No apologies were made in the writing of this post

If there’s one thing people love, it’s an apology. The more public or documented, the more it shows how humbled the offender truly was provides satisfaction for the aggrieved. Of course, they don’t always go as planned.

Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback was forced to brownbackpedal after his office contacted the high school of a teenage girl who does not like him. The 18-year-old Emma Sullivan tweeted that Gov. Brownback “sucked” during a class trip, to which the his staff objected, claiming the governor is not even her father.

The West Yorkshiretonville police have released the apology letter of a convicted British burglar that he was forced to write by his young offenders’ program. And, he gave the sincerest forced apology he could muster: by apologizing for how stupid his victim was to have left their downstairs window open at night. While it was released to the public and run in newspapers around the world, the letter was not delivered to the victim to spare their feeli — whoops.

TMI in today’s HotD

The BBC would like you to know that Ed Millibrand’s Balls support him 100 percent. (Normally, we wouldn’t capitalize “balls,” but it must be a British punctuation rule.)

Mr. Millibrand recently won the leader position in Britain’s Labour party. His balls apparently placed third, so they either took both the second and third positions, third and fourth or ran on a single ticket. The announcement by his balls will help ensure that they do not receive an undue amount of attention, allowing voters to focus on Millibrand’s message.

While we’re happy for Ed and his testicles (band name reserved), The Guys don’t really see what the big deal’s about. Our balls write half of our copy and pay our hosting fees with their day jobs.

Number 11: Thou Shall Not Need To Add Whipped Cream

Marketers exist in a fast-paced world. Their lives usually consist of inventing amazing campaigns that will stay in a person’s mind; but more often than not, said campaigns linger around for no more than around two months at most. That’s just craziness.

Of course, if you’re the Antonio Federici ice cream company, then your marketers are facing even more overwhelming odds. The UK’s Advertising Standards Authority has decided that Federici’s ad, involving what appears to be a pregnant nun eating the ice cream and a tag line stating “immaculately conceived,” is to be banned. The reasoning is that it might possibly offend Roman Catholics.

This is malarkey, and we’re not afraid to tell you the truth. The ASA didn’t ban it because of offense; it banned the ad because of pressure from a secret society that has their fingers in an untold number of sweet and indulgent conspiracies: the Fudgeluminati.

Now that I’ve revealed this truth, pray that I don’t wake up tomorrow as a chocolate-covered Chug.

Most of them are for driving on the wrong side of the road

As the tensions mount between England and the United States for no apparent reason, since both countries are out of the World Cup, America’s embassy is the worst offender among foreign missions when it comes to paying traffic fines.

Apparently, our boys owe about $5.75 million. You know why we don’t pay it? Because it’s an unjust tax!

Another case of government pork

Sometimes, the United Kingdom is one of our closest allies. In nearly every war we’ve fought since double ya double ya ah, we’ve been joined at the hip heading into battle (except for World War II, where we decided to sit the first couple years out).

But now, there’s a rift that could threaten to undo the great alliance between the limeys and the Greatest Nation on Earth. You may have heard about the whole dissolution of Parliament and Prime Minister Gordon Brown stepping down thing, but did you know that they hold elections there, too?

That’s a good thing, America likes democracy, but we don’t let our animals vote. England cannot say the same thing. An English woman said her pig, or as they call them over there, “pig,” received a voter registration letter for the upcoming general election. How can we possibly be allies with a country that let’s mankind’s greatest foe vote in its own elections?

I’m pretty sure that’s what the War of 1812 was about.

Brother, give that man a hand

Because if you’re in Britain, there’s a chance that your request might end up giving him an eye instead. Or a liver. Or a hypothalamus.

The National Health Service, or NHS, made just a little bit of a mistake by incorrectly recording which organs of some of the citizens are to be donated.

And by some, I mean up to 800,000. Whoopsidoodle.

The Chronicles of Argentina

As everyone knows, we’re at war. We’re at war with animals, drugs, poverty, uncomfortable feelings and religions we don’t agree with. But, we’re allies, so that means we’re also at war with anyone they’re rattling sabres at.

Notice the British spelling of “sabers” above? That’s because it’s time to kick some spicy Argentine ass for the Falkland Islands again!

It may sound grotesque to cheerlead for war, but it’s the Falklands! Princes will go to battle in a magical world where toilets flow backwards and puffins dot the landscape. If the Brits filmed this with children and Shakespearean actors, you’d Fandango tickets this very instant.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we need to write ourselves into some Falkland fan-fiction as invaluable American assistance.

How about a Viking funeral?

Some Hindus believe that a funeral pyre is important, some believe that setting the dead adrift in the Ganges River is the best thing for the deceased.

Since the Ganges River is in Asia, a devout Hindu in the United Kingdom asked the government if he could have a funeral pyre when he dies. Davender Ghai, 71m argued that he could be cremated in an open-air fire without changing any of the existing laws. In the end, the courts agreed, however, his neighbor might not enjoy the smell.

Was Rick Snee right again?

Last Wednesday, columnist Rick Snee gave it to you about the pronunciation of “2010” (again). And while he routinely projects volleys of predictions in these pieces, hoping one of them may stick, it appears he’s on the cusp of being right.

On the topic of future wars in the “Twenty-Ten” chain of events, he said the following:

“But, the Future War could be with anyone or anything. Imagine fighting aliens! Or time travellers! Or maybe even Communazis! Could the British want revenge for losing Samoa in 1900?! We can only hope!

Not one week later, the Yemeni government said that Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian charged with attempted unChristmaslike crotch behavior on a plane bound for Detroit, was “radicalised and recruited by al-Qaeda while a student in London.”

London. As in London, England. That’s where British people come from.

It appears that the U.K. is harboring terrorists. Sounds like invadin’ time to us!

Take it from Snee: The real ‘Harry Potter’ threat

All of your friends are probably doing it, too.Ever since adults picked up literacy from their kids, the world has been divided into two types of people:

  1. Those who read Harry Potter and tragically admit to it
  2. Those who read Harry Potter and hide it behind protesting too much

Let me clarify. There’s nothing wrong with reading Harry Potter and watching the movies and maybe even dressing up every once in a while (if you’re hot). Though the wheel may be squeaky, the real problem isn’t adults.

It’s not even witchcraft, morally-ambiguous elf slavery or alcoholism. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The real ‘Harry Potter’ threat