They celebrate Christmas a bit differently in the U.K. For example, they say “Happy Christmas,” which is just silly. They also eat some very different holiday foods. And this year, the big dessert hit is Santa’s Dick.
The creation is a confectionery log sort of thing its creators call a “seasonal twist on Spotted Dick,” which somehow the whole country can say without laughing. The difference is that where Spotted Dick has raisins in it, Santa’s Dick has spiced apples. And you can only find Santa’s Dick at one pub in the U.K. this holiday season.
“I thought there was a hole in the lady’s dessert market that needed filling and I think Santa’s Dick does just that.”
Spiders, despite having one time created a superhero, are awful. They are creepy, they spin nasty webs, and they’re probably plotting against us. But what if scientists gave them the ability to spin super-strong webs?
Wearable smart technology isn’t cool or really even that useful. For example, smart watches are as cool as calculator watches were a couple decades ago. But damned if companies won’t stop trying to hook you: there’s now a fitness tracker for your penis.
Men, have you ever wanted to feel more self-conscious about your performance in bed? The i.Con is here to help! It’s a Bluetooth-enabled ring you put around your junk to track time elapsed, calories burned and pace. Think of it as a Fitbit, only not on your wrist. You can then upload your data to see how you rank among other dumb guys who thought buying this thing was a good idea.
But don’t put it on your Christmas wish list just yet, the i.Con won’t be available until January, and even then only sold in the U.K. The rest of us will just have to track our performance the old-fashioned way, by accepting the lies of our sex partners.
Every summer is the Summer of Something. 1998 was the Summer of Asteroid Movies. The year before that was the Summer of George. Last summer was the Summer of Thinking 2016 is as Bad as It Will Ever Get … which means we had to find a new theme for this year instead of reheating last summer’s leftovers. So, we’re now at least waist-deep into the Summer of Mystery Amputations.
When we see animal attacks on mankind, the incidents tend to be limited to one country, and involve common folk, rather than leaders. Folks, we may be seeing an escalation.
In Austria, a British ambassador escaped an assassination attempt by a wild boar. Leigh Turner, the U.K. ambassador to Austria, was exploring a nature park in Vienna when he came across a group of wild boars. Though he tried to verbally parry his way out of the situation, the beasts would have none of it. One of the boars charged at him.
Luckily, British ambassadors are in shape. Turner was able to climb up a tree before the boar reached him. He sustained minor injuries from his impromptu climb.
It is clear the animals want to cause international incidents to throw us into chaos. We must be vigilant.
Ever wonder why people you haven’t talked to since high school seem so different on Facebook now? If you think those people changed, science says you’re right.
According to a personality study in the U.K., pretty much everyone changes over time. In 1947, researchers conducted personality tests on a bunch of 14-year-olds, grading them on self-confidence, perseverance, stability of moods, conscientiousness, originality, and desire to excel. Then a new team caught up with those same subjects 63 years later and found that basically none of them kept the same levels of those six traits as they did all those years ago.
Science just suggested that Batman wouldn’t be Batman because he would have gotten over it. Thanks for ruining our fun, science.
We understand that with any sizable human population, there are going to be a few cases of soiled undies every year, but tens of thousands? Do the Brits not believe in throwing the evidence in the rubbish bin? Are U.K. toilets just more powerful than their American counterparts?
Sometimes, when an airline loses your luggage, you don’t put up a big fuss to find it, whether that’s because it’s filled with strange sex toys you’d rather not fess to or, oh, say …$60 million dollars’ worth of cocaine.
Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2016 edition