Tag: u.s. house of representatives

Take it from Snee: Leave your gun in Missouri or stay home

Nanny states are only hurting themselves by not letting Officer Fedora Mansplain in with the tools to protect us.

If you don’t live in Texas, yet have a disclaimer in your science textbook that “evolution is a theory,” then you may have a good idea why The Concealed-Carry Reciprocity Act is a terrible idea. Of all the addled ideas to come from the minds of people who can’t walk into a coffee shop without the push-button power of life and death in their pocket, this particular brainfart bears the distinction of trumping states’ rights and making everyone less safe.

And if reason doesn’t sway you, the votes of 231 of our current U.S. Representatives should. Unless you want to be considered as smart as a Congressman.

So, why does the NRA want states to recognize the concealed carry permits of places like Missouri, where anyone can “constitutionally carry” concealed guns, with or without a permit? (Quick side question: how well does this go over in the non-backwater areas of Missouri, like St. Louis? I’m sure the police there are all about helping black people arm themselves with more than Skittles and cell phones.)

Because white people are f*cking nihilists. And it’s exhausting.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Leave your gun in Missouri or stay home

There’s pro-life, and then there’s pro-looking busy at work

Some people kill time at work by playing Minesweeper. Republican congressmen do it by introducing anti-abortion measures into every single bill, relevance be damned.

The House GOP approved a Homeland Security spending bill that includes an attachment by Rep. Robert Aderholt, R-Ala, which prevents Immigration and Customs Enforcement from funding abortions for illegal immigrants. You hear that, ICE? Your days of aborting anchor babies are over!

… Except, as ICE spokesperson Barbara Gonzalez said, they have never funded or provided an abortion. Ever. Not even in that Planned Parenthood, “never with government money” way, but “even when we really wanted to because that baby was a terrorist.” (ICE already had a policy in place based on the Justice Department’s rule for the Bureau of Prisons that bars willy-nilly abortions.)

But, at least nobody can say Rep. Aderholt has never worked a day in his 15 years in the House. Technically, he’s worked at least one now.

A not-so-Super Sunday

Why, hello there, reader. Big plans for the weekend? Well, before you let the crazy train leave suburban station, there are a couple of things you need to be aware of.

First, the U.S. House of Representatives would prefer it if you didn’t spend your welfare check on strippers. They passed a bill that “would bar welfare recipients from spending their benefits in strip clubs and casinos,” saying that kind of behavior is better paid through Republican donor parties.

And if that wasn’t weird enough, guess who’s going after child sex trafficking? No, the Catholic Church. (I know, right?) A team of nuns have alerted over 200 hotels in the Indianapolis area so they’ll know what child sex looks like for the Super Bowl. Nobody’s sure why the Super Bowl would be a banner day for pederasty — maybe because nothing sets the mood like the Puppy Bowl — but, it looks like we’re gonna have to settle for nachos and beer this year.

Also opposed to Christmas lights that untangle themselves

House Republicans have introduced a bill to repeal a nonexistent ban on the incandescent light bulb that President George W. Bush signed into law in 2007. According to Rep. Joe “I’m Sorry, BP” Barton, forcing light bulb manufacturers to produce energy efficient light bulbs (including the old Edison ones) that work with everything people currently use amounts to an attack on “personal freedom.”

It’s as if Republicans were acting out a metaphor about not understanding how paying a little more in the short term (fluorescent bulbs) means being able to save more over the long term (energy costs, not buying light bulbs for a few years).

Maybe number 5, letter ‘p’ can foot CPB bill

Do you smell that? In the air? No, it’s not (just) leftover Astroglide from yesterday’s Valentine’s celebrations. It’s the aroma of pennies being saved and earned in this year’s round of budget cuts!

The President has his plan, but Republicans have theirs; and theirs includes killing Sesame Street or at least forcing the simpler speaking Muppets into a voucher program. House Republicans want PBS, and NPR, off the government dole for what they perceive as over 40 years of unchecked liberal picture-moving.

You know what? They’re kind of right. PBS never really went out of their way to program shows that pander to conservatives. Maybe tax dollars shouldn’t help fund their programming if they ignore half of the political population.

And, so long as we’re trimming the politically-biased fat off of our pork, then perhaps it’s also time to eliminate churches’ tax-free status. After all, they cater almost exclusively to conservatives and even tell their donors how to vote.

Boehner solves global warming!

Were you worried about climate change, man-made or not? Well, then does soon-to-be House Speaker John Boehner have good news for you: he’s fixed it.

That’s right: the problem that would have destroyed our economy, killed off the elderly and children and made us all considerably stinkier? Boehner took care of it; don’t you worry your pretty little head.

How, you ask? The same way we stopped school bullying: by ignoring it.

Fabulous news regarding DADT

After nearly two years of gay and lesbian advocates asking the Obama administration to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” it appears that Congress will introduce a bill, possibly even this week.

President Barack Obama is reportedly on-board with the plan, albeit “grudgingly” because he didn’t plan to introduce anything until at earliest November, by which time he could find a way to support gays in the military without it sounding “so gay.” The President quickly added, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

President Obama’s hesitation is understandable since his first 18 months in office have been plagued with questions about his sexuality. There was Mustardgate when Obama ordered Dijon mustard for his burger. Or the knowing glances he got in response to asking Secretary of State Clinton if a tie brought out his eyes enough.

Even before his election, he was declared an ivory tower elitist, who pals around with terrorists … terrorists, who might be gay and hate straight people.

Should the amendment make it into defense authorization bill, the repeal would not take effect until after a study by the Joint Chiefs of Staff to ensure that the entire military won’t look gay … you know, except for the gays … who are valuable assets members contributors to national defense.

Must’ve been all that sexy abstinence talk

When family values Rep. Mark Souder (R-Ind.) announced he would resign his congressional seat after his affair with a female staffer, we were surprised. No, not because it was with a woman. We were surprised because we assumed that Souder had no genitals.

But that’s not important right now.

What is important is that the staffer in question, Tracy Jackson, also resigned. Jackson’s job was to produce videos for Souder on the topics of family values–including marital fidelity–and abstinence until marriage.

The Guys wish Ms. Jackson all the best on the next phase of her career where she trains babysitters until she’s caught molesting a baby.

Calling a spade a tool of Big Digging

After admitting to yelling out “Baby killer!” during Rep. Stupak’s backpedaling explanation to vote for the health care reform bill, Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-Tex.) regrets his outburst.

No, it’s not because he called a fellow abortion-opponent a baby killer. It’s also not because he sounded suspiciously like an unwashed hippie circa 1969.

No, Rep. Neugebauer regrets it because he has to maintain his bulls#@t explanation for yelling it out:

“… I exclaimed the phrase ‘it’s a baby killer’ in reference to the agreement reached by the Democratic leadership[, not] as a direct reference to Congressman Stupak himself.”

Yes, because that’s exactly how we yell at bad drivers: “That Ford Focus is a maniac!” Or at a terrorist in the mall: “Bomb vest! Bomb vest! That bomb vest is gonna kill that poor man who’s wearing it!” Or at barbers that always give us the same bad haircut: “Stop those clippers before they nick my neck again!”