Seagull sends shoppers running from grocery store

The seagulls’ blitz on the U.K. continues, in case you forgot that we aren’t the only ones being attacked. As you may recall, this onslaught is becoming a summer tradition.

Now it seems they aggressive gulls are taking the battle indoors. One such angry bird broke into a grocery store, or whatever they call them over there, in Truro, England. The seabird swooped down on customers, and was so aggressive that the store had to be evacuated. The dive bombing was brought to an end when the gull was captured and released outside.

And they say the American legal system is broken.

U.K. adult film actress denies she is new prime minister

Things have gone a bit sideways in the U.K. lately. First, the tinfoil hat crowd voted the country out of the EU, then the mayor of London, the male British equivalent of Sarah Palin, was made foreign secretary. Worst of all, an adult film star may be the new prime minister.

Theresa May was just made the prime minister of the United Kingdom of England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and Narnia. But a lot of people don’t know how to spell her first name. This has led to British porn star Teresa May adamantly refuting reports that she now runs the country.

But we all know “Teresa May” isn’t her real name. It’s probably Theresa May.

Finally, a gin that makes you look younger

Alright kid, you've had enough for tonight.
Alright kid, you’ve had enough for tonight.

Do you drink? Do you enjoy gin, but hate that you’re drinking yourself into an early grave? Are you easily swayed by gimmicks? We’ve got the gin for you.

Enter Anti-aGin, a gin distilled from collagen, and who doesn’t love the taste of collagen? As people who don’t read this site will know, collagen is stuff that’s good for your skin. It helps your skin stay firm. The loss of collagen overtime is one of the effects of aging. Not that it’s backed up by science, but the thinking is that if you can drink collagen, you’ll enjoy a buzz and get a nice, youthful glow. That’s assuming your cheeks aren’t flushed from drinking in the first place.

Like most other shady sounding beverages we feature, Anti-aGin is only available in the U.K. Write your congressman today and tell them you want to drink from the fountain of youth.

Update: Bionic man loses virginity

Joyous news, everyone! Remember Mohammed Abad, the 43-year-old Scot who lost his penis in a car accident as a child, and recently received a bionic penis after three years of surgeries?

He finally lost his virginity to U.K. sex worker Charlotte Rose. Abad said now that he has made it over the hump, he can start searching for true love.

That’s as inspirational a story as you’re going to find on this site.

Ghost octopus yet another problem for humanity

Scientists were not able to eat the octopus while it was vulnerable.
Scientists were not able to eat the octopus while it was vulnerable.

Monsters are everywhere. The government just don’t want you to know about it. No, they want you to believe that every ghost has been busted, but it’s not true. They’re just haunting the ocean.

Off the coast of Hawaii, researchers have found an octopus far deeper than it should be. What’s worse, it seems very ghostly — giving off a bluish, yet transparent glow. Scientists are completely baffled. These things are even sneakier than we thought.

In somewhat related news, a 73-year-old who served in the U.K.’s special ops group has made a whale-shaped boat and plans to track whales across the Atlantic Ocean in it. At least someone’s willing to fight back.

(h/t to Hubie)

Seniors active in the bedroom also active mentally, science says

It turns out that having sex when you’re older can help you fight off dementia, according to a recent study. (We know thinking about old people and sex isn’t a great way to hook you, but this information could come in handy years from now, so read on.)

According to researchers Coventry University in the U.K., people surveyed 50 and 89 who had sex regularly tended to have better cognitive function. In all, more than 6,800 people were surveyed on their sex lives, and given simple memory tests. Both men and women who were sexually active did better on the tests. It’s the strongest evidence yet that you should buy your grandfather the hooker he’s been asking for.

“Science says you have to bang me if you want me to remember you in the morning,” is now an acceptable and true line for you to use when you’re over 50. And there’s nothing wrong with preventative measures if you’re younger.

British pets eat like American humans

No, you can't has anymore cheezburgers.
No, you can’t has anymore cheezburgers.

No matter how many weight-loss reality shows we watch, Americans just can’t seem to lose any weight. It’s no secret that America is in the midst of an obesity epidemic, but it’s good to know that the Brits are struggling with the same thing — their pets are, anyway.

According to a veterinarian group in the U.K., British pets are fat because their owners keep feeding them fast food and leftovers from dining out. Here in America, we save that stuff for ourselves. (Let the dog go buy his own Taco Bell!) What’s worse, is that some U.K. pet owners are even feeding their animals booze.

That kind of behavior here is reserved for Toby Keith songs.

And now a heartwarming tale

They rebuilt him. Better, stronger, but hopefully not faster.
They rebuilt him. Better, stronger, but hopefully not faster.

In a crazy world like ours today, it’s nice to get a little good news every now and then. We’ve got such a story for you: a man with a bionic penis is going to lose his virginity.

Now 43, Mohammed Abad lost his original penis in a car accident. In recent years, the Scottish man had a new, eight-inch-long bionic one installed, because why not go big? But it has only recently because fully functional. He has selected Charlotte Rose, a sex worker, to take his V card. (Also, prostitution is legal in the U.K.?)

The two are to meet up in London this week, and the lady will not be charging for her time. Abad will soon learn that that’s what women always say.

Survey: Social media leads to spouses unfriending each other

Married people: get off of social media right now. It’s going to end your marriage.

According to a survey by a law firm in the U.K., social media has caused a significant number of divorces. About 14% of Brits surveyed said they had thought about filing for divorce because of something their spouse did online. Even worse, 25% of those surveyed said they had fights weekly about social media use, and 17% said they fought with their spouse about it every day. Every. Day.

If you and your spouse are fighting about stuff you post on a stupid site on a daily basis, it might be time to block them.

U.K. cops are clearly on the animals’ side

You probably know that the grey squirrel, common throughout much of North America, is one of the biggest threats we face every day, but you may not know that they have invaded the U.K. and are wreaking havoc there, too.

In the city of Chester, a woman was attacked by a squirrel, in that it climbed into her purse and wouldn’t leave. The authorities were called, and they removed the offending tree rodent from the purse. However, they did not arrest the unsuccessful robber. In fact, they let the thing go, which is illegal.

Yes, the police failed to charge a criminal with a crime, and then committed a crime themselves by letting it go free.