U.N. joins the War on Robots

Every now and then the United Nations does something that gets politicians suggesting that we should leave or defund the international organization designed to avoid world wars. But we now have a solid reason to support the U.N. forever and ever.

The international organization has said it will examine the dangers of developing weaponized artificial intelligence, better known as killer robots. This is a step toward the all-out banning of robots that don’t need you controlling them to kill people. And that would greatly increase our odds of avoiding the machine uprising we all know is coming.

Considering how U.N. resolutions stamped out human rights violations, we think this could stop the war before Judgment Day happens.

Wonder Woman hits glass ceiling at U.N.

Not since Superman unilaterally decided we shouldn’t have nuclear weapons anymore has their been such controversy. Wonder Woman has been kicked out of the U.N.

After being named a U.N. ambassador in October, Wonder Woman has been stripped of her title. A petition signed by nearly 45,000 people called for U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon to force her to step down, saying that she is too sexy to be the feminist warrior role model she is intended to be. The petition cited how scantily she dresses and her unrealistic body type as negative images for young women of the world to look up to.

Now how are we going to get her invisible jet technology?

World peace through food comas

Only a mad scientist would try to usher in world peace through the Human Centipede of burgers.
Only a mad scientist would try to usher in world peace through the Human Centipede of burgers.

How far beyond improvement is Burger King’s food? It’s so unsalvageable that they’d rather tackle world peace. But, don’t worry, defense contractors: they’re trying to solve it with their and other fast food restaurants’ sh*tty burgers, so war should remain profitable for a very long time.

Burger King originally planned to partner with McDonald’s to commemorate (read: crassly cross-promote) the UN’s Peace Day. But, McDonald’s passed on their McWhopper bid, seeing that, as bad as their own image is these days, they’re still not Burger King. So, Burger King instead partnered with five other restaurants to ironically create the world’s first weaponized hamburger.

Their design combines elements of the Whopper, Denny’s Bacon Slamburger, Krystal’s cheese Krystal, and whatever the f*ck Wayback’s Wayback Classic and Giraffas’ Brutus are. It’s truly the C-list of burger joints grilling the F-grade of meat.

So far, it does not look like anybody will sell this atrocity to the public. Rather than profit from the war crime of food, they’re giving it away to Georgia Tech students. So, if anybody’s looking for the epicenter of the E. coli outbreak that locks the world’s armies in the john, you’re welcome.

You Missed It: Scientific advances edition

Guy's got game.
Guy’s got game.

The internet is many things. But I believe that decades from how historians will look back on it and just see it as “weird.” Take a look at what’s trending on Twitter on any given day and you’ll see. Yesterday was a two-fer. We had llamas on the run in Arizona, and a debate over the color of a dress. Machismo aside, I have no idea why people cared so much about that dress. I mean, at least the llama chase was fun to watch. There are countless optical illusions online, and this dress one went nuts for a day. Looks like it’s time to dust off the rights to Magic Eye. If you were busy legalizing marijuana this week, odds are you missed it.

‘The climate is changing … in my pants’
This week, Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (like you didn’t know that already), resigned amid sexual harassment claims. According to reports, Pachauri, 74, made unwelcome advances electronically toward several women. His go-to line: “Is the average temperature warming up from man-made causes in here, or is it just me?”

Bill Cosby is still touring for some reason
Embattled comedian Bill Cosby sent out a message to fans Friday before a performance in Louisiana. He thanked his fans for 53 years of their support, and said he couldn’t wait to see their smiling faces, and finished up his statement with, “Hey, Hey, Hey — I’m far from finished.” He then reminded his lady fans that his shows have a one-drink minimum.

Did the war even happen?
Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald found himself in trouble this week for lying about his service record. It was revealed that when he met a former special forces serviceman at an event supporting homeless people in Los Angeles, McDonald, an Army veteran, said he had served in special forces, too, when in fact he had not. McDonald apologized, and said he was actually with Brian Williams when his helicopter took fire.

You Missed It: All that you can’t delete from iTunes edition

"How about these iPods I found in storage? Anyone want them?"
“How about these iPod glasses I found in storage? Anyone want them?”

Sorry we missed each other last week. I was busy spending my regular-sized weekend drinking beer and whitewater rafting. Not at the same time, though. That would have meant a lot of spilled beer. Although going over the rapids drunk probably would have enhanced the fun and maybe helped me to forget how cold it was. If you were busy being named the Ebola czar this week, odds are you missed it.

