UK police look to give mystery amputee the finger

London 2010 … does anyone know what these guys ate before the Olympics? Because they’re clearly missing a few fingers.

Every summer is the Summer of Something. 1998 was the Summer of Asteroid Movies. The year before that was the Summer of George. Last summer was the Summer of Thinking 2016 is as Bad as It Will Ever Get … which means we had to find a new theme for this year instead of reheating last summer’s leftovers. So, we’re now at least waist-deep into the Summer of Mystery Amputations.

The odd thing about the Summer of Mystery Amputations, or SoMA, is that none of the amputations happened this year. In fact, many of these extremities were originally removed in previous decades or even millennia. But, today’s is much more recent: a finger found seven years ago in the U.K. that doesn’t match any open cases and was never claimed by anyone.

So, if you’ve lost a finger in London 2010, and can describe it, the police would like to free up a little space in their office fridge for an extra Cornetto.

U.K. under attack from fatberg, superslugs

Be glad you don’t live in the U.K. — unless you live in the U.K., in which case, run! It sounds like the entire country is a nightmare right now.

We recently told you about how the sewers of Cheltenham regularly back up, and it seems the problem has only worsened since then. Indeed, the whole town was paralyzed in fear after a “fatberg” blocked up the town’s entire sewer system. The solidified blob of fat made it so people in town couldn’t even flush their toilets. The blockage was cleared before it spilled onto the streets, but we probably haven’t heard the last from it.

If that wasn’t enough, a new race of superslugs is invading Britain, albeit very slowly. Researchers say that an invasive species of slug, which is from Spain, is breeding with a native species and creating a hybrid. The Spanish slug is larger than the British slug, and likes to eat stuff like dead mice and its fellow slugs, and it’s an attractive meal for native predators. The hybrid species has these tendencies, but with the native species’ tolerance for frost. It is a race of superslug that is poised to take over the country.

Our thoughts are with our allies at this time.

Cocaine traffickers blow it

Unsurprisingly, nobody is claiming either the drugs or bags from Lost and Found.

Sometimes, when an airline loses your luggage, you don’t put up a big fuss to find it, whether that’s because it’s filled with strange sex toys you’d rather not fess to or, oh, say … $60 million dollars’ worth of cocaine.

We don’t know what went through the minds of the “organized crime” syndicate that police suspect packed 360 kg of coke in neon-colored duffel bags and then lost somewhere in the ocean. We don’t know what happened to the traffickers and if they’ll be easy to find in matching Body Glove swimsuits. All we do know is that it was all very easy to find once it started washing ashore at Great Yarmouth in the U.K., some 140 miles (200 km) northeast of London.

Between the bright colors and the amount of cocaine, this should serve as a dire warning to anyone who tries this hard to ever bring back the ’80s again.

When Germany thinks you’re a little racist, damn

Even German right-wing tabloid BILD took a time-out from antisemitism to call David Cameron a slacker on helping non-white people.
Even German right-wing tabloid BILD took a time-out from antisemitism to call British Prime Minister David Cameron a “slacker” for not helping non-white people.

The issue of immigration is a complicated one, fraught with legitimate concerns on both sides. Only one side, however, believes in building walls and using the military to keep barbarian hordes out, though. And, when it comes to the ongoing North African refugee crisis in Europe — Britain, Germany is looking your way.

No matter what your perspective is on letting poor brown people who no longer have a home into your country, you know you’re kind of an assh*le when even German racists call you out for not doing enough for African and Arabic people.

Hurricanes defeated via butterflies

Once we undo to the Butterfly Effect, there's no way nature would be so cruel as to redo it with an even worse cast.
Once we undo to the Butterfly Effect, there’s no way nature would be so cruel as to redo it with an even worse cast.

It’s important to remember that, in the War on Animals, there are no small foes, only small animal warriors. (Don’t stop injecting mice with Silly Putty just because you’re saving up for that big shootin’ safari to darkest Africa.) In fact, based on the science of Ashton Kutcher movies, we understand that some of these tinier animal menaces are responsible for some serious human death tolls and property damage. So, that’s why we’re excited to announce that butterflies are on the ropes in the UK.

