Something is amiss in the United Kingdom. University College London researchers tried to reconcile alcohol sales with the amounts people claimed to drink in surveys, but the numbers just don’t match up. Nearly half of all booze sold in the U.K. is unaccounted for.
So, where did it go? A lesser writer might just chalk this up to people under-reporting what they drink, what business is it of yours, jack? And it makes some sense — anyone who’s ever been asked by a professor how much they’ve had to drink is more likely to low-ball that figure.
While wrapping up his visit to India, British Prime Minister David Cameron addressed India’s request for the return of one of the world’s largest diamonds, the 105-carat Koh-i-Noor. Mr. Cameron stressed that now was not the time to dwell on the past, but to focus on India and the U.K.’s economic future together.
Besides, the diamond is busy holding together a crown for the no-longer-necessary British monarch and attracting tourists to a musty historic site. Live in the now, India!
Nearly two years ago, we brought you news of a possible re-ignition of the United Kingdom and Argentina’s war over the Falkland Islands. Well, while things are getting spicier down there (the only way the Argentines know how), it looks like this war will be served cold, which is the best way to enjoy UKFC Extra Crispy Puffin the next day.
The recent assignment of a warship carrying Prince William to the islands for war games has led the Argentinean government to call Bill a conquistador. This is a grave insult because it implies his new bride gave him smallpox. And recent bans by an alliance of South American nations on an ships bearing Falklands flags led British Prime Minister David Cameron accusing Argentine President Cristina Fernandez of “colonialist” aims at retaking the island.
Between the Argentines’ Spanish conquistador heritage and the U.K.’s history of colonialism, pots and kettles everywhere are at risk of fighting the war these two nations are dancing around.
Mr. Millibrand recently won the leader position in Britain’s Labour party. His balls apparently placed third, so they either took both the second and third positions, third and fourth or ran on a single ticket. The announcement by his balls will help ensure that they do not receive an undue amount of attention, allowing voters to focus on Millibrand’s message.
While we’re happy for Ed and his testicles (band name reserved), The Guys don’t really see what the big deal’s about. Our balls write half of our copy and pay our hosting fees with their day jobs.
Hey! You! Get off of the game box! Or at least, get off of it after using the machine for an hour and 59 minutes. Why so? According to Steve Pope, a counselor and therapist in the United Kingdom, if you gamed for two hours, you just did the equivalent of a line of cocaine.
DUN DUN DUNDUNDUNNNNNNNNN.
“A lot of young people get themselves into a situation where they use video games as an escape from the world and they get hooked on the release of adrenaline it gives,” says Pope. “Spending two hours on a game station is equivalent to taking a line of cocaine in the high it produces.”
Pope goes on to claim that gaming is the “fastest growing addiction” in the UK and is affecting youth mentally as well as causing problems like obesity.
“I saw one 14-year-old Preston boy who played on games for 24 hours non stop and had not eaten and was showing signs of dehydration,” he adds. “When his parents tried to take his console away, he became aggressive and threatened to jump out of a window.”
There are also children, he warns, that have been stealing from their parents to buy video games. Just imagine if they were actually doing coke! There are even therapists who are addicted to making all sorts of melodramatic claims. Shock! Shock and horror!
As everyone knows, we’re at war. We’re at war with animals, drugs, poverty, uncomfortable feelings and religions we don’t agree with. But, we’re allies, so that means we’re also at war with anyone they’re rattling sabres at.
It may sound grotesque to cheerlead for war, but it’s the Falklands! Princes will go to battle in a magical world where toilets flow backwards and puffins dot the landscape. If the Brits filmed this with children and Shakespearean actors, you’d Fandango tickets this very instant.
Now if you’ll excuse us, we need to write ourselves into some Falkland fan-fiction as invaluable American assistance.
Winter sucks. It’s a fact. Another fact: Half the world is suffering through winter right this very second, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Here in the United States, we’ve been hit hard by cold weather and snow storms, but we’re not the only ones affected by the weather.
In the United Kingdom, people have been stuck indoors because they have gotten so much snow. And by so much, we mean millimeters, or whatever crazy measurement they use in that monarchy. So, what have English people done to pass the time indoors? They got online and went to a Web site designed for extra-marital affairs. IllicitEncounters.com (no, we’re not linking to it, you’re at work, remember?) received a record number of new profiles in a 24-hour period last week as a snow storm hit.
This apparently is a bad time to be married in England.