Eat it, Canada: Santa is American

Aside from the Property Brothers, Canada has very little to boast about these days. And for a long time, Canadian officials have argued that Santa Claus is Canadian. Jolly Old St. Nick is here to say that that’s not true.

The Canadian media interviewed Santa Claus himself, only to find out that he’s an American, born in Washington, D.C., to boot. As we’ve covered before, Santa lives in North Pole, Alaska, and is on the city council there.

But what’s this? There’s a new claim being made to Santa Claus’ nationality. And it’s the Palestinians? Chris Kringle himself was spotted throwing rocks at Israeli troops recently, taking part in the protests of Palestinians that have taken place since U.S. President Donald Trump decided to recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Father Christmas’ participation in these protests could mean that Trump is on the naughty list.

We’re numéro un!

"À la vôtre, Madames de Pompadourks."
À la vôtre, Madames de Pompadourks.”

It’s finally happened: we not only make wine that tastes as French as flaky bread, but we now as a nation consume more of it than them. In 2013, we drank over 760 million gallons of the grape stuff, while those frogs only swilled around 740 gallons.

Now, some may point to the fact that, per person, the average French wine drinker drank more wine per year than his American counterpart. (And if you did point it out, then bonjour, Frenchie, ’cause you’re not fooling anyone.)

But, let’s flip that around. If the average French person drinks more wine than the average American, then that means more Americans drink wine than French people. And that makes us, as a culture, more French than vous! Eat it, Frère Jacques-asses!

… Wait. Nobody wants to be the Peter Criss of European cultures. Spit it out, Americans! And rinse out with Miller Light!

Americans fail to medal in team liquor drinking

The year is only two months old, and we’ve got more bad news for the U.S. in the realm of international drinking. We already told you that India leads the world in whiskey drinking.

When it comes to drinking liquor, South Korea is kicking our ass. What’s worse is that Team USA barely cracks the top 10. We average 3.3 shots per week, regardless of liquor. Whoever is leaving the 0.7 shots in the glass each week is probably a lightweight. Out ranking us, from #9 to #1, are Brazil, Slovakia, Ukraine, Bulgaria, Japan, Thailand, Philippines, Russia, and South Korea.

Russians drink 6.3 shots per week, nearly twice what we do. But South Koreans make even the Russians look like wine-cooler-sipping high school girls, averaging 13.7 shots per week.

The study only counts those of legal age, so there’s no doubt the U.S. would do better if the American sub-21 crowd was let in to compete on the international stage. Those of us who can legally drink need to step it up.

Some seriously U.S. wars updates

When it comes to wars, The Guys are starting to overstretch our resources. At last count we’re engaged on four fronts and with some real heavyweights, like robots, every animal in the world, extraterrestrial intelligence and the entire concept of education.

The U.S. fights a lot more wars–albeit against punier opponents like potheads and religious fanatics–so sometimes it’s hard to keep track of what our benevolent leaders are waging against. To keep you informed, we bring you A Seriously U.S. Wars Update.

Afghanistan
It turns out there may be more to Afghanistan than poppies and Muhammad fanboys who–like our own fanboys–have poor hygiene and fear the touch of women. U.S. geologists have discovered large untapped deposits of copper, iron and lithium and believe this could help draw more international aid. Because when we think of improving living conditions for a people that have been impoverished by unchecked religion, war and corruption, we think of mining.

Iraq
After over seven years of searching for chemical weapons in Iraq, U.S. forces have finally found them.

Illegal Immigration
According to an expert witness, Arizona is “the gateway to America for drug trafficking, extortion, kidnapping and crime.” That was Gov. Jan Brewer, who is experimenting with a new method of curbing illegal immigration: paint your state as a hellhole so that nobody will enter it.

So, in summation, America is winning!

Love means never having to sign another treaty

Love. It’s the same all over the world. Unfortunately, so are the downsides of relationships, like break ups (and children).

Imagine two lovers joined together as one, as they had for many, many years. The man starts becoming more and more abusive, so the woman declares herself independent of the man and wins her battle. As with some break ups, the two can’t remain away for too long and start fighting again, with no change in the outcome.

Many years later, the woman comes to the man’s rescue, in the process becoming more powerful than she had ever thought she could become. Now the man sees the woman for her strong, feminine power and respects her for it. In truth, he does pretty much whatever she says.

The man in this story is the British Empire and the strong, empowered woman is the U.S. In case you were wondering the two lovers today are still friends with benefits.