Last Wednesday, SeriouslyGuys.com columnist Rick Snee gave it to you about the pronunciation of “2010” (again). And while he routinely projects volleys of predictions in these pieces, hoping one of them may stick, it appears he’s on the cusp of being right.
On the topic of future wars in the “Twenty-Ten” chain of events, he said the following:
“But, the Future War could be with anyone or anything. Imagine fighting aliens! Or time travellers! Or maybe even Communazis! Could the British want revenge for losing Samoa in 1900?! We can only hope!“
Not one week later, the Yemeni government said that Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian charged with attempted unChristmaslike crotch behavior on a plane bound for Detroit, was “radicalised and recruited by al-Qaeda while a student in London.”
London. As in London, England. That’s where British people come from.
It appears that the U.K. is harboring terrorists. Sounds like invadin’ time to us!
Love. It’s the same all over the world. Unfortunately, so are the downsides of relationships, like break ups (and children).
Imagine two lovers joined together as one, as they had for many, many years. The man starts becoming more and more abusive, so the woman declares herself independent of the man and wins her battle. As with some break ups, the two can’t remain away for too long and start fighting again, with no change in the outcome.
Many years later, the woman comes to the man’s rescue, in the process becoming more powerful than she had ever thought she could become. Now the man sees the woman for her strong, feminine power and respects her for it. In truth, he does pretty much whatever she says.
The man in this story is the British Empire and the strong, empowered woman is the U.S. In case you were wondering the two lovers today are still friends with benefits.
The free market wins again! The cock-up of lawmakers is your gain, youngsters!
At least, if you live in Britain.
It’s always been considered illegal to sell adult-rated video games and movies to minors in the United Kingdom, ever since the Video Recordings Act of 1984. However, it’s been discovered today that the required paperwork was never put through properly, meaning that it’s actually been legal to sell adult entertainment to children for the past twenty-five years! In order for a law to be formally passed in the U.K., it has to be forwarded first to the European Union. Nobody ever actually did this when the law was drawn up over two decades ago, meaning it was never officially in place or legally enforceable.
What does this mean? Those who have already been convicted of an offense under the act will remain convicted, and can’t have their penalties/fines/sentences reduced. But those about to be prosecuted will be spared, at least until the government can enact “emergency legislation” to close the loophole. And in the meantime? Until said loophole is closed, it’s 100% legal for anyone, of any age, to buy anything. Movies, games, porn, doesn’t matter. Even if it’s media content that was previously banned in the U.K., until that emergency legislation is passed, it’s all good.
So, teenagers and pre-teens of the U.K., what are you waiting for? Hop to it and contribute to both the free market and your cerebral delinquency!
If the internet was made for sex, then what are young adult books made for?
Well, if you’re in Britain, then they’re clearly made for pedophilic tendencies. Isn’t that right, J.K. Rowling?
Oh yes, that’s right, the woman behind the financial marvel known as ‘ARRY POHTTAUH may have to register as a potential pedophile simply thanks to the literature that she’s written. Now, mind you, the Harry Potter series is clearly not of the Lolita style of writing, but simply because she has the possibility of visiting students at schools, Rowling must go onto a list of people who may have a greater likelihood of becoming white unmarked van drivers. Oh, and also, she’s required to pay a fee to go onto this list. Genius.
And no, this is not an article from The Onion. We could only hope that it was.
We have reported through the past several months that Canada has gone on the offensive in the War on Animals (in particular, baby seals), but as we have also noted, Canada is really the Puerto Rico of the United Kingdom. So in reality, it’s all just the Brits who are coming to help us, as we wait for the sleeping American giant to wake up fully and get to work.
Well, it seems Queen Elizabeth II is at it again. What’s Betsy doing this time? She is making sure all the swans are counted–so she knows where they are and how many she has left to kill. It’s a tradition dating back to the 12th century, when they counted swans by the hog’s head worth of blood.
The best part is that there is a guy whose job it is to count the foul fowl. His title, of course, is the Queen’s Swan Warden. Now all we need is the royal executioner.
When it comes to being on the radio, it used to mean you were just ugly. Nowadays, it also helps to be a moron like Michael Savage.
Savage, who is known to rally the simple and easily-led against any further immigration and sealing off the borders, is angry because he’s not allowed to visit England.
Let’s break that down:
1. Savage hates foreigners coming to his country for, in his opinion, ruining the language, refusing to respect our government and breaking the law to enter because they’re not on the official list. (A list that he wants eliminated, by the way.)
