all conservative problems!

The Internet is like the universe: nobody has seen the whole thing, and anyone claiming to know exactly what’s out there is trying to sell you something.

So, when it was announced that political conservatives were starting their own “Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr,” we knew this would be a hoot.

Ricochet (not to be confused with the chain of gay rod and gun clubs) will become an online home for conservatives by conservatives like Peter Robinson, who believes the “left outweighs the right-wing in cyberspace.”

We’re not sure exactly how anybody measures that sort of statement, considering that people of all political stripes use (or are at least invited to use) Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr, each of which are distinctly different from each other unless you only know them as buzzwords. Or, do they mean it in the Fox News-sense where  it’s not fair to conservatives if there is any liberal involvement whatsoever?

(Special thanks to Alexis for the story.)

More dramatic internet news of the day

In our best attempt to make it onto the NSA’s watch-list: THE PRESIDENT’S TWITTER WAS HACKED.

No, really-and it was done by a Frenchman of all people. A FRENCHMAN. That’s the equivalent to two slaps into our face while spitting in our mashed potatoes. Oh sure, some people might want to talk about other government related issues, but here on the internet, we only care about one thing: the 140 characters that Obama will use to wipe out France.

Keep your friends list close, your blocked list even closer

Have you ever wondered what a “social media guru” or “expert” does? As far as we can tell, they follow random people on Twitter and post links to buzzspeak essays by other (presumably) unemployed “SEO managers.”

Or … they could be The Fuzz!

Police, FBI, Secret Service and even the IRS are infiltrating the MySpace, Facebook and–in extreme cases–the Friendster to find the goods on you. To bypass your security settings, they’re setting up undercover identities, asking to become part of your online menagerie of familiar screen names.

Once they’re in, you’ll probably forget all about them, like that guy you met that one time at that place with the shots served in test tubes. (Quickest abortion turnaround time, yet!) And then they watch for any pictures of illegal activity or status changes that conflict with your alibis.

So, next time you get a friend request, ask them, “Are you a cop?” If they say no, then they’re probably lying because they’re undercover, so you should destroy your computer.

That’s it, I’m not following you anymore

If you’re like us, you hate the Internet. Wait, come back! We mean we hate most of the Internet and what it has done to things like our grammar, spelling and forms of communication.

According to an English study, it’s only getting worse. Of 2,000 people surveyed, about a third said they used social networking, email and so on to end their relationship. We can only assume this means to break up with someone, not as a means of doing something that will make your partner leave you.

The worst part is that some people broke up with their boyfriend or girlfriend on Twitter. Yes, they tweeted the dumping. Worst. Retweet. Ever.

Number 16 has nice hashtags

Are you single? Do you want to find that special somebody in 140 characters or less? Then flittering may be the way for someone to finally retweet you every now and then.

In Canada, singles were invited to flirt via Twitter. Yes, they all had to be in the same room, but they didn’t actually have to talk to each other, which you know, isn’t really important in a relationship anyway. Everyone wore a number and watched their cell phones for tweets that might be in reference to them.

Unsurprisingly, the events organizer claims that flittering makes it easier for shy people to meet someone. More importantly, it makes it so shy people never have to overcome their paralyzing fears of interaction with the opposite sex.

The Guys prefer stwittering, stalking people on Facebook.

The McBournie Minute: Bryan McBournie likes this

In the past, I have bashed social media. For all my readers over 35, just go ahead and read “social media” as “that Facebook thing.” I’ve said that social media sucks, well I was wrong. Social media is awesome, well, really only Facebook. All those other things suck, and Twitter is basically on the edge of sucking, too.

I see so many of my friends spend most of their day on Facebook. What they do, I’m not entirely sure, but they sure enjoy doing it. Why is it that I can’t enjoy Facebook the way other people do? I took a while to think about this, and after careful consideration, I know now the reason.

Facebook sucks for me because of you. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Bryan McBournie likes this

You Missed It: Gilbert’s got a gun edition

Hello again, everyone, and welcome to 2010. I’ve been waiting here for you for quite some time. Now that I have thawed my keyboard out in this country-wide cold snap we’re having. I am now prepared to tell you what you missed this year, one week at a time. If you were busy announcing you would not run for re-election, odds are you missed it.

The NRA should take on the NBA
The Washington Wizards’ Gilbert Arenas was suspended by the NBA this week after showing a gun in his locker to a teammate. In what may have been his last game of the season, Arenas gathered the team (the Bullets) in a circle during warm-ups and shot them all with his fingers. NBA Commissioner David Stern did not enjoy the gun show.

The case in favor of sterilization
Tila Tequila, who became “famous” for her MySpace page, and then later for being an attention/ actual whore on reality television shows, might be pregnant, according to her Twitter. Should Tequila actually be pregnant, there is no word yet on how long it will take her to push the child out of her Twitter.

They’ve weaved stranger things into the plot
White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said that President Barack Obama’s State of the Union Address will not pre-empt the season premiere of Lost. He assured the legions of Lost fans that the speech will not happen on Feb. 2, the date the show is scheduled to return. In other news, this is really what our country finds important.