Not to end the weekend on a downer, but it looks like humanity is done for. Octopi have learned how to walk, and will probably overthrow us within a decade.
In Wales, about 20 octopi were recorded making their way along a beach. In case why that’s alarming isn’t clear to you, a beach is not the water, it is the sand near the water. These sea monsters are able to get around on land. Wildlife experts have never seen octopuses do this before, and they have no idea why they were doing it in the first place. The best guess they have is that the water was crowded so some of them wanted to have a little room.
These things are crowding up the oceans. There’s an army of these guys, and they’ve decided they want our land. This could be it, people.
Back when fire departments first became a thing, firefighters would loot the houses as they tried to keep them from burning down. Today, firefighters just settle for a small paycheck and an excuse to wear a mustache. One woman whose property was save by firefighters decided to give back.
In England, a woman’s piglets and sows were saved from a barn fire by her local fire department several months ago, and she promised to repay them someday. That day has come. The woman held a barbecue for the local fire department, serving sausages made from the very pigs that they had saved.
So really, the pigs were only saved from the flames for a few months–until they would be tastier. This is a great policy, as long as they don’t apply it to saving children.
According to wildlife experts, there is a scary virus infecting Oak Eggar moth caterpillars in the wild, and it’s controlling their minds until they explode. The caterpillars typically avoid sunlight, but ones infected with the baculovirus are forced to climb to up plants as high as they can and just sit there until they die. But the virus isn’t done yet. After the caterpillar dies, the virus keeps working, liquefying the innards until the body explodes, sending infectious goo everywhere to find new victims.
Needless to say, the U.K. is on high alert. We’re no scientists, but it’s only a matter of time before this virus starts infecting humans.
Queen Elizabeth II hasn’t had a job since her father died. She lives a life every little girl dreams of: living in a big, fancy palace with as many puppies as she wants. She’s 91 and still going strong. Is the secret to her longevity her access to first-rate health care and a lavish lifestyle funded by British taxpayers? No, it’s booze.
According to reports, the queen drinks four drinks a day. She drinks a gin and Dubonnet (a sweet aperitif) before lunch, a gin martini during lunch, then a glass of wine at the end of lunch. So she’s feeling quite jovial and it’s barely the afternoon. She then sobers up with tea in the afternoon and has a glass of champagne before going to bed at night.
That adds up to six units of alcohol by British standards, which the UK government considers binge drinking.
Airline pilots have rough jobs. They have to go through a ton of training, they work long hours, and they have to be on planes with other people. That’s why we shouldn’t be surprised when they honestly consider taking off in a broken plane.
Passengers on a flight from Malaga, Spain to Bristol, U.K. were surprised when their pilot asked them after boarding if they wanted to vote on whether to take off because there was only a 50/50 chance of both engines working. For those of you who aren’t great at probability, that meant that there was a very good chance the plane would only have one working engine for the flight.
Shockingly, the passengers reacted negatively, and a bit panicked at the thought of traveling on a broken plane. But the good news here is that a vote that mattered had a high turnout rate.
If that wasn’t enough, a new race of superslugs is invading Britain, albeit very slowly. Researchers say that an invasive species of slug, which is from Spain, is breeding with a native species and creating a hybrid. The Spanish slug is larger than the British slug, and likes to eat stuff like dead mice and its fellow slugs, and it’s an attractive meal for native predators. The hybrid species has these tendencies, but with the native species’ tolerance for frost. It is a race of superslug that is poised to take over the country.
According to a report from the bobbies, an 80-year-old woman was attacked and held hostage three days by two seagulls. The woman said she went outside to hang up her laundry, when two gulls swooped in, one holding her leg, and the other pecking it. She was able to escape her attackers and make it back inside her house, but the birds were out there waiting for her. It was only after the seagulls had relaxed just enough after three days that she was able to make a run for it and report to authorities.
British authorities refuse to comment on whether the birds that assaulted the old woman were met with swift justice.
Things have gone a bit sideways in the U.K. lately. First, the tinfoil hat crowd voted the country out of the EU, then the mayor of London, the male British equivalent of Sarah Palin, was made foreign secretary. Worst of all, an adult film star may be the new prime minister.
Theresa May was just made the prime minister of the United Kingdom of England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and Narnia. But a lot of people don’t know how to spell her first name. This has led to British porn star Teresa May adamantly refuting reports that she now runs the country.
But we all know “Teresa May” isn’t her real name. It’s probably Theresa May.
Do you drink? Do you enjoy gin, but hate that you’re drinking yourself into an early grave? Are you easily swayed by gimmicks? We’ve got the gin for you.
Enter Anti-aGin, a gin distilled from collagen, and who doesn’t love the taste of collagen? As people who don’t read this site will know, collagen is stuff that’s good for your skin. It helps your skin stay firm. The loss of collagen overtime is one of the effects of aging. Not that it’s backed up by science, but the thinking is that if you can drink collagen, you’ll enjoy a buzz and get a nice, youthful glow. That’s assuming your cheeks aren’t flushed from drinking in the first place.