Sorry, bloody sorry
This week, Bono apologized to the world for pushing U2’s newest album into the faces of every iTunes user ever. The frontman said that the band didn’t mean any harm to the people who complained about getting something for free, they just wanted to make a big entrance with the new album. Now if he would apologize for his last decade of work.

How does that even come up in an interview?
Author John Grisham found himself in hot water this week when he said he thinks that courts should go easy on guys caught causally or accidentally viewing child pornography. He cited a friend who drunkenly downloaded pictures of girls who weren’t 18 yet but was caught and labeled a sex offender. Public outcry didn’t care for his position. Grisham apologized, saying, “Yes, I believe they deserved to die, and I hope they burn in hell!”

The ocean is broke
Actor Leonardo DiCaprio, named messenger of peace and master of the universe by the U.N., donated $2 million to the ocean this week. Big deal, that old lady donated priceless jewelry to the ocean at the end of Titanic. (Spoiler alert.)

Another way to bug vegetarians

"Can't we stick to killing, draining the blood out of and hacking apart larger animals and grinding them into sausage for sustenance?"
“Can’t we stick to killing, draining the blood out of and hacking apart larger animals and grinding them into sausage for sustenance?”

As Bryan McBournie reported in this week’s “Minute,” cicadas make people say and do crazy things, like eat them. Fortunately, one of several broods only pop up every decade, give or take a few years, so we can nod and say, “Sure, it’s just like eating shrimp,” because we know this is only a temporary madness inspired by driveways covered in bug skin.

But, the U.N. isn’t content with being crazy once every 17 years. They are ready to embrace bug-eating every year, all year-long.

Taking a break from somehow stealing all of your guns, the U.N. found that insects produce more meat per pound of food eaten than most other sources of protein. It’s also leaner because bugs have ridiculous body images thanks to the exoskeleton fashion industry.

Their study noted that two billion people in Asia, Africa and Latin America already eat bugs. And in some African and Asian countries, large enough collections of certain bugs can mean big money for collectors. Of course, this is what happens when you have to compete with lions and tigers for a steak.

There’s only one reason The Guys may support this idea: to finally thin the bugs’ numbers. They currently outnumber us 200 million to one.

Canada: Not as squeaky clean as we thought, says UN

We could’ve told you this a long time ago, but no one wanted to listen to us.

The United Nations has put Canada on a human rights watch list.

Some people are saying that this is the truth, as their “we’re so good and friendly, eh?” image is nothing more than a facade, belying their true nature, that of a tyrannical monster. Other people, mainly those in Canada, are saying that this is an attack upon their country.

Personally, we’d like to see Canada stand up in front of the UN and explain hockey fights to the rest of the world. And Tom Green.

There can be only one 7-billionth child

According the doctors from the Philippines’ Department of Health and Manila’s Jose Fabella Memorial Hospital, newborn Danica May Camacho is the 7-billionth existing human being on Earth.

But, not so fast with those congratulations.

Officials in Uttar Pradesh, India say they will be appointing seven 7-billionth girls. And you just know that China, Russia, Iran and the United States will each have their own 7-billionth children.

What’s the U.N. doing to control this brewing international pissing match, you ask? Nothing. They believe “it is impossible to pinpoint the arrival of the globe’s 7 billionth occupant,” so they’re allowing a series of symbolic children to be declared the 7-billionth.

To which we say that’s it’s all symbolic fun and games until all of the appointed 7-billionth children fight each other to the death until only one remains to win the prize.

The U.N. stinks

The U.N. Security Council and General Assembly were evacuated from their Manhattan headquarters Tuesday for the world’s first smell day.

After spending several hours in the cold outside, making fun of each others’ cooking, the delegates were finally let back in when it was determined the odor was nothing dangerous.

Authorities believe the smell was a combination of factors stemming from the East River and sewage lines, but Pakistan still insists that India has “the curriest curry farts that ever curried.”

UN wants you for Space Ambassador

At least, if you’re qualified, that is.

Yes, you’re reading that right. This is not a satirical website’s attempt at humor (or at least, some other satirical website’s attempt at humor), nor is it an April Fool’s-esque headline: this is the real deal.

The United Nations has appointed Malaysia’s first astrophysicist to be their ambassador to space. No one knows at the moment whether this will be a strike for our on-going war on aliens (established in June of 1947, maybe July) or blow against a much needed wartime effort, as the UN is often wont to do.