If that wasn’t enough, a new race of superslugs is invading Britain, albeit very slowly. Researchers say that an invasive species of slug, which is from Spain, is breeding with a native species and creating a hybrid. The Spanish slug is larger than the British slug, and likes to eat stuff like dead mice and its fellow slugs, and it’s an attractive meal for native predators. The hybrid species has these tendencies, but with the native species’ tolerance for frost. It is a race of superslug that is poised to take over the country.
According to a report from the bobbies, an 80-year-old woman was attacked and held hostage three days by two seagulls. The woman said she went outside to hang up her laundry, when two gulls swooped in, one holding her leg, and the other pecking it. She was able to escape her attackers and make it back inside her house, but the birds were out there waiting for her. It was only after the seagulls had relaxed just enough after three days that she was able to make a run for it and report to authorities.
British authorities refuse to comment on whether the birds that assaulted the old woman were met with swift justice.
Things have gone a bit sideways in the U.K. lately. First, the tinfoil hat crowd voted the country out of the EU, then the mayor of London, the male British equivalent of Sarah Palin, was made foreign secretary. Worst of all, an adult film star may be the new prime minister.
Theresa May was just made the prime minister of the United Kingdom of England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and Narnia. But a lot of people don’t know how to spell her first name. This has led to British porn star Teresa May adamantly refuting reports that she now runs the country.
But we all know “Teresa May” isn’t her real name. It’s probably Theresa May.
Do you drink? Do you enjoy gin, but hate that you’re drinking yourself into an early grave? Are you easily swayed by gimmicks? We’ve got the gin for you.
Enter Anti-aGin, a gin distilled from collagen, and who doesn’t love the taste of collagen? As people who don’t read this site will know, collagen is stuff that’s good for your skin. It helps your skin stay firm. The loss of collagen overtime is one of the effects of aging. Not that it’s backed up by science, but the thinking is that if you can drink collagen, you’ll enjoy a buzz and get a nice, youthful glow. That’s assuming your cheeks aren’t flushed from drinking in the first place.
It’s important to remember that, in the War on Animals, there are no small foes, only small animal warriors. (Don’t stop injecting mice with Silly Putty just because you’re saving up for that big shootin’ safari to darkest Africa.) In fact, based on the science of Ashton Kutcher movies, we understand that some of these tinier animal menaces are responsible for some serious human death tolls and property damage. So, that’s why we’re excited to announce that butterflies are on the ropes in the UK.
Our industrial activity has warmed up merry old England so much that butterflies on that side of the world are dying off and expected to be extinct by 2050. And once those butterflies stop flapping over there, this side of the world will become hurricane-free (except for the ones we drink, of course).
Meanwhile, so long as we keep our butterflies under control on this side of the pond, we can continue throwing hurricanes at human foes like terrorists and hot Italian guys who steal our girlfriends. (Arrivederci, Giuseppe!)
Yes, a world without British butterflies will be a glorious time for America, especially for dating. Welcome to the future: a world where “second base” doesn’t involve eyelashes if you know what we mean.
The best news here is that these teenagers aren’t afraid of the seagulls, even though the rest of the U.K. is. Perhaps these boys are the symbols of resistance the Brits need to turn this thing around.
The problem has gotten so bad that Prime Minister David Cameron has said there should be a national conversation about these dangerous birds. No, really. In the U.S., we can barely muster enough outrage to have a national conversation after a mass shooting. Do you really think our country is ready for when the animals rise up?
If you’re one of Her Majesty’s loyal subjects, and you’re coming down with some sort of bug, it’s your civic duty to tweet about it, and be as graphic as possible.
The U.K. Food Standards Agency has found that sifting through social media can help determine where spikes in illnesses, like the flu, are happening. This will allow officials to track such outbreaks faster than ever. And that’s why it’s relying on people to go to social media to report their symptoms.
Folks, this is why we fight socialized medicine here in the U.S.
If there’s one thing people love, it’s an apology. The more public or documented, the more it shows how humbled the offender truly was provides satisfaction for the aggrieved. Of course, they don’t always go as planned.
The West Yorkshiretonville police have released the apology letter of a convicted British burglar that he was forced to write by his young offenders’ program. And, he gave the sincerest forced apology he could muster: by apologizing for how stupid his victim was to have left their downstairs window open at night. While it was released to the public and run in newspapers around the world, the letter was not delivered to the victim to spare their feeli — whoops.