U.N. joins the War on Robots

Every now and then the United Nations does something that gets politicians suggesting that we should leave or defund the international organization designed to avoid world wars. But we now have a solid reason to support the U.N. forever and ever.

The international organization has said it will examine the dangers of developing weaponized artificial intelligence, better known as killer robots. This is a step toward the all-out banning of robots that don’t need you controlling them to kill people. And that would greatly increase our odds of avoiding the machine uprising we all know is coming.

Considering how U.N. resolutions stamped out human rights violations, we think this could stop the war before Judgment Day happens.

World peace through food comas

Only a mad scientist would try to usher in world peace through the Human Centipede of burgers.
Only a mad scientist would try to usher in world peace through the Human Centipede of burgers.

How far beyond improvement is Burger King’s food? It’s so unsalvageable that they’d rather tackle world peace. But, don’t worry, defense contractors: they’re trying to solve it with their and other fast food restaurants’ sh*tty burgers, so war should remain profitable for a very long time.

Burger King originally planned to partner with McDonald’s to commemorate (read: crassly cross-promote) the UN’s Peace Day. But, McDonald’s passed on their McWhopper bid, seeing that, as bad as their own image is these days, they’re still not Burger King. So, Burger King instead partnered with five other restaurants to ironically create the world’s first weaponized hamburger.

Their design combines elements of the Whopper, Denny’s Bacon Slamburger, Krystal’s cheese Krystal, and whatever the f*ck Wayback’s Wayback Classic and Giraffas’ Brutus are. It’s truly the C-list of burger joints grilling the F-grade of meat.

So far, it does not look like anybody will sell this atrocity to the public. Rather than profit from the war crime of food, they’re giving it away to Georgia Tech students. So, if anybody’s looking for the epicenter of the E. coli outbreak that locks the world’s armies in the john, you’re welcome.

Quick, someone call Bruce Willis!

Forget Anthrax! Screw weapons of mass destruction! Smallpox, you’re just old news! The real threat to human safety is not on the planet, but above the planet.

It’s that time of the year again! Yes, the world’s scientific community has gotten together, not to finally give us our f—ing jet-packs already, but to give awareness to the world that the most serious threat to Earth are asteroids. Something Hollywood has been telling us for the past ten years, at least.

To sum up the points of the conference:

  • The Association of Space Explorers wants the UN to approve asteroid interception missions.
  • An asteroid may have killed off all of the dinosaurs.
  • Asteroid Apophis, like everything else in space, has a possible chance of hitting Earth.
  • Gravity can be used to deflect asteroids.
  • If Apophis hits Earth, we’re boned.
  • We must take this threat for real because, let’s face it, we won’t always have Ben Affleck around to protect us.

What can save us now:

  • Michael Bay’s filmmaking
  • A power ballad by Aerosmith
  • President Morgan Freeman
  • Superboy of Earth Prime