Our industrial activity has warmed up merry old England so much that butterflies on that side of the world are dying off and expected to be extinct by 2050. And once those butterflies stop flapping over there, this side of the world will become hurricane-free (except for the ones we drink, of course).

Meanwhile, so long as we keep our butterflies under control on this side of the pond, we can continue throwing hurricanes at human foes like terrorists and hot Italian guys who steal our girlfriends. (Arrivederci, Giuseppe!)

Yes, a world without British butterflies will be a glorious time for America, especially for dating. Welcome to the future: a world where “second base” doesn’t involve eyelashes if you know what we mean.

Correction: Scientists discover nature’s *second* hardest material

"Yep, still hardest."
“Yep, still hardest.”

News agencies around the globe breathlessly reported on their third page in the science section today that scientists have discovered the hardest natural structure in the world: the teeth of the limpet.

The limpet, contrary to whatever Don Knotts thinks it is, is a mollusk that uses tiny teeth made of the thinnest carbon fibers found to date to scrape the sea crap it eats off of sea rocks. Although the original teeth are microscopic, their make-up actually retains all of their strength when scaled larger.

‘People are always trying to find the next strongest thing, but spider silk has been the winner for quite a few years now,’ [lead study author Asa Barber] told the BBC. ‘So we were quite happy that the limpet teeth exceeded that.’

And that’s why we’re posting a correction to the story. Clearly, the limpet’s tooth is only the second hardest material found in nature; the first being found inside the lab coat of the scientist who discovered it.

Take it from Snee: Keep calm and drink

"According to your answers, you drank lllllllllllllllllllllllllllll rumrunners last night."
“According to your answers, you drank lllllllllllllllllllllllllllll rumrunners last night.”

Something is amiss in the United Kingdom. University College London researchers tried to reconcile alcohol sales with the amounts people claimed to drink in surveys, but the numbers just don’t match up. Nearly half of all booze sold in the U.K. is unaccounted for.

So, where did it go? A lesser writer might just chalk this up to people under-reporting what they drink, what business is it of yours, jack? And it makes some sense — anyone who’s ever been asked by a professor how much they’ve had to drink is more likely to low-ball that figure.

But, that still wouldn’t add up to twice as much booze sold as drunk. What the hell is going on in Merry Olde England? Let’s just say I have a few ideas … Continue reading Take it from Snee: Keep calm and drink

Bad form, India

British Prime Minister David Cameron stressed that he needs the stone to bring back Lord Voldemort, who is currently residing on the back of his head.
British Prime Minister David Cameron stressed that he needs the stone to bring back Lord Voldemort, who is currently residing on the back of his head.

While wrapping up his visit to India, British Prime Minister David Cameron addressed India’s request for the return of one of the world’s largest diamonds, the 105-carat Koh-i-Noor. Mr. Cameron stressed that now was not the time to dwell on the past, but to focus on India and the U.K.’s economic future together.

Besides, the diamond is busy holding together a crown for the no-longer-necessary British monarch and attracting tourists to a musty historic site. Live in the now, India!

Bacon WILL be brought home along with higher prices

Rejoice! No longer will the world join the ranks of being kosher! Well, except for those that were already kosher and shall be staying that way. And for people that don’t live in the United States.

Last week, we reported how the United Kingdom may be seeing a bacon shortage. BAH! We say bah! The United States will not be seeing a shortage, as we’ve got plenty of swine to go around. Though, there is a small after-effect attached to the epidemic: the price of bacon will be going up soon.

Will it be sizzling? No, probably not. But the cost of bacon may result in one less bacon wrapped bacon cookie for you.

The British just drink better than us

The British are famous for their drinking prowess, having drained Germany dry of beer during the 2006 World Cup. (They only, however, placed 7th in actual soccer-playing that year.)

So, how do you become a champion of boozing on the world stage? The same way the Chinese do in gymnastics: by training from an early age. And Britain’s future looks bright, indeed, after eight-year-old Nancy Cameron outlasted her father, U.K. Prime Minister David Cameron, at the pub on Sunday.

Eight years old, people. Fortunately, The Guys have launched an early child development product for U.S. moms: Baby Merlot — because you can learn to drink in the womb.