Tag: undead

Art school financial aid of the dead

Jonathan Holstetler died last summer. The only thing is, he didn’t stay dead. The federal government knows what’s up: he died last August, but continues to try leeching off the system like so many undead do. Folks in Tennessee, sorry, the plague has hit your state.

Holstetler found out the government was on to his brain-eating scheme when he tried to apply for finacial aid for college. It is the policy of these United States of America to not give handouts to zombies, but this one refuses to give up. He’s taking his gripe to the local media, who are known to be anti-America and pro-undead.

Boston PD: Ready to do battle with the undead

When the zombies come, (and trust us, they will) you can depend on the Boston Police Department to tell you about it–unlike other government agencies, who cover up the zombie threat because they want to keep us dumb and sheep-like.

This revelation comes to us by the hotbed of pointless banter unreliable intelligence important announcements, Twitter. The Boston Police Department tweeted that one of its officers was being treated at a hospital for a human bite on May 19. Boston Police follower willcady responded, asking if it was a zombie bite, would the police tell the public.

The response: “@willcady Yes, absolutely.”

There you have it. A new era of government transparency has swept through the ranks of Boston’s finest. If the zombies hit Beantown, BPD will tell you wicked fast. Same goes for if the Aqua Teen Hunger Force plant bombs around the city.

(via Consumerist)

Brain-eaters have officially hit Austin

You see it in movies, you hear about it here at SG, but it looks like the zombie infestation has hit the U.S., not surprisingly, the scourge has hit Austin, Texas first.

The good news in this madness is that the city government had a plan and launched into action to warn commuters. Construction signs, the ones that usually have construction or traffic information scrolling on them, warned drivers of zombies ahead and advised leaving the area.

In a cover-up most likely perpetrated by the federal government, officials are playing it off as a hoax. They claim the signs were hacked and there was never any zombie threat. Yeah right, we’ll see who’s right right when we’re reloading our shotguns in defense against the zombie mobs.

Snowdrift of the living dead

It’s been a while since we heard any news from the undead scourge. The winters normally cause zombies to go into a dormant state (you know, other than death), so they are not really a threat until spring. Some believe this is why we have Easter.

This is not a normal zombie case by any means. A woman was found in a snowdrift in Milwaukee frozen pretty solid over. Even a surgeon said she was “technically dead.” But once again, science interfered with God’s plan and she was brought back from the dead at a nearby hospital. The zombie claims to go by the name of Tia Ross, who was 25 when she was living.

Speak, zombie, speak!

“I was dead and he brought me back to life,” Ross said.

Doctors are unsure of when Ross will be released from the hospital to feast on the flesh of the living.

What? Is there no cash in Hell?

Once again, the undead are trying to defraud our governments, but luckily, they remain overseas.

However, it seems they are getting cleverer, using the aid of the living. Ahmad Akhtary died in Afghanistan a while back. His wife has the death certificate to prove it.  But then Akhtary showed up for a doctor’s appointment in England (perhaps to better determine the cause of his own death.

Luckily, Akhtary got a punishment, No, not the shot to the head that all zombies deserve, he got 60 hours of community service. His wife, who we assume has not been bitten, was sentenced to 40.

The undead hit America’s freezer

There are a lot of things that one can find fascinating about Alaska. Its pristine state makes it a popular tourist attraction these days. But it’s not just for the living.

It is with shock that this blog reports zombies took over Fairbanks, Alaska yesterday. While we are not sure where they came from, or why they chose Fairbanks (Anchorage is much nicer), but there they were, walking through town in one of the daringest displays we have seen yet from the undead.

“There will be snack time at the cemetery,” Tarah Sickels told the group of about 20 zombies, who proceeded to moan for brains and clamor slowly toward the Golden Heart Plaza.

The horror. The horror.

The greedy, greedy zombies

In 2001, a Hungarian man was reported dead by his wife, who was obviously distraught. There was no body to be found, so the courts waited in 2003 to declare him deceased.

But then, last year the man rose from the dead and started staggering around, no doubt craving for brains. He and his wife were later arrested and charged with fraud, because they had apparently had over $1 million in life insurance on the man. Sorry, zombie punk! It’s called life insurance, not afterlife insurance. This serves as a reminder that the undead are indeed out there and we need to take care of them now with some swift justice.

What do you call a Polish zombie?

Poland, better known as Europe’s playground, is probably second most common butt of jokes in Europe (second only to France) but that doesn’t mean the zombies don’t take it seriously.

A man in Poland drowned in August, according to the Polish government. But now he is struggling to get the Polish government to recognize he is back from the dead. Thanks to red tape, the man cannot be a zombie until he has the government’s approval. At least their government is doing something about the threat of the undead.