Kids these days and their driver’s licenses

Kids. Teenagers. Adolescents. None of them had it as rough as we did when we were their age.

Oh sure, they may think the opposite. “Keep it coming, old man. You’re full of baloney. No, malarkey.” (This begs the question of just how annoying youngster hipsters have become if they’re using ages-old phrases, but I digress.) But it’s true! They don’t!

See, there is information (with charts! CHARTS! [and by plural charts, I mean one chart]) that now correlates this information: an ever-growing amount of American kids are refusing to get their driver’s license at the earliest age possible. This isn’t necessarily due to teenagers and young adults not passing their tests on the first go. It’s also because of other reasons: rising home income of parents, stricter regulations regarding obtaining a license and Callfield of Battleduty.

Note: one of those reasons may not actually be true.

Shortest lawsuit ever?

It partially sounds like something from a children’s story. Nonetheless, it might explain just how magical their coffee can seem at times (though, since those times tend to be 6 and 7 in the morning, anything with caffeine would be magical). Well, for as long as the magic can last, that is.

Stay with me now: The United States of America is suing Starbucks for firing a dwarf.

You did not read an untrue word in that sentence.

Starbucks allegedly fired a dwarf person (she was downsized?) the same day that she requested a stool, stating that “she could be a danger to customers and workers.” It’s a horrible reason to use as grounds for termination, mainly because she wouldn’t be a danger, but probably more an amusement to the customers. Except on March 17. Just, FYI kiddo.

It’s life imitating art

Especially when the art is a Steven Seagal movie. Note: this might be the truest form of an oxymoron.

Remember the Cold War? Everyone was all “Grr, snarl, I’ll get you Comrade Jerk-ski, Take that Capitalist Pig!” And then there was that whole nuclear standoff that has eventually put us where we are now. Which is to say, with the United States as the top dog and Russia still eating borscht. But hey, now we’ll never have movies like Hunt for the Red October. Right?

Not unless we’re able to add in countries like Britain.

Summer traffic somehow gets worse

Animals are all about stopping our progress, and part of that is stopping the flow of regular human traffic.

We take you first to Germany. There, a motorist reported a dead badger lying in the middle of the road. Turns out the badger was just passed out drunk from eating overripe cherries. As we have said in the past, booze and animals just don’t mix.

Next, back over to the good ol’ U.S. of Alpha, where it was a normal day at John F. Kennedy International Airport in New York on Wednesday–that is until the runway was invaded with turtles. Not just regular turtles, not even ninja turtles. They were horny turtles, and they delayed flights (like JFK needs any help in reasons for delayed flights) while workers shooed them away. The turtles are still at large.

Take it from Snee: Speak English or go home!

So, I was at Taco Bell for lunch (because nothing is more American than mystery meat and cheese in a flour tortilla).  I waited patiently in line, using my time productively by deciding how I wanted my tortilla folded, and when it was my turn to order, I stepped up to the register. 

The cashier did not greet me—strike one.

Unphased, I said, “Uh, yes, I would like a number three—soft tacos—with a Pepsi, please.”  (Whenever I order, I always make sure to specify all the choices so the waiter doesn’t have to ask a bunch of questions.  It lets them know that I appreciate blue-collar Americans and shortens the wait time for other diners.)

The cashier punched in my order, still saying nothing—strike two.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Speak English or go home!