Get ready for a boom in spit cosmetics

Scientists have discovered a process that enables them to guess people’s age within five years based on their saliva. This method could revolutionize forensics because now criminologists won’t have to saw the bodies in half and count the rings.

But, the real story is one that was briefly mentioned and that we’re still waiting for: what the researchers were doing when they figured this out.

“[Dr. Eric] Vilain and his team, whose findings are reported in the online edition of the Public Library of Science One journal, made the discovery while studying 34 pairs of identical male twins with different sexual orientations[emphasis ours].

Now that’s how you tease for grants and donors.

Animal Liberation Front has AIDS

While we’re not ones to hand out free tips to species traitors like the Animal Liberation Front, we can’t gloat without doing so.

So, if your plan is to intimidate an animal researcher, the last thing you want to do is mail him razor blades and claim they’re infected with AIDS.

1. He conducts medical research on animals. Which means he can easily test whether the razors actually carry the HIV virus by using it on the monkeys.

2. The medical research is for addictive drugs. You might as well mail him pocket mirrors and rolled up dollar bills for the cocaine wing, which is filled with a hundred monkeys at a hundred typewriters who have already developed scripts for 12 Two and a Half Men clones.