2. He wants to enter the United Kingdom, a country whose language some would believe we’ve ruined, whose constitutional monarchy is the butt of our jokes and he’d have to break the law to get in because he’s not on the list. (Actually, he’s on a list: the do-not-allow-into-the-UK list.)
3. Savage hates lawyers for defending illegal immigrants in the United States and believes that their efforts to change immigration law is morally wrong.
4. He’s using British lawyers to get him off the banned list, changing British immigration law.
So, the real message of the Savage Nation would be: “Can I please leave the United States of America? Pleeeeeeeeeeease?“
Sometimes, it’s the small things in life that help out the most.
An aquarium in the United Kingdom is being besieged by the very thing it’s supposed to protect-animals. DUM, DUM DUM DUM.
A coral reef exhibit has been found mysteriously destroyed, and in some cases, split right in half. Aquarium employees have been left utterly dumbfounded as to what could possibly be the source behind the destruction up until recently, when they discovered the culprit. The vandal was a mild-mannered worm.
Oh, and by mild-mannered, I mean nightmare fuel.
Why so nightmare fuel? It’s a polychaete worm. A four foot long polychaete worm. With jaws that snap and slice at an alarmingly fast speed and covered in sharp bristles that can permanently numb a human and the ability to digest hooks. The nickname for the polychaete worm? The “bobbit worm.” Oh, and polychaete worms have the ability to breath on land as well if need be. Have fun sleeping at night.
Do you see, nature? Do you see what happens when you allow monsters to be created? They attack everything. Congratulations on dooming everyone.
The UK’s Change4Life campaign — which links playing video games with obesity, diabetes, heart disease, and cancer — could draw fire from Sony for using a PlayStation-like controller in their print ad. Legal fire, that is, which — as we all know — is the third hottest fire that’s possible (behind orphanage arson fire and burning Benjamins in front of a hobo fire).
The magazine ad in question features a young boy obviously not enjoying himself while holding a dual analog wireless controller, similar to that used with the PlayStation 3 and its predecessor. The print warns that even healthy-looking inactive children risk cancer, diabetes, and heart disease once they reach adulthood. Sony Computer Entertainment Europe is currently considering legal action against the ad creators.
Now, having an active lifestyle? Top notch. Alluding that playing video games is a direct cause of not having an active lifestyle? Not as top notch. Using an ad that essentially equates their product with killing kids? Get ’em, Sony.
You ever have one of those friends you hate during gift-giving holidays? You know, the one that goes overboard finding the most elaborate, fitting gift that you could never top?
The President bought what many would consider an adequate gift for visiting Prime Minister Gordon Brown: a uniquely commissioned collection of 25 great American movies on DVD. Nice.
- “a pen holder fashioned from the oak timber of HMS Gannet, a Navy vessel that served on anti-slavery missions off Africa.”
- “a framed commissioning paper for the HMS Resolute, a Royal Navy ship that came to symbolize British-American goodwill when it was rescued by the U.S. from icebergs and given to Queen Victoria,” sister ship of the HMS Gannet.
- “a first edition of Martin Gilbert’s seven-volume biography of Winston Churchill, whose World War II partnership with President Franklin Roosevelt symbolized the U.S.-Anglo alliance.”
Jeez. That’s a creepy, yet heartwarming, mixtape-and-a-half there: “In honor of visiting the first black President of the United States, here’s a reminder about slavery … which my country opposed … eventually, but slightly before yours.” Also: “Did you know that spiders mate for life (more or less)?”
Now that President Obama has a better idea of what kind of crazy elaborate presents to expect from Brown, maybe he’ll throw in a bag of his favorite flavor of popcorn.*
*A.K.A. the classic “Movie Night In A Box,” the cheapest ploy for sex on your couch.
England is waking up to realize a menace is upon them. “A sinister cult,” as The Daily Mail puts it, obsessed with self-harm and suicide. A threat that America has just about wedgied out of existence and that Mexico put to the lash.
We are speaking, of course, about emos.
Now, this article doesn’t guarantee action, but it is the first step towards British involvement:
- Point at someone and say, “Wot is this all about?”
- Remind that person that they are British: “Stand up now, Guvnah. You’re British.”
- If they are not, in fact, British, condemn them: “Now that’s downright bawmy. Away with you, you little bugger.”
- When words fail, fetch a “Constable” or perhaps “engage in some fisticuffs.”
The empire is just about poised to strike back … at sad little teenagers.