Bacon WILL be brought home along with higher prices

Rejoice! No longer will the world join the ranks of being kosher! Well, except for those that were already kosher and shall be staying that way. And for people that don’t live in the United States.

Last week, we reported how the United Kingdom may be seeing a bacon shortage. BAH! We say bah! The United States will not be seeing a shortage, as we’ve got plenty of swine to go around. Though, there is a small after-effect attached to the epidemic: the price of bacon will be going up soon.

Will it be sizzling? No, probably not. But the cost of bacon may result in one less bacon wrapped bacon cookie for you.

Vampire Watch 2011

If science movies like Outbreak and Nosferatu have taught us anything, it’s that it only takes a single Patient Zero to ruin life as we know it.

A Mexican migrant worker has become the first person to die in the U.S. from the bite of a spooky vampire bat. He was bitten on the heel in Mexico–which also makes this the first non-Internet foot-fetishist vampire story–and died shortly after arriving in Louisiana to work on a sugar cane plantation.

Authorities have been careful to not disclose the current location of his body as local teenage girls have begun staking out graveyards to swoon at him. This is even more problematic as he died from rabies, leaving it up in the air whether he belongs on Team Edward or Jacob.

This could still take a while

After eight months of wheeling and dealing, U.S. and Russian negotiators have reached an accord on nuclear disarmament. (No, it’s not total disarmament, which is why they met at all.)

The deal must be signed by President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev before arsenals are redistributed to friendly regimes slashed, which we imagine will go a little something like this:

OBAMA: OK,  now it’s just time to sign …

MEDVEDEV: You sign first.

OBAMA: … After you.

MEDVEDEV: No, no. I insist.

OBAMA: Alright, we’ll sign it together on the count of three. One … Two

MEDVEDEV: Wait! Do we sign on three or after, like “one, two, three, sign?”

OBAMA: Well, I said “on the count of three,” so on three. Acceptable?


OBAMA: OK, on three. One … TwoTHREE!



OBAMA: OK, on three …

She ain’t heavy, she’s a mother

It was speculated that the Guinness Book of World Records deliberately got rid of “fattest person” and “fattest pet” type records in order to avoid discouraging deliberately dangerous behavior.

Of course, the world tends to not include New Jersey in it (would you?). As such, Donna Simpson is on the road to fame!

And diabetes. And a heart attack. And infamy. And breathing problems. And a higher health insurance premium. And death.

Simpson, a resident of New Jersey, has decided to become the world’s fattest woman. She’s given no reason for wanting to be the bearer of that title, but, well … we’re just going to assume that it’s a New Jersey thing. Of course, she might be able to deduct her weekly grocery bill, $815, and this quest as a business expense, since she runs a Web site where viewers can watch her eat fast food.

I do believe that this might be the most f#$%ed up story on SeriouslyGuys yet.

China: The newest servant of the US

Now, I don’t want to be a super braggart or anything like that (a regular level braggart is a position that I’m fine to be), but, well … when we want something done, it gets done. Example:

The U.S. State Department subsequently asked the Chinese government for an explanation of the attacks.

And what happened? China has closed sites that train hackers. All the power is in our hands. For our next trick, I’d like to ask China for a free iPod. Or something along those lines.

Not exactly what we were aiming for

Fireworks were seen all over this fine country over the weekend. As we are told, the U.S. celebrated its Independence Day. And if you care, Canada celebrated their existence last week, too. (Seriously? You’re still part of the British Empire, what do you have to celebrate?)

But fireworks aren’t always a good thing, especially if you live in Congo. There, in the city of Goma, a fireworks display intended to celebrate peace that began in January made the civil war-weary city dive for cover, thinking the war had started up again. People went diving for cover upon hearing the explosions going off.

Everyone, let’s agree not to play with bubble wrap around Congo for a while, sound good?

The family that stays together, takes over the world together

And let’s be honest here: when your family has got roots in Europe, the U.S., Japan, Argentina and, frankly, all over the world, they’re probably on a better route of doing so than us.

Obviously, I’m talking about ants, but I’m specifically referring to Argentine ants. They’re spread all over the world, they refuse to wage war upon each other (which is humongous given that ants can be fairly territorial) and–worst of all–we’re helping them in their quest.

Yes, that’s right: you. By traveling all over the world, becoming jet-setting, high-flying, wheeling and dealing sons of a gun (W000000000!!!!!!!!), we’ve unwittingly mingled colonies with other colonies and created this super-breed.

So, what can we do to stop this? Well, obviously, we could the isolationist approach, but, frankly, I enjoy my foreign food too much to allow this to happen. The other choice?

Simple. The article mentions that ants live everywhere but in Antarctica. Clearly, the cleansing and purifying power of cold will save us. Freeze the ants! FREEZE THEM ALL!

(Courtesy of Groonk)

You Missed It: Comes in threes edition

Listen folks, I’ll be honest with you. I just want to get the hell out of here. See, I’ve got a bender coming up and we all know some things just take priority over the trivial things, like work, in this crazy thing we call life. This may help you the pass time, I’m doing my best to figure out other forms of time travel. If you were busy starring in a loud movie with good and bad alien robots this week, odds are you missed it.

The King of Pop is dead, long live the King of Pop
Did you hear? Acquitted child molester and singer Michael Jackson died yesterday of what could be a heart attack. The Internet almost crashed right along with him, as many news sites reported service outages. Jackson’s death marked the third celebrity death this week. Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon preceded him. McMahon got a pretty good showing of attention, but Fawcett, famous for have blonde hair and nipples, got the shaft since she died a few hours before Jackson. Also, Walter Cronkite’s children are stubbornly insisting their father still lives.

Marriage is an important issue to GOP, fidelity not so much
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford went AWOL this week following what was a rough session of the state legislature or something. In a Waldo-esque adventure, Sanford ditched his security detail, no one on his staff or even his wife knew where he was for days. It was then reported he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail (during naked hiking day no less). Then he turned up at a Georgia airport, returning from Argentina, where his mistress lives. Great, now we’re even exporting jobs in our nation’s sport f&%#ing industry?

United States: Leader in foot-croquet
In international news, soccer, which I am told is a sport, has been the focus of the world with the FIFA Confederations Cup tournament. In nothing short of a miracle, the U.S. team has advanced after upsetting Egypt and Spain, they now go on to face Brazil in the final round. What’s the reason behind the Americans’ success thus far? Extensive experience in winning engagements with Confederates.