Canada: Not as squeaky clean as we thought, says UN

We could’ve told you this a long time ago, but no one wanted to listen to us.

The United Nations has put Canada on a human rights watch list.

Some people are saying that this is the truth, as their “we’re so good and friendly, eh?” image is nothing more than a facade, belying their true nature, that of a tyrannical monster. Other people, mainly those in Canada, are saying that this is an attack upon their country.

Personally, we’d like to see Canada stand up in front of the UN and explain hockey fights to the rest of the world. And Tom Green.

There can be only one 7-billionth child

According the doctors from the Philippines’ Department of Health and Manila’s Jose Fabella Memorial Hospital, newborn Danica May Camacho is the 7-billionth existing human being on Earth.

But, not so fast with those congratulations.

Officials in Uttar Pradesh, India say they will be appointing seven 7-billionth girls. And you just know that China, Russia, Iran and the United States will each have their own 7-billionth children.

What’s the U.N. doing to control this brewing international pissing match, you ask? Nothing. They believe “it is impossible to pinpoint the arrival of the globe’s 7 billionth occupant,” so they’re allowing a series of symbolic children to be declared the 7-billionth.

To which we say that’s it’s all symbolic fun and games until all of the appointed 7-billionth children fight each other to the death until only one remains to win the prize.

The U.N. stinks

The U.N. Security Council and General Assembly were evacuated from their Manhattan headquarters Tuesday for the world’s first smell day.

After spending several hours in the cold outside, making fun of each others’ cooking, the delegates were finally let back in when it was determined the odor was nothing dangerous.

Authorities believe the smell was a combination of factors stemming from the East River and sewage lines, but Pakistan still insists that India has “the curriest curry farts that ever curried.”

UN wants you for Space Ambassador

At least, if you’re qualified, that is.

Yes, you’re reading that right. This is not a satirical website’s attempt at humor (or at least, some other satirical website’s attempt at humor), nor is it an April Fool’s-esque headline: this is the real deal.

The United Nations has appointed Malaysia’s first astrophysicist to be their ambassador to space. No one knows at the moment whether this will be a strike for our on-going war on aliens (established in June of 1947, maybe July) or blow against a much needed wartime effort, as the UN is often wont to do.

Saddest kickball game in the world

If you think the rivalry between Camp Icheewicheetumtum and Camp Howzyafather for control over the Peepeehat Totem is intense, then think again.

The Gaza Strip is home to the biggest summer camp grudge since Meatballs: the scrappy, can-do U.N. campers vs. the militarized Hamas jocks. In fact, some masked men–believed to be Hamas counselors–raided the U.N. camp, “tying up guards and slashing tents and an inflatable pool.”

To date, the Hamas summer camp has refused to comply with U.N. requests, like permitting inspectors to take stock of their toilet paper supplies or appraise the content of their bug juice.

While Hamas police officers regret the bullying of their summer camp, hardliners opposed to the U.N. camp that teaches young men “folklore dancing” and other “weenie activities.”

Said one Hamas legislator: “NEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRDS!”

The ‘Can you hear me now’ guy is an infidel

Being a refugee is tough, regardless of where you are. Resources are scarce, there’s little or no plan to go along with, and people keep trying to rape your daughters. Luckily, the United Nations is here for you.

If you happen to have fled your Iraqi homeland for Syria to escape the slaughter and civil unrest going on in what was once your neighborhood,  you are now taken care of. All you need is your cell phone so you can receive a text message from the U.N. for a good voucher.

What’s that? You forgot your cell phone when the Shiites ran you out of town, and you would not have paid your bill this month anyway because you have no source of income at the moment, and even if you had, you’re in a different country partially covered in desert so you have no service? Well I guess you should have planned ahead!

The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1950-1959)

When I was in school, in history classes they only taught us up until the end of World War II. This was not because I was going to school in the 1940s, but the teachers just ran out of steam or did not want to cover any of the controversial topics of the rest of the 20th century. The Nazis were evil, we beat them, America is a super power, the end. I had one high school American History course that made it to the Marshall Plan.

Still, I feel like something happened in those remaining 55 years that could better explain where we are today. That’s why I, Bryan McBournie, who minored in history, am here to help you learn about what happened through the decades since World War II. If you watch enough television  or listen to enough music ,you should know some of this yourself.

I’m starting with the 1950s. Why? Because nothing happened from 1946 to 1949 and you know it. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1950-1959)

Fine! Maybe Georgia will have change to spare

With the economy heading down the tubes and the presidential election less than two weeks away, candidates are more in need of campaign funding but voters are more reluctant to give it to them. This, like so many other once-proud American jobs, the position of campaign financer is being outsourced overseas.

Russia’s envoy to the U.N. received a letter from the campaign of Sen. John McCain on Monday, asking for a donation of anywhere from $35 to $5,000. In the letter, McCain said he would be proud to serve the Russian envoy. Russia turned down the offer to donate. The McCain campaign said it was a mix-up on the mailing list.

The campaign added the slogan “Country First” does not declare which country comes first.

UN ushers in Year of the Potato

It’s the Vegetable New Year!  After a very successful Year of the Rutabaga and the disastrous 2006 Year of the Spinach Leaf, the United Nations is celebrating in the streets to usher in the Year of the Potato.

If you were born in 2008, 1996, 1984, 1972, 1960, 1948,1936, 1924, 1912 or 1900, then this is your year, Potato Head! 

For those born in these years, you are forthright, disciplined, systematic, meticulous, charismatic, hardworking, industrious, charming, eloquent, sociable and shrewd. Potatos can be manipulative, cruel, dictatorial, rigid, selfish, obstinate, critical, over-ambitious, ruthless, intolerant, scheming and sturdy.

Watch out for Cabbages and Broccoli–they are jealous of your charisma and secretly plot your downfall.

Other Potatos include classical composers Bach and Handel, one-eared artist Van Gogh, keyboard-maiming Dvorak, Walt Disney and Charlie Chaplin.